50/50 not the norm nationwide

[Anonymous]

I am not in DC and our divorce recently concluded with ex wife being granted primary residential custody. I don't consume alcohol, I am not an abuser, and I have been fully involved with my kids. We couldn't agree with the choice of school district. We have 2 kids 13 and 10. I wanted the kids to remain in the same diastatic but my ex wife wanted them in a different lower quality school district where she grew up and her family lives. She argued that she needed to be near family and her lawyer made the case for her I guess because the judge sided with them. I did not get a lawyer because I could not afford one without going into debt. She was to get one with family support.

So the assumption on this forum that the courts always opt for 50/50 unless major issues may be through perhaps in VA and other states.

It seems to me that if you are the parent without a lawyer and you aren't willing to go in debt to get one, the other side is going to get their way.

The kids will stay with her during school days and I will have them weekends and the majority of holidays. During the summer we will have them 50/50.

However the fact that the judge felt that simply because she wanted the kids in the district of her choice, it was the best interest of the children makes it hard to believe that it wasn't a biased decision.

At what age can kids opt to be with one parent mostly? When my son turns 16 can he choose to stay with me instead?

No cheating, no alcohol abuse, no financial neglect. I know some people will quick to use one of these as the reason that it was the right decision. The marriage felt apart because she repeatedly refused to seek individual therapy for being bipolar and as a result was unable to regulate her emotions throughout our marriage.

[Anonymous]

No, he doesn't get the choice and it was horrible to pull them out and move them but that's what happens. You should have stayed married till the youngest was 18.

[Anonymous]

If you don't live close enough together for the kids to split time at both houses and still attend the same school, then 50/50 during the school year isn't possible. Kids obviously can't go to a different school every other week.

[Anonymous]

You should have gone into temporary debt to hire a lawyer. I'm sorry you didn't know that.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you guys have close to 50-50 in terms of time actually.

I get why you are upset about the school issue but I can see it from both sides. If moving to the other school district will give kids extra stability in the form of as n extended family network, there's an argument it's in their best interest. The judge is not going to look at school quality unless there's a safety concern-- way too subjective.

The real issue here is that you and your ex couldn't agree on the school issue and forced it to the judge. That's your collective failure. I see from your perspective why you want them to stay in the current district but we're there issues with things like your ex affording housing there or continuity if childcare if the kids are going back and forth between two houses with working single parents and no family support? Did you try to work out a compromise or did you both dig your heels in?

Judges don't want to make decisions like that and their preference is always for the parents to figure it out while working together to come up with a satisfactory solution. But if you don't, yes there's the risk that the judge's resolution won't be exactly what you want

Next time try to work it out. This is the reality of divorce with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you guys have close to 50-50 in terms of time actually.

I get why you are upset about the school issue but I can see it from both sides. If moving to the other school district will give kids extra stability in the form of as n extended family network, there's an argument it's in their best interest. The judge is not going to look at school quality unless there's a safety concern-- way too subjective.

The real issue here is that you and your ex couldn't agree on the school issue and forced it to the judge. That's your collective failure. I see from your perspective why you want them to stay in the current district but we're there issues with things like your ex affording housing there or continuity if childcare if the kids are going back and forth between two houses with working single parents and no family support? Did you try to work out a compromise or did you both dig your heels in?

Judges don't want to make decisions like that and their preference is always for the parents to figure it out while working together to come up with a satisfactory solution. But if you don't, yes there's the risk that the judge's resolution won't be exactly what you want

Next time try to work it out. This is the reality of divorce with kids.

OP here. She is incredibly stubborn. I knew this before marrying her I overlook that red flag. So I do blame myself but oh well. With tried mediation and she left the zoom call before the first session ended
At that point the mediator told me we had to go to court.

We were renting in the school district and rent is affordable here. So there was no reason for her to uproot them. None.

I didn't go into debt because out of spite she would have actually gone into a million dollar debt of needed just to score some kind of "victory". If I had taken a lawyer I think the cost would have been too much.

I don't necessarily believe it was a biased decision in favour of the mother, but the court (judge) I felt put too much weight on what the mother (though her lawyer) felt was the right decision to make.

I am terrified and sad that I may end up being less closed to my kids because I won't see them most days during the school year. And when she starts dating again it's very possible that man will see my kids more than me. Unfortunately there is a wrong assumption that men (sadly we get all lumped in the same bag) drift away from their kids after divorce.

For now I am looking for a better job. With the free time I now have I am taking additional training..once I get a better job I will take her to court to revise the custody schedule.

[Anonymous]

OP here is the lesson to learn. In this country don't go to courts to defend yourself. The odds are against you..the so called "best interest of the child" is BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not in DC and our divorce recently concluded with ex wife being granted primary residential custody. I don't consume alcohol, I am not an abuser, and I have been fully involved with my kids. We couldn't agree with the choice of school district. We have 2 kids 13 and 10. I wanted the kids to remain in the same diastatic but my ex wife wanted them in a different lower quality school district where she grew up and her family lives. She argued that she needed to be near family and her lawyer made the case for her I guess because the judge sided with them. I did not get a lawyer because I could not afford one without going into debt. She was to get one with family support.

So the assumption on this forum that the courts always opt for 50/50 unless major issues may be through perhaps in VA and other states.

It seems to me that if you are the parent without a lawyer and you aren't willing to go in debt to get one, the other side is going to get their way.

The kids will stay with her during school days and I will have them weekends and the majority of holidays. During the summer we will have them 50/50.

However the fact that the judge felt that simply because she wanted the kids in the district of her choice, it was the best interest of the children makes it hard to believe that it wasn't a biased decision.

At what age can kids opt to be with one parent mostly? When my son turns 16 can he choose to stay with me instead?

No cheating, no alcohol abuse, no financial neglect. I know some people will quick to use one of these as the reason that it was the right decision. The marriage felt apart because she repeatedly refused to seek individual therapy for being bipolar and as a result was unable to regulate her emotions throughout our marriage.

Nope. Everyone tries it, but it is extraordinarily rare that it splits this cleanly. As a family law attorney I used to work for would say "Snow White doesn't marry Hitler. It just doesn't go down that way." And it doesn't. She might've had her problems, in fact, I'm comfortable saying she did. And you're one of them, because nobody with any self-awareness leaves a marriage and says "Wow, that was all the other person's fault." You wrote a big ol' post about all her flaws, and denied any of the major ones were yours. But you claim the judge showed bias?

This post reeks of bs, OP. Come clean, if you want decent advice. Garbage in, garbage out, and this post sure seems like trash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you guys have close to 50-50 in terms of time actually.

I get why you are upset about the school issue but I can see it from both sides. If moving to the other school district will give kids extra stability in the form of as n extended family network, there's an argument it's in their best interest. The judge is not going to look at school quality unless there's a safety concern-- way too subjective.

The real issue here is that you and your ex couldn't agree on the school issue and forced it to the judge. That's your collective failure. I see from your perspective why you want them to stay in the current district but we're there issues with things like your ex affording housing there or continuity if childcare if the kids are going back and forth between two houses with working single parents and no family support? Did you try to work out a compromise or did you both dig your heels in?

Judges don't want to make decisions like that and their preference is always for the parents to figure it out while working together to come up with a satisfactory solution. But if you don't, yes there's the risk that the judge's resolution won't be exactly what you want

Next time try to work it out. This is the reality of divorce with kids.

This. And if the judge thinks one of you isn't cooperating, they'll favor the other, especially if one party can show good faith attempts at negotiation/compromise were made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not in DC and our divorce recently concluded with ex wife being granted primary residential custody. I don't consume alcohol, I am not an abuser, and I have been fully involved with my kids. We couldn't agree with the choice of school district. We have 2 kids 13 and 10. I wanted the kids to remain in the same diastatic but my ex wife wanted them in a different lower quality school district where she grew up and her family lives. She argued that she needed to be near family and her lawyer made the case for her I guess because the judge sided with them. I did not get a lawyer because I could not afford one without going into debt. She was to get one with family support.

So the assumption on this forum that the courts always opt for 50/50 unless major issues may be through perhaps in VA and other states.

It seems to me that if you are the parent without a lawyer and you aren't willing to go in debt to get one, the other side is going to get their way.

The kids will stay with her during school days and I will have them weekends and the majority of holidays. During the summer we will have them 50/50.

However the fact that the judge felt that simply because she wanted the kids in the district of her choice, it was the best interest of the children makes it hard to believe that it wasn't a biased decision.

At what age can kids opt to be with one parent mostly? When my son turns 16 can he choose to stay with me instead?

No cheating, no alcohol abuse, no financial neglect. I know some people will quick to use one of these as the reason that it was the right decision. The marriage felt apart because she repeatedly refused to seek individual therapy for being bipolar and as a result was unable to regulate her emotions throughout our marriage.

Nope. Everyone tries it, but it is extraordinarily rare that it splits this cleanly. As a family law attorney I used to work for would say "Snow White doesn't marry Hitler. It just doesn't go down that way." And it doesn't. She might've had her problems, in fact, I'm comfortable saying she did. And you're one of them, because nobody with any self-awareness leaves a marriage and says "Wow, that was all the other person's fault." You wrote a big ol' post about all her flaws, and denied any of the major ones were yours. But you claim the judge showed bias?

This post reeks of bs, OP. Come clean, if you want decent advice. Garbage in, garbage out, and this post sure seems like trash.

There we go again....there we go again. I am glad I am not married. Married men can't win. I am sorry they just can't. It's always their fault. It's actually sad but that's where we are.

[Anonymous]

The reason the judge let her move the kids to a new school district is because she's moving closer to extended family, who will help her as a newly single mother.

[Anonymous]

When a decision does not go in favour of the ex husband and he complains he is blamed. An ex wife in a similar situation it is nuanced.

There are countless long posts by women on this forum where they provide their views from start to finish and briefly sprinkle in her DHs side of the story and they get showered with supports.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The reason the judge let her move the kids to a new school district is because she's moving closer to extended family, who will help her as a newly single mother.

This is a silly reason as she's not exactly a single mother as there is a father involved who can share responsibility. Reality is the court is bias to mom's via child support and giving mom full custody or more than 50-50 is about her income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The reason the judge let her move the kids to a new school district is because she's moving closer to extended family, who will help her as a newly single mother.

If he did that do you think the judge will side with him as a single dad lol? OP should have hired a lawyer. He didn't and he got slaughtered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When a decision does not go in favour of the ex husband and he complains he is blamed. An ex wife in a similar situation it is nuanced.

There are countless long posts by women on this forum where they provide their views from start to finish and briefly sprinkle in her DHs side of the story and they get showered with supports.

So, you don't think men ever get screwed over and men are always to blame. There are two sides to this story and neither made the marriage work, if one cheated, they are the full blame but bottomline is 50-50 isn't the norm and men often lose their kids.