How to handle annoying family habits? They are good people overall but my SIL humble brags non stop about her popularity

[Anonymous]

Every story is about how many good friends she has/they have, how she was invited to this or that. And when she’s not doing that, she’s telling stories and showing pictures of how wealthy people she knows are. It’s hard not to be annoyed. Like why do I care how big some stranger (to me)’s house is? But these are minor issues, and they are otherwise kind and good people.

How would you handle?

[Anonymous]

You don’t “handle” other people. What you handle is how much time and attention you are willing to give them.

Surely you can be pleasant to her and accepting of what you perceive to be as flaws for a few hours during family gatherings or holidays, OP. Beyond that, no need to make long vacation plans with her, or go out to dinner with her solo.

You can be kind without expecting to be her best friend and love absolutely everything about her.

Just like plenty of people accept what they consider to be YOUR flaws and shortcomings, OP.

[Anonymous]

Just be normal. When she shows you Ainsley’s private plane, smile faintly and say something mild. She’s vulgar and annoying but it’s not worth a rift.

[Anonymous]

Also, some people brag and talk nonstop to fill a void. Maybe she's uncomfortable in her own skin or one of those people who can never be alone and always has to have people around in order to feel good... and if she's choosing to do this with you specifically, then its likely because she feels some need to compensate for something around you. Perhaps you are more secure in your (less social/more solitary?) life So just smile, nod, and feel secure in your own skin that you do not need to overshare and humble brag like this with anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Eh, I would tune it out. She's insecure and it shows. But if she's kind, that's much more important. I know people close to me who are cruel, cold-hearted bullies, but they never boast about their influential friends. I'd rather have your SIL as a relative, honestly!

[Anonymous]

I would just make conversation. Why do people make this so hard? Showing someone’s 80000 sq ft home with an indoor basketball court? Ooooh that’s NICE. Private jet? Ask has she flown on it. A part of knowing how to make my conversation is talking about stuff you have ZERO interest in.

[Anonymous]

I have an old friend from college like this. She's also gossipy, but some of that is how she grew up she would be mortified to think she is turning into her mother. Other than that stuff she is a good person who means well, so I humor her with the bragging and her wanting to make sure I see her social media boasting too, but she also knows not to take any photos with me because I will consent to being posted online.

I set more limits with the gossip. She told me one mom I had met multiple times got herpes from her husband's affair. I did finally say "did she consent for you to share this with me?" That shut things down pretty quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, some people brag and talk nonstop to fill a void. Maybe she's uncomfortable in her own skin or one of those people who can never be alone and always has to have people around in order to feel good... and if she's choosing to do this with you specifically, then its likely because she feels some need to compensate for something around you. Perhaps you are more secure in your (less social/more solitary?) life So just smile, nod, and feel secure in your own skin that you do not need to overshare and humble brag like this with anyone else.

This is helpful advice and perspective, thank you. Obviously I know there isn’t much to do here, but the incessant bragging is tiring and I get exasperated, especially when I’m stressed which I have been lately. I don’t want to blow up family over something relatively minor like this, so it’s helpful to be reminded of this perspective

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh, I would tune it out. She's insecure and it shows. But if she's kind, that's much more important. I know people close to me who are cruel, cold-hearted bullies, but they never boast about their influential friends. I'd rather have your SIL as a relative, honestly!

Thank you, this is helpful perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just make conversation. Why do people make this so hard? Showing someone’s 80000 sq ft home with an indoor basketball court? Ooooh that’s NICE. Private jet? Ask has she flown on it. A part of knowing how to make my conversation is talking about stuff you have ZERO interest in.

Why? Because it’s a tiring habit, and at times, family is gathered for very stressful situations like illness, death, etc. so it’s not always easy to be rational and calm and at one’s best. You’ve never been exasperated with someone??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t “handle” other people. What you handle is how much time and attention you are willing to give them.

Surely you can be pleasant to her and accepting of what you perceive to be as flaws for a few hours during family gatherings or holidays, OP. Beyond that, no need to make long vacation plans with her, or go out to dinner with her solo.

You can be kind without expecting to be her best friend and love absolutely everything about her.

Just like plenty of people accept what they consider to be YOUR flaws and shortcomings, OP.

I truly wonder why people respond like this. So unnecessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t “handle” other people. What you handle is how much time and attention you are willing to give them.

Surely you can be pleasant to her and accepting of what you perceive to be as flaws for a few hours during family gatherings or holidays, OP. Beyond that, no need to make long vacation plans with her, or go out to dinner with her solo.

You can be kind without expecting to be her best friend and love absolutely everything about her.

Just like plenty of people accept what they consider to be YOUR flaws and shortcomings, OP.

I truly wonder why people respond like this. So unnecessary.

I like how what is “helpful” to you, OP, is people essentially telling you SIL is “just jealous” of you or she is “insecure.” That is “helpful perspective,” got it.

But if someone challenges you to remember that not everyone has to behave exactly as you want them to, and People are Different from You, and that others likely see you as flawed, that’s unhelpful.

So here you go, OP: “She’s just jealous and insecure because you are sooooo amazzzzzing!!!” Heart, star, flower, awe!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, some people brag and talk nonstop to fill a void. Maybe she's uncomfortable in her own skin or one of those people who can never be alone and always has to have people around in order to feel good... and if she's choosing to do this with you specifically, then its likely because she feels some need to compensate for something around you. Perhaps you are more secure in your (less social/more solitary?) life So just smile, nod, and feel secure in your own skin that you do not need to overshare and humble brag like this with anyone else.

This is helpful advice and perspective, thank you. Obviously I know there isn’t much to do here, but the incessant bragging is tiring and I get exasperated, especially when I’m stressed which I have been lately. I don’t want to blow up family over something relatively minor like this, so it’s helpful to be reminded of this perspective

New poster. I’m going to add perspective. My kids go to a school where many of their friends are ridiculously uber wealthy. We are not. I have told my friends and family about my kid flying on a private jet or playing basketball in his friend’s indoor full-size court. It would never occur to me that I was bragging. I find it fascinating so I share the stories. I guess I don’t see how this is bragging. It’s not my jet! Maybe your SIL is just trying to make conversation. Is it possible because of your own insecurities you assume she is bragging?

[Anonymous]

I don’t buy that SIL is insecure. Some people are just enamored of wealth and like to talk about it a lot. This is a personality quirk you don’t like but it isn’t a sign that she feels inadequate in her life.

[Anonymous]

The thing is, she is not going to change and there is nothing to handle. If you are irritated by her, you need to look at yourself to see why that is. What triggers you when she is doing what you call a humble brag? I would suggest and enter into conversations or situations with her with a presumption of positive intent. And realize that there may be aspects of your own personality that trigger her as well