Dealing with my own elder care issues and a parent passing and several friends insist on burdening me non stop with
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Anonymous
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their own elder care issues. I’d typically not mind but am somewhat shocked they can’t see how almost everyone is dealing with these issues at our age, and how much I have on my plate- demanding full time job, 3 kids, one parent who just passed, selling house, moving, etc. These friends will call or text, ignoring boundaries I’ve tried to set about when I can talk (to hear them vent) and neither of them sent a card or anything when my parent passed which I found a bit hurtful.
Would you cut these people off? Or just ignore and let it go? Both seem to have drinking issues fwiw. |
Anonymous
| Crises are when find out who your real friends are, OP. If they can't remember or be sensitive to what you're dealing with after you've reminded them, time to distance yourself. |
Anonymous
| Yes, I have to admit that the fact that these friends couldn’t even send a card when my parent passed was fairly eye opening. Other friends sent food, flowers etc and these friends texted ‘oh so sorry, when can you talk to catch up?’ Which invariably involved them going on and on about how burdened they were |
Anonymous
| Time to reduce contact with them. It doesn’t sound like they bring anything nurturing to your life, and they aren’t sensitive to what you’re going through. |
Anonymous
| Well, no, they’re not all bad, it’s not black and white at all. They’re just both a little immature and clueless. |
Anonymous
| ^ and it’s a reminder to me too for my other friends who are dealing with these issues. Offer to help, or take on something for them, send food or a card or a donation to their parents charity, or similar. That’s what people need when a parent is gravely ill or has passed. Don’t try to set up drinks or dinner or phone calls unless they ask- bc most people are too busy and upset for extra social obligations. |
Anonymous
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When my parents passed, I quickly found who had manners and was raised well and who didn’t. Some ‘old friends’ were completely tactless and offered nothing but a quick text. Others who I wasn’t as close to sent cards and donations to charity, one even sent a DoorDash gift card.
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Anonymous
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I visited my (local) critically ill father at least weekly - he was in skilled nursing in a rehabilitation facility.
At the time, I was a SAHM with 3DC all school-age. I had been the go-to volunteer and all-around reliable chaperone, neighbor, carpool driver, team mom, you name it, here to help. The silence was deafening; all I got in return was faux laments that “it’s been awhile” and “we never see you” or “we miss you at wherever - let us know when you can help.” I did explain and answer that my father had dementia, I was spending time trying to help my parents, where he was living, etc. but zero and I mean zero kind responses. Maybe because I was younger (late 40s) and my peer group hadn’t yet confronted any of these issues? |
Anonymous
I do think that’s part of it. Admittedly I didn’t think of how to help when my friends had sick parents who died some years ago. I did send flowers when a parent passed, and I’d attend funerals, but now I know how hard it is, I would do more. People who send a text ‘oh sorry to hear that, let’s get together soon!’ probably mean well, but it shows a lack of good breeding. |
Anonymous
| Having an older parent I dealt with health issues and sickness and death earlier than almost all my peers. I guess they really didn't know how to react. Now that they're in those stages of life, I can empathize easily. |