If you switched schools often as a child, do you find it hard to connect with friends?

[Anonymous]

I’m working through some things and I think this may be the reason I’m more comfortable with superficial relationships. I’m just curious about the experiences of others.

I went to one school K-2, and was fairly well-adjusted. I had lots of friends there. Then, abruptly, we moved and I went to a new school for 3-4, only it was only temporary, I knew I’d be leaving, and I made zero friends. I then went to a different school for 5-8, knowing I wouldn’t be attending high school with any of these kids because my parents couldn’t afford private HS (this was a parochial elementary school my parents received funding for me to attend.) I went to a “school of choice” for HS, near my parent’s work, and so coordinating friendships outside of school was impossible until I got a license and car Senior year, and by then it was basically too late.

I’m in my 40s now and don’t have a single close friend, someone who would show up for me, but many superficial, surface level people who would hang out for fun. I’m incapable of and almost unwilling to take any of these friendships to a deeper level.

[Anonymous]

I moved every three years growing up and find it takes me longer to cultivate close friends as an adult. I have to be deliberate about it. I'm confident you can do that same.

[Anonymous]

Yes, in some ways I am similar. I can fee myself lull away from closer friendships before they form because I prefer to be solo or noncommittal. I went to 4 different schools between 6-12th grade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, in some ways I am similar. I can fee myself lull away from closer friendships before they form because I prefer to be solo or noncommittal. I went to 4 different schools between 6-12th grade.

OP here and this is me too, I also feel myself pulling away.

[Anonymous]

I went to school with the same people from K-12 and I also have trouble forming friendships as an adult.

I grew up in an abusive and neglectful household. That by itself has an impact on my ability to make friends but also I have not stayed particularly close with friends from childhood in part because that's such a painful time for me and also because I was masking what was going on at home the whole time and never really felt I could be authentically myself.

I am curious: PP's who moved a lot as kids and now struggle with friendships -- did you have stable and loving home lives? What is your relationship like with your parents?

[Anonymous]

I attended school In 5 different towns.

K-1
2
3-6
7-10
11-12

In my case, I do not find it hard to connect with people and make close friends. I have some very close ones (to this day) from many different schools/times in my life. I think it comes down to your personality. I have always been a best friend girl. I’ll know lots of people and do things with them, but will have 1-2 best friends. My sister is the same. Perhaps it was our mom’s influence. She always made really good friends everywhere we moved.

[Anonymous]

Grew up as a military kid and now I'm a military spouse. I make new friends really easily and have made new best friends at each new location, but I'm horrible at keeping in touch with them once we've moved away, even now in the age of instant communication. My 16 year old DD meanwhile still emails with a friend she made in 2nd grade, which was 5 schools ago for her. So it's possible that part of my personality was formed when having a pen pal meant writing out letters by hand and mailing them, so it was harder to stay in contact.

[Anonymous]

I attribute a lot of my friendship issues to personality, possibly slight autism. The moving around doesn't help but I think I would have the same outcome if I'd stayed in one school K-12. I also want to point out that some of those superficial friends probably don't want a deeper friendship, as adults are busy/pickier about how they spend their time.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you’ve always had a hard time making friends, period. I don’t think the moves had anything to do with it. (I moved a lot as a kid and your conclusion doesn’t resonate with me.)

[Anonymous]

This sounds like me. Here are the schools i went to:

- K-1 (local public)
- 2-5 (private)
- 6-8 (magnet)
- 9-13 (local high school)
- 4 years university
- 3 years law school.

The schools from K-13 were all in the same town, but never in the same feeder system (ie private to public to magnet). I knew people from HS who went to my university, but law school was in a new city super far from where I grew up. And now i live in a part of the country that is super far from where i grew up. So starting from law school, i have never lived in a place that has any connection to where I grew up or any roots.

I met DH when i was 21 and we've been together for 25 years and are incredibly close. I have always had lots of friends in most stages of my life, and even have at least 1 good friend from each past phase since college (ie a friend from law school, 4 friends from college). But while they are "good friends", they are not the same kind of super close, text a lot, speak on the phone frequently type friends some women i know have. And i have a number of lovely friends now, and we care about each other, and look out for each other. But I've moved so frequently that i know i may leave again, and I'm sort of indifferent to whether i have to move on from these friends. I'm just used to kind of picking up new friends every 4 years of my life. I've always wondered if this is a chicken and egg thing: Do i make loose friendships and accept moving on every few years because that's how my school years were? Or have i moved on so easily every few years because that's how i am, and therefore i keep moving on every few years.

In any event, as mentioned, I'm incredibly close with DH for 25 years. And DS for 12 years. And my parents. DH is my whole world and I don't know what I'd do without his constancy. I might be more bothered about the fleeting nature of my other relationships but for him.

[Anonymous]

I moved a lot, and making friends is something you have to actively practice. It comes easily for some and for others of us, you have to consciously put effort into it. As an adult, you can be deliberate, OP, and change this if you want to.

[Anonymous]

I lived in five different states from k to high school.

I am great at making good acquaintances and casual friends. In a new group of people I’m the first one to start making connections. At my kids’ back to school night this year a friend commented that I seemed to know absolutely everyone even the new parents to the school. That is because I got good at both introducing myself to others, and reaching out to new people to include them.

But I do struggle with making the leap to deep close friendships.