Coping with the Death of a Estranged Parent

[Anonymous]

I've been estranged from my parents, and as a result, much of my extended family for the last 8 years. The estrangement is due to a lifetime of abuse from my mother that eventually begun to impact my children. The abuse was calculated and behind closed doors, so I don't believe anyone in the extended family knows. Outwardly, I played the dutiful daughter until I couldn't anymore for the sake of my kids. In the years I've been away, my mom has painted herself the victim and tried to poison others against me for "abandoning" my family. She's a classic narcissist and likely borderline, but doesn't believe in mental health care or treatment, so we'll never truly have a diagnosis.

My father died this morning. He was largely uninvolved in the abuse, but certainly didn't do anything to stop it.

My dad was very emotionally immature, stunted even, and an occasional victim of my mom. In his prime, he was a loud, boisterous man with a large circle of friends. He was also an unabashed racist, misogynist, and bigot who never took much interest in me as his only daughter, unless he wanted something. He never once said "I love you" or remembered my birthday, and only reached out twice after I cut ties. The first time was to complain about how extra horrible my mom was being now that I was out of the picture. The second was to ask me to buy a present for him to give to her.

He died a slow, painful, early death from multiple diseases and has been in and out of hospice for the last 18 months, so today comes as no surprise. There's no way I can attend the funeral because of the absolute sh*tshow of a performance my mother would throw. And, at my literal core, I just don't want to be there. I'm selfishly unnerved and upset that family and people in my dad's circle will continue to think less and less of me, because I'm not there.

I am trying to figure out how to process my feelings. I'm already in mourning for the father I never had and now struggling how to pair that with his actual passing. I broke down a little when telling a friend this morning and don't know how or when I should tell my kids. My youngest was a just toddler at the time and has no memory of him.

Apologies for the length, but my head is swimming and I could really use some support, advice or kind words right now.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry you're having these conflicted feelings. My deadbeat abusive alcoholic dad isn't dead yet, but I assume he will be soon (or, at least, eventually). I'll just say - any parent who didn't actively STOP the abuse is also abusive. IMO he doesn't get a pass because he didn't raise the belt.

I also believe that funerals are for the living. Your dad is dead. The living people, the ones who are still likely to make your life hell, are the ones you would be seeing, comforting, hugging, talking to. I see absolutely no reason to go in your situation. Do you want to do any of those things? Probably not. The only reason you want to go is for your reputation in someone else's mind. There is a saying - “What other people think and say about you is none of your business. The most destructive thing you would ever do is to believe someone else's opinion of you." So you have to let go of their opinion about you. It doesn't matter. It affects you, and your DH and your children 0%. Doing something to appease them and change their opinion of you is unwise, and honestly, unlikely! Especially if your mom goes on with her theatrics in front of everyone. You'll still look bad. You'll still look like the awful daughter that she's painted you. You won't be able to change their opinion, so why stress?

What I would suggest, is a therapy session. Idk if I would tell my children if they have no memory of him. Especially if the abuse (via your mom) impacted them, I would not want to have them be even tangentially involved to protect them.

[Anonymous]

So sorry, OP. My estranged father died a couple of years ago. The situation was different from yours in that he abandoned us when I was little. I hadn't seen him since I was 5 years old. Anyway, his death hit me harder than I expected. I was surprised that I felt sad about the death of a man that I didn't even really know and who clearly wanted nothing to do with me. I even had a couple of people tell me I shouldn't be sad because he wasn't a part of my life anyway. But there are things you lose when an estranged parent dies, and it's ok to mourn those things. You lose the chance at making amends (even if it was highly unlikely to ever happen). You lose the father you wished you would've had. You mourn for the child you used to be, and the part of you that still hasn't healed from the trauma. It's complicated and in my experience, few people really understand a situation like this.

It's also ok not to attend the funeral--and in your case, that might be the best option. You don't owe any of them anything and nothing you can do at this point will change their opinion of you or anything that happened in the past. All it can do is potentially cause new hurt for you.

Take some time to process your feelings and figure out if you even need to say anything to your kids. Depending on their ages and how much they know about the situation, you may not need to say anything. My kids obviously never met my father but they knew he left when I was little. At some point I happened to mention that he died. They asked when and I just said "a while back." They also asked how he died and I said, "I really don't know. I just heard that he did." We never really talked about him much to begin with so it really wasn't a big deal to them.

Hugs, OP! You'll be ok.

[Anonymous]

You don’t need to tell your kids until you are ready and feel comfortable with what you want to say.

Definitely do NOT go to the funeral. If extended family reaches out to you have an excuse why you can’t come. If they probe about the relationship just say it’s painful and you prefer not to talk about it. If these are relationships you’d like to rekindle you can indicate that.

Personally, I find some kind of service or gathering to be an important part of my grieving process. My pastor has met with us for a couple of simple ceremonies for relatives when we could not participate in a funeral. If you have similar feelings, you might see if someone can lead, or just gather with you.

Ultimately, it’s done now. You can stop wondering if there will ever be a reconciliation or if you will get answers in this world. To me that’s both painful and relieving.

[Anonymous]

I don't know Op. I'm estranged from my parents and assume my father will pass in the next few 5 years or so. So no advice, just sending good vibes.

[Anonymous]

OP I am so sorry and I am in the same club to a degree. I had a decent relationship with my dad, but am low contact with a mom who was emotionally and verbally abusive behind closed doors and has smeared me to everyone because I finally set major boundaries. I am also estranged from a sibling who's abuse went unchecked by mom and took strange twists in adulthood. Mom liked to think of it as normal sibling rivalry. I won't go into detail, but my therapist was really horrified by the things i shared.

So I think about what happens when mom passes and I really don't think even she would want me there. Keeping up appearances was so important to her that I don't think she wants anyone who knows the dark side. I also feel like I would be taking the high road by not being there. Let people who only knew the charming side process their feelings and remember her fondly without my dark cloud.

I don't know if you relate OP, but I do feel shame. I know I had to set boundaries because she was starting to use her tactics on my kids and it was harming them. I know I did what we needed as a family, but I will be honest and say sometimes the judgment gets to me. I hesitate to post on DCUM and I don't share much to certain coworkers and friends because they just.don't. get it. Luckily I have people who get it including my husband who came from similar dysfunction.

Just know there are people here who can relate and respect whatever choice you make. You didn't deserve the treatment and I wish it never happened to you.

[Anonymous]

Don't worry about what family you never see or interact with says about you. What they say is none of your business.

Tell your kids. "My dad died and I'm sad, because now I won't ever have the chance of us fixing our relationship. I'll tell you more about it when you're older." It's fine to tell them now.

I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Do and say nothing.

He (and your mother) have been nothing to you for 8 years.

Why change your feelings or anything else now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do and say nothing.

He (and your mother) have been nothing to you for 8 years.

Why change your feelings or anything else now?

Because you still morn the parent relationship that you wish you had. You morn ever really getting full closure. You just feel unsettled that things are now different and you no longer have two parents, even if you are/were estranged.

It's still a loss, and in many ways it more complicated emotionally than if you'd had a good relationship. Then at least you could talk about fond memories with your family. And just because you ultimately cut ties, it doesn't mean that you didn't see some good things in that person. They could be a shitty parent and have inflicted a lot of hurt, but still have a sharp sense of humor, a strong business sense, read a room, or passed along knowledge of how to make a great Bolognese. People are complex and loss still hurts.

I'm not in contact with my mom right now because of a lot of very hurtful actions, but she tells the absolute best stories.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. I can empathize. And I have learned, through painful boundary setting, awful accusations being hurled at me, endlessly repeating cycles of dysfunction whether or not I engaged, etc... that nothing I do will actually make a difference in how anyone else behaves.

What I do (or don't do) however WILL make a huge difference in how I feel. And that difference has a huge ripple effect on my marriage, my kids, my career, my health, my friends, etc...

All you can do is take care of yourself, and your nuclear family. Please allow yourself the peace of not engaging w/ the guaranteed dysfunction you know lies with what you're describing. That will happen anyway. They will say and do whatever they're going to say and do. There is no magic path you can walk that will make them behave differently. So it is absolutely fine to protect yourself.

You can find a way to honor your father that feels right to you. Do what is good for you. Period. That will also have the tremendous benefit of being good for your kids. (I often found it easier to set boundaries that protected my kids than ones that protected me. So it's more than fine if that's part of what helps give you clarity.)

I'm sorry for your loss. And for the million profound losses that proceeded the death of your father, the painfully complicated grief you'll deal with, and all the add on pain of those family dynamics. You are doing a brave, strong, pattern changing thing by removing yourself from the nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know Op. I'm estranged from my parents and assume my father will pass in the next few 5 years or so. So no advice, just sending good vibes.

+1. Going to be facing your situation in a few years. Hang in there. This too shall pass.

[Anonymous]

Condolences. I had no relationship with my father who hated me with the intensity of a thousand suns. I have been really successful in a number of endeavors from top flight NCAA D1 competition to excellent academics and a great professional career. But to him I was fat dumb and lazy. He passed away a few years back and declining to attend the funeral was an easy call. On my own completely since age 18. Divorced mother a nice person but was so abused she became an addict.

Not much of a help here but with an estranged parent I became comfortable in not having closure. My acceptance of this became my closure. Not all shoestrings need to tied. Hope you are well and frankly it seems like being on your own meant success for you.