Could really use some guidance, advice and comforting words

[Anonymous]

I could write a long saga about my son who is 28, but I will try and make this succinct.

He was always very well adjusted,tons of friends, a college athlete (at a top university), developed a condition which was extremely painful and started taking painkillers.

You can guess the rest. He has struggled with not a full blown addiction but using pills enough to impact some aspects of his life.

He is now at a juncture where he admits he feels lost. He quit his job as they were relocating him and he didn't want to go where they were relocating him to.

So now he is free and keeps saying he wants to go to another state, start fresh, get away from of his partying friends, etc...

He is a great kid, normally full of life and confidence and very intelligent, he has so many great qualities but went into a hole (I believe temporarily)

We were thinking maybe volunteering for a humanitarian organization both for the experience of helping others, getting away (which he is craving) and maybe a spiritual awakening of sorts. He has always been very fortunate, everything has come easy to him and he admits that is part of why he feels he needs to escape and stand on his own 2 feet.

He spoke about going see one of his best HS buddies who lives in Atlanta, for a few weeks just to see what its like, see if he likes the area, we do not advise him going without a plan. I feel he's acting on impulse.

I don't want him to do something impulsive and stupid without thinking his next steps through. He is feeling really emotional and for this reason I don't want him to act on impulse. I told him we will go to church tomorrow and speak to my priest to see if he has ideas/some advice.

Dont' know if anyone has been in a similar situation and perhaps can has any suggestions, words of advice, etc...I am feeling really sad seeing him in this state, feeling so uncertain about his life, losing his confidence while at the same time seeing some of his friends getting engaged, being promoted, etc....hes feeling really down on himself. I wish I knew of a. great life coach, something, anything....we just aren't sure.

Please no harsh words, I am really struggling myself as is my husband with how to help him.

[Anonymous]

Sending you strength and compassion. I don’t have any specific advice but some sort of “reset” away from a party scene seems like a good idea. At the same time, be wary of looking for a geographic solution to an internal struggle.

[Anonymous]

He needs a therapist and a plan to get off drugs. Just because he isn't a full blown addict does not mean he doesn't have a problem. If he's ready to get help and wants to change his life, I'd recommend an outpatient rehab. Or if he really needs to get away, an inpatient one somewhere else.

The worst thing for him is to just move somewhere else or do some sort of humanitarian work while he's struggling with an addiction. He needs to get that under control before he can do anything else.

[Anonymous]

I understand how hard it is to have struggling young adult children. Question. Are you supporting him and if so to what degree?

[Anonymous]

Has he ever had a psychological evaluation?

Because plenty of people have extremely painful conditions (including myself), and don't get addicted to painkillers. There are genetic predispositions to addiction, and ADHD is one of them.

You speak of his impulsivity. Could he have untreated ADHD? He will greatly improve his chances of not falling back into addiction if he's treated for any mental health disorder that he might have.

[Anonymous]

He needs therapy, medication and he needs 100% companionship and support from parents at this point to get him off the addiction and to also make him physically healthy again from his pain or physical disability. Please do not leave him alone. Let him stay at home and make sure that he is not alone. Being bored is ok for him. Being alone is not.

You are good parents and not giving up on him is a great first step.

[Anonymous]

My Brazilian friend has a saying-something to the extent of : the bomb on the cat’s tail will follow it wherever it goes. Meaning, that although your son wants a fresh start, at this moment all his problems will just follow him. Now is the time to keep him close, get him into therapy and rehab. I conquer with the possible adhd. Depression/anxiety is comorbid with that and it’s hard to get help if you have difficulties with executive functioning. Cognitive behavioral therapy may help. Sending positive thoughts your way.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry you and your family are going through this. I think the best analogy given was the Brazilian the cat with the bomb on its tail carries it with him.

You need to suppress your own sadness in front of your son. He probably wants to get away from the guilt he feels over causing you pain. Save your sadness for private with your DH.

Pull up your own confidence in him, and show him that. You can do this, and we are going to come up with a plan to make it happen. We are going to get the bomb off your tail. Being lost and taking him to your priest is understandable but has a YOU are lost feeling to it.

Therapy, hope, keep him close, and exercise, would be my recommendation.

Big hugs.

[Anonymous]

I know you want to protect him but he’s 28. He has to live his life and make his decisions. Maybe a trip out of town, seeing an old friend will give him a new perspective, help him get clear on some things. I’d let him go (Probably hold my breath and pray) and let him know he can always come back home if he ever needs to.

[Anonymous]

This is a tough one OP. Does he have the finances to support a move? It’s difficult to secure a lease without a job. I agree with him getting some outside help. He is only 28 and has so much of life ahead of him.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry. It’s so hard to watch our kids suffering, no matter the age. Moving is not going to fix addiction or mental health problems. I would encourage him to seek treatment. At 28, you can’t force treatment, and some might say this is making it too easy, but if he’s willing to get into intensive treatment, I would offer to have him stay at home for a while.

[Anonymous]

I guess I’m not understanding the problem with him going down to Atlanta. My company HQ is there and it really is a booming area. There are lots of opportunities, and lots of young people from what I can tell. I get that you are concerned, but sometimes a person needs to have something to do while they figure out their life. It sounds like you guys are supportive, so if that area turns out to not work for him, he’ll have a “soft place to fall”, so to speak.

I’m just reminded of myself back in my twenties, when I was lost and had a crap job and was seeing a therapist. She really wanted me to focus on my emotional work and continue in the crap job while I did that. But I knew that the crap job was part of my problem. I couldn’t tackle these things sequentially like she wanted. I had to pursue both issues at the same time. It all worked out eventually. And I did need to make changes in my work life to find success in the rest of my life.

Let him find his way. The struggle is part of the journey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could write a long saga about my son who is 28, but I will try and make this succinct.

He was always very well adjusted,tons of friends, a college athlete (at a top university), developed a condition which was extremely painful and started taking painkillers.

You can guess the rest. He has struggled with not a full blown addiction but using pills enough to impact some aspects of his life.

He is now at a juncture where he admits he feels lost. He quit his job as they were relocating him and he didn't want to go where they were relocating him to.

So now he is free and keeps saying he wants to go to another state, start fresh, get away from of his partying friends, etc...

He is a great kid, normally full of life and confidence and very intelligent, he has so many great qualities but went into a hole (I believe temporarily)

We were thinking maybe volunteering for a humanitarian organization both for the experience of helping others, getting away (which he is craving) and maybe a spiritual awakening of sorts. He has always been very fortunate, everything has come easy to him and he admits that is part of why he feels he needs to escape and stand on his own 2 feet.

He spoke about going see one of his best HS buddies who lives in Atlanta, for a few weeks just to see what its like, see if he likes the area, we do not advise him going without a plan. I feel he's acting on impulse.

I don't want him to do something impulsive and stupid without thinking his next steps through. He is feeling really emotional and for this reason I don't want him to act on impulse. I told him we will go to church tomorrow and speak to my priest to see if he has ideas/some advice.

Dont' know if anyone has been in a similar situation and perhaps can has any suggestions, words of advice, etc...I am feeling really sad seeing him in this state, feeling so uncertain about his life, losing his confidence while at the same time seeing some of his friends getting engaged, being promoted, etc....hes feeling really down on himself. I wish I knew of a. great life coach, something, anything....we just aren't sure.

Please no harsh words, I am really struggling myself as is my husband with how to help him.

I’ll be honest op, I think your level of involvement here may be part of the problem. What is wrong with him going to Atlanta without a plan? He’s young, single, with few responsibilities. It’s the perfect time of life to try something new. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work and he can pivot to something else. He needs to be able to try something, fail, and get back up again. Self-esteem comes from doing, not thinking. He has to do things that he can actually feel esteem about!

I absolutely get that you are coming from a place of love and concern. But much like back when he was a toddler and learning to walk and you had to let him go and wobble a bit, you again need to let him go and wobble a bit. Continue to be a place that he knows he can come home to. But let him find his own way here.

[Anonymous]

As an addictions counselor, I’d advise against a move to somewhere new. There will be no supports and no new framework to rely on. Instead, this is a good time to attend na meetings and do the steps to find stability in recovery. It can take over a year to find that, and changes can be disruptive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry. It’s so hard to watch our kids suffering, no matter the age. Moving is not going to fix addiction or mental health problems. I would encourage him to seek treatment. At 28, you can’t force treatment, and some might say this is making it too easy, but if he’s willing to get into intensive treatment, I would offer to have him stay at home for a while.

NP and I was just going to post something like this.