Giving up career for a family life?

[Anonymous]

DH is considering stepping down from upper management to a regular staff in order to decrease his commute, spend more time with kids and not to deal with all the bs that comes with the title. He's 37 and has accomplished so much in his career already, but I don't know that he's ready to give up his career just yet. I tell him that I'll support whatever he decides, but he keeps saying we need to do what's best for the family. I know what's best of our family is for him to step down and be a regular guy in the office that's done at 5pm. But part of me keeps thinking he shouldn't give up the opportunities in his career. We can make it for couple of years and re-evaluate...

Has anyone been faced with that decision? What have you decided?

[Anonymous]

DH changed careers at age 40. He has had new challenges, new work, more flexibility and is much, much happier. If he thinks stepping away is good for him, why do think he should wait?

Our biggest question was going to be the change in salary. DH did not have problems maintaining and later increasing salary - but I believe if is different for women who step back - they never make up the financial loss later.

[Anonymous]

In this economy, money is a big factor. You can manage to carve out family time on a tight work schedule, but you can't make up for lost money.

Personally, I wouldn't be supportive.

Do you work?

[Anonymous]

You only have one life. If he's decided he prefers to spend more time with family and it's a financial move that you can make, I would support him in it. Plenty of women cut their work hours when they have kids. Men can too.

[Anonymous]

To be fair, your title is a bit misleading. He is not "giving up" a career (quitting the workforce to stay home) as much as stepping back. I feel like moms do that all the time. But I get your point, he would be giving up the title, the ladder, the prestige, salary. But he would still be working and likely progressing, though slower.

I do think the economy is a factor here. If you also work I would say he should consider scaling back, but if he is the sole breadwinner, you have to take into account the perception. But only he can know that.

Another big factor is, will he be happy? He still has to go to work 40 hours a week so it's somewhat important not to be miserable.

Interesting though because if he was a mom I think I would say - yes! I have worked PT and now I'm back to FT but in a 40 hour job, and it's great! I love working and having time with my family. But then again, I have a nice little career but I didn't have a big prestigious title and I knew when I made the decision to have kids what I wanted my career to do for the next 15 years. If he was on a path, he is just going to have to weigh the pros and cons.

[Anonymous]

OP,
Lots of lower level jobs come with long hours, at least in the private sector. He wouldn't know until he was in it. Also, he could start and a few months later a colleague could leave and he'd end up covering for him and be working very hard for less money. Not clear: how is he planning to do this? Does he have a position lined up? I am not following how anyone can know that job is out there. Also, do you work OP?

[Anonymous]

I did this six years ago and am forever greatful that I had the opportunity and that my family supported me in making the change. I gave up a lucrative position that had lots of responsibility and lots of hours in order to improve my family life. My salary dropped by 40% in exchange for a more reasonable work schedule and a less stressful job. The commute is about the same, but since I use public transportation, it's kind of nice to have downtime to read or just listen to music. We've since gone on to have two more kids, something that I don't think would have been possible had I not made the change.

In our case, while it was a financial hit, it was one that we could afford with some lifestyle changes that we were willing to make.

[Anonymous]

Are you willing to downgrade from Great Falls/McLean to Oakton/Vienna/Fairfax (fill in MD/DC neighborhoods of your choice) if needed?

Will your hubby be happier, or is he in a funk that can only be solved by sitting around in bathrobe playing WoW and/or watching Judge Judy? (i.e. is he going to be "stressed" 6-18 months down the road) Is your hubby at risk of more dangerous burnout in a few years?

[Anonymous]

I basically mommy-tracked myself when I had my daughter at 36, and I hate it. I don't miss the 10-12 hour days and the travel, but I do miss having a responsible, high-visibility position, more challenging work and more money in an industry I liked better. As a finance person, though, I've found that there isn't much middle ground between "very little to do between busy periods" and "way too much to do all the time." All the jobs I've had seem to be one or the other. (If I were still childless, I'd have stuck with the "way too much to do all the time" jobs.)

If he can find a staff position he likes, with work that's interesting, it might be a good move. But if the only option is taking a job where he's coasting all the time, I really wouldn't recommend it. Yes, work-life balance is wonderful. But it's not the only thing, and having to work 40 hours a week at a job that bores him might make him more unhappy than he was before.

[Anonymous]

I am a husband that did it and have never been happier. We have always lived within our means and it was always part of the plan. I have no idea how people can pick work over kids games, parties, etc.

A wise person once told me, if you are not part of your kids lives, and we are not just talking about seeing them in the morning and then hope to catch them before bed, someone else will be.

[Anonymous]

OP,
Also what will this do to long-term savings for college and retirement? I know some very high earners who leave work at five several days a week! (I see them at my child's team practices.)

[Anonymous]

PP poster here, the husband

We saved a lot for retirement and for school we have a great start on it. We know we can't borrow for retirement; you can borrow for school so we are not too worried there.

The one thing you can't borrow form is time with your family.

I know many people who want to spend time with their kids but to pay for the large house and fancy cars they can’t.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't do it. I'm a mom who did it and feel badly about the loss of prestige/respect. I still work and it still takes as much time. Maybe your husband is just depressed or something and needs to talk to someone. Tell him not to do anything rash in this economy. If he does change jobs -- the risk is the ... "the last one hired is the first one fired".

[Anonymous]

Maybe your husband should talk with a career coach or even a therapist. Not because anything's wrong with him, but because there are a lot of different factors to think about and it often helps to speak with someone who's been through this with other people and is objective. (Not that you're not helpful and supportive as his DW. But it's impossible to be objective in this situation.)

He needs to think about (1) the identity issues (who is he at his core, what are his true values, how much does work play a role in his identity, will he feel a sense of loss if he downshifts, what will that loss be and how will he cope); (2) the financial issues (in order to afford this, what will have to change in terms of spending/saving, will he feel a loss of security and a heightened sense of risk about his future, how will he cope; and (3) relationship issues (how do you two match up when it comes to need for security vs. appetite for risk, might this change his relationship with you, how can he talk with you about this to be sure you're both on the same page.)

Reading the posts above, I can see how people's different values, personalities and marital relationships all influence their perspective and advice on this issue. One size does not fit all, unfortunately.

[aprilmayjune]

My husband works a lot of hours and makes the kind of money that provides the ability for me to SAH and care for our daughter. I have brought up me going back to work and allowing the ability for him to get a lesser job, but he doesn't want that. My husband takes a great deal of pride in his ability to provide us with our traditional (ish) family life.. I know that sometimes he wishes to work less hours or have a new job altogether, but he also wants for me to stay at home and not put our child in daycare.

I guess my point of sharing our homelife, is how will this affect your family finances, your work life etc etc.. I agree with the PP's that he really needs to look into his future so to speak to try to figure out how he will feel 6 months, a year, 5 years from now.. This is a decision that will affect all of you for quite some time so it's something that you all really need to discuss. Another PP made a very good point that even the craziest work schedule can allow for family time to be carved out of. My husband works 45 minutes away from our home on 12 hour overnight shifts, and needs to leave an hour and a half before his shift starts in order to beat traffic, but I have just worked my daughters daily routine around that so that we still have a family dinner and family time every day in the afternoon before he goes to work. Is it tough sometimes? yes, do we make it work? yes. I think it's great that you want to support what he wants. A supportive wife is something I'm sure he will appreciate no matter what his decision is. Just try to make sure you're both available for a good, open discussion, note pros and cons etc etc.. Good luck!