What do you do when a friend or neighbor loses a parent or partner etc?

[Anonymous]

In my original community, there is a lot of support. People send cards, food, offer to help, etc. But since my marriage, I’ve been living in the north east and I’ve been surprised to find how oblivious people are. Close ‘friends’ might send a text, but that’s it. Weird to me.

[Anonymous]

I lived in the north east for many years and people were always very kind and comforting. When my parents died five years apart in their mid 80s I was surprised by how many of our friends showed up at the services.

[Anonymous]

That’s sweet. Maybe dh and I just know cold people?! When a neighbors husband died, no one did anything. We tried to organize something and no one would bite, so we just sent something on our own. Where do you live?

[Anonymous]

My DCs' daycare provider did the most out of anyone for me when my mom died. She cooked excellent comfort food and packed many dishes for us. I'm eternally grateful to her.

My friends mostly sent a message and that's it. Honestly I didn't expect more b/c everyone was busy with their own kids/families. Ppl who really stood out were those who've experienced loss themselves, and they empathized with my pain.

[Anonymous]

People send cards, food, ...

You know ... this can also mean nothing. Some people deliver an obligatory "something" and are done with it. That's our neighborhood. Looks good from the outside looking-in.

[Anonymous]

I find sending a text or email rather tacky and Low class. Send a card for gods sakes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

People send cards, food, ...

You know ... this can also mean nothing. Some people deliver an obligatory "something" and are done with it. That's our neighborhood. Looks good from the outside looking-in.

?? It’s nice. It’s a gesture. Shows good manners and values

[Anonymous]

I do flowers or food for close friends, card/text/email for others.

But I've also been through it myself, so always empathize with how hard it is, and make sure to check in later, on anniversaries and holidays or whenever I know they'll be feeling it.

[Anonymous]

I'm from the NorthEast. I (and we) send cards, attend services, bring food, take care of kids, etc... - all in perspective to the closeness of the relationships.

What you're experiencing may be much more a reflection of the extent to which you have roots/long standing relationships in the area, that a geographical difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm from the NorthEast. I (and we) send cards, attend services, bring food, take care of kids, etc... - all in perspective to the closeness of the relationships.

What you're experiencing may be much more a reflection of the extent to which you have roots/long standing relationships in the area, that a geographical difference.

No, I think it’s geographical. In my world, you don’t need to be a super close friend to do anything. It’s just good form/manners and you don’t spend a lot of time evaluating whether you’ve known Bob long enough to send a card or drop off a meal. You just do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm from the NorthEast. I (and we) send cards, attend services, bring food, take care of kids, etc... - all in perspective to the closeness of the relationships.

What you're experiencing may be much more a reflection of the extent to which you have roots/long standing relationships in the area, that a geographical difference.

No, I think it’s geographical. In my world, you don’t need to be a super close friend to do anything. It’s just good form/manners and you don’t spend a lot of time evaluating whether you’ve known Bob long enough to send a card or drop off a meal. You just do it.

I see. So your theory is that people in the Northeast are less caring and rude? Seems like you have some pre-existing assumptions and could stand a little more nuance on the spectrum of judgment here.

[Anonymous]

It depends how well I know them and what I guess they may need. I am midwestern and I grew up in a small town where people often lived close to extended family.

When my neighbors were sitting shiva this summer, my husband mowed their lawn and took out their trash cans. We usually bring over breakfast items like a muffin or bagel platter for the weekend of the services knowing they likely have guests to feed or offer to watch their house, get mail, etc. if they are leaving on short notice. For a close friend I would offer to watch the house and walk the dog, keep food available, make sure the bathroom has TP, wash dishes, and sign for deliveries - basically just hang out and quietly do hostess tasks in the background so the bereaved can be present with visitors.
For acquaintances, like fellow parents we know from school or activities, I usually text condolences and let them know I’ll pick up their carpool shifts that week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s sweet. Maybe dh and I just know cold people?! When a neighbors husband died, no one did anything. We tried to organize something and no one would bite, so we just sent something on our own. Where do you live?

The community has to exist prior to the loss in order for it to come together like that after. Otherwise people feel like they are being invasive. Yes sometimes this means that people will assume a person has support from other sources when they don't. This happened to me when I had a late pregnancy loss and people just stayed away from me and a lot of people at work and in the neighborhood just assumed we had family and friend support but we really didn't have that much because our families are very dysfunctional. While this is unfortunate it's also understandable. If you've never been even remotely close to someone in the past it is hard to create that closeness when they are in deep grief. It feels very intimate and hard.

Some people are more comfortable with this than others but I've also found that in highly transient areas (like DC) this is harder than it is in places with a lot of long-established families. I think it's because a lot of people feel burned when they invest a lot in their neighborhoods and communities and then so many people just leave unexpectedly. In DC it is not uncommon for people to pick up and move when their kids are in the middle of elementary whereas in other places that would be fairly uncommon. I've felt blindsided by moves from people we'd become close to and who our kids were close to. But this is an outgrowth of people living lives that are more career-focused than family-focused and where people prioritize travel and being cosmopolitan over stability. The attitude here is that kids will adjust and that moving for a big job or a cool opportunity abroad will actually be good for kids. In communities where people stay put there is a culture of wanting to stay in place for kids and really go deep on community. I just don't see that in this area as much though certainly it's true in many parts of the northeast (plenty of neighborhoods in New York and Pennsylvania where DH and I grew up where families have lived there for multiple generations).

[Anonymous]

I agree that the relationship has to be there beforehand to expect significant support. Add to this that people live far apart (family does not live close by, nobody knows your elderly parents who pass), food can easily be ordered, cards are rarely sent in general... times change. In old times a church would provide the lead in such matters, nowadays people really are on their own. When my friends' elderly parents pass, we don't do much except exchange condolences, as it was expected and they all lived far away. Life goes on.

[Anonymous]

I live in CA and couldn't pick my neighbors out of a lineup even with a gun to my head, so wouldn't ever know. If a friend lost a parent I'd bring/send them food, and call to check on them for a half year or so.