How to put on a happy face for kids during marital troubles?

[Anonymous]

DH are currently going through some major issues, considering separation but not there yet. I’m in a constant state of stress, in an almost adrenaline rush-type “about to perform in front of a crowd” type lump in my chest. By the end of my work day I am utterly exhausted from faking it all day. Our kids don’t yet know, and we don’t burden them with this until they need to know. DH sleeps in our basement after the kids go to bed. But I’m exhausted emotionally and they’ve noticed and tell me I look angry and tired all the time. I want to somehow shape up for them. How do I pretend all day and then put on a happy face for my kids?

[Anonymous]

Take a shower while he gets the kids ready for bed. Then read stories.

Get more sleep. Reduce caffeine. Take all your vitamins.

Sleep with a hot water bottle. It's like napping next to a toddler.

Watch comedy shorts or specials until you have a belly laugh. Your life is too sad right now - you need to cheer yourself up (even through artifice).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take a shower while he gets the kids ready for bed. Then read stories.

Get more sleep. Reduce caffeine. Take all your vitamins.

Sleep with a hot water bottle. It's like napping next to a toddler.

Watch comedy shorts or specials until you have a belly laugh. Your life is too sad right now - you need to cheer yourself up (even through artifice).

Thank you. These are very helpful. I did laugh a couple times today while watching a couple funny TikToks that a friend sent. I tried distracting myself with TV but I can’t stop my mind racing for it to help yet. I truly appreciate your reply! Off to find that old hot water bottle!

[Anonymous]

Why are you faking this for
Your kids? It will be more confusing for them
If you’re pretending to be happy.

[Anonymous]

Get your own therapist STAT.

[Anonymous]

Just remember that you love them more than you dislike him.

[Anonymous]

Yes OP, therapy STAT.

If people hear bombs blasting a mile from their home, they should not smile and tell their kids everything is fine--let's eat dessert and watch a movie tonight.

Long-term confusion is traumatizing and damaging to kids--it makes them question their instincts and live in a chronic state of threat and fear that is caused secrecy and cognitive dissonance. Google the term ACEs.

Your kids need to know everything is not ok but that you and your DH are doing what's necessary to figure out a plan that will restore stability.

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids? They are probably picking up on more than you know.

[Anonymous]

Is he cheating? Or has cheated? He needs to get out. This is burdening the children, whether you think it is or not. It's gaslighting -- they KNOW something is wrong. Not knowing is still torture. They are being told they can't trust their own reality.