DH dumps decisions on me so he can criticize later

[Anonymous]

I’m so frustrated and can’t seem to find a way to call DH out on this behavior that gets him to care of change.

When we’re faced with a difficult parenting decision, rather than state his opinion based on the actual scenario we’re facing, he’ll give a general equivocating statement (“teenagers are hard”, “babies get really grumpy!”) then criticize my plan (teenager needs support for homework planning, baby needed a sleep schedule, etc) without suggesting his own practical solution.

Then he sits back and watches it play out, and afterwards he Monday morning quarterbacks the entire situation. So a situation that he said was no big deal and I was overreacting to: I deal with it, and then he says I should have actually dealt with it in this way or that way and it would have been way better than what I did. Never mind that at the time I asked him for advice he thought even talking about it was unnecessary.

I hate that DH thinks he can be a spectator to our family life when it’s hard and a critic of my parenting once things are easy again.

How do I break out of this pattern?

[Anonymous]

Before anything else comes up mention that you find that he avoids contributing advice, but is quick to provide criticism. Maybe next time text him asking for brainstorming ideas to help problem solve. If he is unwilling to be a team player, then he needs hold his tongue. Otherwise he tackles the next few issues on his own while you sit back and watch.

[Anonymous]

How do you break out of this pattern of Troll Repostings?

Get a life.

[Anonymous]

Simple. Call him on it. Lay out several examples of his behavior. Tell him that you should be in the marriage together and that he needs to be a full participant. Let him take the lead on the next big decision.

[Anonymous]

He is a jerk. So you have to decide if you want to stay married to a jerk. You can try calling him out, but there is about a 1% likelihood he will change.

[Anonymous]

Ask him to take the lead on the issue, that you feel he would do a great job. He probably won’t do anything. Follow up. It sounds like resentment is building and that’s a big problem. He sounds like an unhelpful jerk

[Anonymous]

Stop responding to his criticism. He says you should have loaded the dishwasher THIS way instead of your way, you say "oh, ok, next time you can load the dishwasher." He complains that airline tickets were cheaper and better on XXX vs. the airline you chose, "Oh, yes, you are right. Would you like to research and book our tickets next time?" He doesn't like the electrician you hired and tell you you forgot to mention XYZ, then, "I'm sorry you don't like Bob the Electrician. I'll leave you to book the plumber and be here for the repairs we need to the kids bathroom"

Do NOT react defensively.

[Anonymous]

That’s my spouse. Anytime something works out wonderfully it was always his decision (even if it was mine and he was originally against it) and anytime something negative or bad happens it was my fault/my decision.

Now when he asks my opinion I outright tell him I’m not giving him one because I will be blamed for it later. It actually kind of turned things around.

I now am getting credit for choosing to buy the two homes we did that both appreciated $700k in 10 years. He was against purchasing a home both times.

[Anonymous]

“I plan to do X. If you would rather approach this a different way, let me know now. If you don’t have a better idea and I implement X, I will not entertain any criticism or complaining for you later, as you have brought nothing to the table.”

“You brought nothing to the table, again, some more. We do things my way because you do nothing. If you want to complain, go outside and yell at a cloud.”

“There he is again, Old Man Yelling at Cloud.”