Forum Index
»
LGBTQIA+ Issues and Relationship Discussion
Young adult child about to undergo gender transition
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
Posted this first on the adult children forum but it was suggested I repost here. I'm not sure what I'm looking for here except that this is an anonymous forum so it's an easy place to post.
My 20 year old "son" is actually my 20 year old daughter, as she told spouse and I this past spring. There has been a bit of initial parental discomfort (mainly our generalized fears for her life and wellbeing) but we handled it very well from my daughter's perspective--we've been loving, supportive, and open minded. We've also taken the time to learn more about trans identity and struggle. This child has always been a bit "quirky", definitely autism spectrum but very very low support needed. She never expressed herself as a girl but identified that she was queer in some way as early as middle school. She's been thinking about the various possibilities since then. She's always had a small close group of friends, and many of them are gender diverse in some way including a couple of transfems. She views her gender transition as "not really a big deal" in the scheme of life and she truly acts accordingly. She's exactly who she has always been, we're just now lucky enough to learn more about who is inside. She is a joyful human, thoughtful, kind, giving, forgiving, and with great passion for her interests. She is living at home this year and commuting to her second year of university in town and we are truly thrilled to have her here--she's such a lovely and delightful human being. We missed her so much while she was in the dorms. She has never dated. She has never been into clothing or appearance. She is self-conscious about her body and has decided to start hormones before transitioning outwardly i.e. wearing women's clothing or makeup, etc. This was a bit shocking to us but apparently is more common than I thought due to a desire to not appear like "a man dressed as a woman". It is hard for me to imagine how this plays out but I guess sometimes you just wait and see. The hardest thing has been to convince her that she should see a therapist. We've explained that we don't know enough to support her through this and that having someone who has been there done that would be a benefit. We'll pay for it, of course. We're also really encouraging her to form more relationships with other trans people, like at school, because she'll need the community. She's so content in life that it's hard to convince her that things might be beyond her ability to cope at some point. Anyway....I guess I'm just throwing this out there because I appreciate hearing other stories from parents whose kids have transitioned at this age. |
Anonymous
| I'm trans myself but not the parent of a trans child so not who you're asking for stories from so I won't give them. I think it's great that you're being supportive but you should consider asking her to freeze sperm and talk to her about safe sex as well as how to keep herself safe in public. Many people raised as boys aren't taught the same things as those raised as girls are. Best case scenario she ends up passing and she only has to deal with people dangerous to all women. In that scenario what do you think happens when someone decides they want to touch a woman inappropriately at a bar or at night on the street or WHEREVER and then realizes that person is trans? Look up the gay/trans panic defense. |
Anonymous
Thank you for posting! I'm delighted to hear responses from trans people, I just didn't want to ask for free labor. I appreciate the sharing and advice. I wish I could get her to freeze sperm. We offered to pay for it and pay the storage for the forseeable future until she is established in life and the fees wouldn't be a limitation. Unfortunately she wasn't interested. She's so set in her ways--she also thinks she doesn't need therapy. At the end of the day all my spouse and I can do is continue to say something along the lines of "we're not trying to get you to change your mind, we support you, but we're trying to make sure we catch you just in case you make a decision at 20 that you don't appreciate later". I mean, we remember being 20 and damn was I making some immature decisions that would not have been good if they were permanent. Hugs to you |
Anonymous
|
I’m sorry to hear that she won’t freeze sperm. I’m sure she’s convinced that she would never use it and in many cases that’s true but some people do end up wishing they had it. It’s pretty common for trans people to feel like they missed out on a lot of life and freezing sperm could delay the start of her transition a few more months but I would just reiterate that you think it’s important and that she has your support but you want her to do this. A couple months delay doesn’t make that much of a difference (and either way she’s still young enough to get hip growth) but not freezing sperm could be a lifetime of regret. You can even show her this post if you want. Maybe you can offer to pay for voice training if she does it. There are vocal coaches that specialize in voice feminization that you work with weekly to get a more feminine sounding voice. The vast majority of people can achieve a female sounding voice after 3-6 months. It’s about $100-125 a week for the lessons which is why a lot of trans women can’t afford it. This is a short term expense and effort for a voice she’ll use for the rest of her life. If she freezes sperm maybe you can pay for this.
If she won’t go to therapy and won’t listen to your advice, would she be willing to go to support groups? I know there are some in DC, MD, and VA depending on where you’re located. Some are virtual and some are in person although maybe she feels she has this need met with her friend group. |
Anonymous
|
This sounds a lot like my daughter, who came out at 16. She is doing well. Also has not dated yet. But adjusting well in college and making friends. We basically made her freeze sperm since she was underage. She really didn’t want to and unfortunately you can’t make a 20 year old. (Something I think parents who make kids wait until 18 should think about…you lose any control you had.) We did some family therapy. I can’t say it was that helpful. And she has seen a therapist a bit, although more for anxiety than gender. It’s been tough to find a good one. But also you really need to want to do it.
My daughter also doesn’t go out of her way to hang out with other trans girls. I don’t think she has any trans feminine friends? Some of her high school friends were queer and non nonbinary. I have also encouraged this and she doesn’t seem to care so IDK! I’m pretty sure the college friends she’s made are cis girls and she seems fine with that. |
Anonymous
| Oh, I also thought it was weird to medically transition first but think about it. There can be a lot of social backlash and even danger. It was actually better that she went on HRT first. It took time for her to find a style, and it’s been 3 years and I still think she is not quite sure what hers is yet. |
Anonymous
|
The DC Center has trans therapists and referrals for trans therapists. I really do think we do trans children and young adults a disservice when we act like there's. no need for therapy. Not that you're doing that.
|
Anonymous
Sure therapy helps someone deal with hardships during their transition but it isn't required that any adult anywhere see a therapist. |
Anonymous
Of course not, but very few adults anywhere, especially young trans adults, would get no benefit from a good therapist. Undergoing a transition that involves permanent bodily changes would best be accompanied by therapy. Same for infertility, which has similar hormonal changes involved. |
Anonymous
| My son (originally born female) has made a full transition and is the happiest human now. We went through years of sadness and severe depression. Medicines and Therapsits and a lot of help and support through the years. I have to say they are the happiest they have been in years and we are no longer in need of medicine. So comfortable with their body. He had been dressing like a boy since 3 rd grade always into boy things has presented like a boy his entire life and now at 19 this past summer had female to male top surgery. They have a ton of friends at college all accepting and supporting of his transition and full support at home from both parents and both siblings. My advice is to love and support. Your child can have a very happy life transitioned they just need to be in the right environment with support. Another example we just switched from pediatric regular doctor to An LGBTQ doctor. You want to ensure they are cared for at home and medically by those that understand them and support them. |
Anonymous
|
Just in case no one saw this:
"New research finds trans teens have high satisfaction with gender care" https://www.npr.org/sections/shots-health-news/2024/10/23/nx-s1-5161428/trans-kids-regret-gender-affirming-care?fbclid=IwY2xjawGHdy9leHRuA2FlbQIxMQABHSaLaDSwwamxpd22eohCxfvpH6bg2eKq8VCufqrSpssjsa3sDv2AvOPgEw_aem_IygCxlPlT_1fnYHetqQYJQ I'm in my late 40s and the mom of a trans daughter (18+ now). I also was good friends with some gay kids in high school. I lived in Virginia--not NOVA--and it was tough on them. None of them did turn out to be trans. There was a lot of bullying. I don't think most people had much sense of what being transgender was. In fact, I'd never even heard of a trans man. The first time I even heard of one was Buck Angel, who is a porn star, and I was at least in my 20s then. Trans women were seen as laughingstocks and confused with crossdressers. Basically, there is no way to compare because the greater society did not even think about trans people. If you were a kid or a teenager when I grew up in the 80s and 90s, you might have had those feelings but had no way to contextualize them. |
Anonymous
|
Heartwarming story below. Does your adult child have support from their peer group?
https://www.goodmorningamerica.com/amp/wellness/story/twins-transition-female-male-58770490 |