How much is appropriate to call the shots when you have family staying in your home?

[Anonymous]

I struggle often with the fact that when my ILs stay they have such different preferences than us. Eg the time they want to eat dinner vs us (we eat much later than them bc of what time we finish work and just our rhythm)

Do you all do what your ILs want to do because they are the guests or compromise and feel bad or how do you think about it? We typically compromise but i find that even the compromise makes me sort of have to twist myself into a pretzel.

would love to hear how others think about it.

[Anonymous]

If they are there for a short visit, then you accommodate them as best you can. If they are staying for a period of time, then they should eat at their time, and you eat when you are done with work. Weekends you can eat together in a compromise time.

[Anonymous]

If it’s a visit during “regular times” with work and school and activities, they can either fall in line or work around you.

If it’s during holidays and you don’t have work/school/tons of activities, you can adjust things like Christmas dinner or Thanksgiving dinner to a time that works better for them, or that is a compromise.

When you have flexibility, be flexible. When you don’t, make it clear that you’re doing X at Y o’clock and they are free to do something else if that works better for them.

[Anonymous]

Some of it will depend on logistics. I don’t get home from work until 5:45 at the earliest to start making dinner. They would have to start things to get dinner on the table earlier. If it was something like they get up earlier then I’d leave things accessible for them and say we should be down at 8am. I would not change children’s schedules excessively nor have them miss anything we didn’t feel was flexible.

[Anonymous]

My house, my schedule, my rules. I'll try to accommodate within reason, but I'm not bending over backwards.

[Anonymous]

Don’t force someone to eat later if they don’t want to, but that doesn’t mean you have to make the dinner. I get up early and eat dinner early - at the very least I’ll need a hearty snack around 5 if dinner gets pushed out later simply because that’s how I have taught my body over the years! So find some middle ground at the very least on that.

[Anonymous]

ummm you have to make sure your guests have their basic biological needs met, and that definitely includes eating meals at a time that somewhat matches their rythyms. So if they are used to eating at 5, making everyone eat at 9 isn’t reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it’s a visit during “regular times” with work and school and activities, they can either fall in line or work around you.

If it’s during holidays and you don’t have work/school/tons of activities, you can adjust things like Christmas dinner or Thanksgiving dinner to a time that works better for them, or that is a compromise.

When you have flexibility, be flexible. When you don’t, make it clear that you’re doing X at Y o’clock and they are free to do something else if that works better for them.

This. But also, some older ppl legit cannot eat later--they get heartburn or uncomfortable. Some of my relatives are like that: if they don't eat by 5 it affects their digestion and sleep. So if meal time is the biggest source of conflict, I'd just make it so that they have everything they need to make their own dinner.

[Anonymous]

I generally keep to my family's schedule but also make provisions for people to help themselves on their own schedule if need be. My parents, for example, eat 2 meals a day: a full hot breakfast at 10 and then dinner at 5:30. I'm out of the house for work from 8 to 5:30ish so I just make sure I have on hand all the things they like for breakfast (which they cook on their own) and often they will get dinner started before DH and I get home which is a big help. They don't have to do that, of course, but the other option is to wait until 6:30-7ish.

If people are staying over a holiday when I'm likely to have taken time off work to be in "host-host" mode, then I am more willing and able to flex the schedule a bit.

But if you're visiting during a regular school/work week you go with the flow or take care of your own needs.

[Anonymous]

I assume there are issues other than dinner that need negotiation, but do your ILs cook? Do they want to make dinner? Have you asked them (genuinely asked, not booby-trapped) when they mention dinner? "We start cooking when we get home, so dinner is always going to be at least [half an hour/an hour/whatever] after that. But if you want to cook, we're happy to eat earlier."

I agree that one of the reasons the older people I know eat so early is that they need to digest before bedtime or they'll get heartburn/reflux, which sounds miserable.

[Anonymous]

For certain things, I feel like “my house, my rules” - but for things like food choices and times I try to be sensitive to other people’s needs. When I was pregnant or had babies and toddlers, I feel like my parents and in-laws tried to be thoughtful about meal times and and having foods that everyone could eat, choosing restaurants and meal times that maximized the chances of my kids sitting for the meal and not having meltdowns.

My parents and in-laws eat less and at different times from us. They also have some dietary restrictions. When they visit I try to make sure they have some foods they like at every meal and that they have easy self-serve options if they get up earlier than us or need an afternoon “tea time” before a late dinner. I don’t set out an elaborate spread or drive myself crazy with extra work, but I make an effort so they feel welcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I struggle often with the fact that when my ILs stay they have such different preferences than us. Eg the time they want to eat dinner vs us (we eat much later than them bc of what time we finish work and just our rhythm)

Do you all do what your ILs want to do because they are the guests or compromise and feel bad or how do you think about it? We typically compromise but i find that even the compromise makes me sort of have to twist myself into a pretzel.

would love to hear how others think about it.

Your house, your preference. I'm an inlaw/parent and can always eat a snack. Are they just visiting or also working during a visit?
We have 1 adult DC where the household has some unusual strict rules and procedures. Would stay in a hotel and another would stay at their house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I struggle often with the fact that when my ILs stay they have such different preferences than us. Eg the time they want to eat dinner vs us (we eat much later than them bc of what time we finish work and just our rhythm)

Do you all do what your ILs want to do because they are the guests or compromise and feel bad or how do you think about it? We typically compromise but i find that even the compromise makes me sort of have to twist myself into a pretzel.

would love to hear how others think about it.

Your house, your preference. I'm an inlaw/parent and can always eat a snack. Are they just visiting or also working during a visit?
We have 1 adult DC where the household has some unusual strict rules and procedures. Would stay in a hotel and another would stay at their house.

They're just visiting but they visit quite a bit and on weekends often (like 1 in 5 or 6 weekends they come to stay). I work crazy hard during the week, friday nights the kids have sports and saturday nights I look forward to being the one night where I get to kind of relax and have a nice dinner not at 5.30pm. I also grew up in spain where no one would ever eat dinner at 5.30pm so it feels especially jolting and makes me not want them to come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I struggle often with the fact that when my ILs stay they have such different preferences than us. Eg the time they want to eat dinner vs us (we eat much later than them bc of what time we finish work and just our rhythm)

Do you all do what your ILs want to do because they are the guests or compromise and feel bad or how do you think about it? We typically compromise but i find that even the compromise makes me sort of have to twist myself into a pretzel.

would love to hear how others think about it.

Your house, your preference. I'm an inlaw/parent and can always eat a snack. Are they just visiting or also working during a visit?
We have 1 adult DC where the household has some unusual strict rules and procedures. Would stay in a hotel and another would stay at their house.

They're just visiting but they visit quite a bit and on weekends often (like 1 in 5 or 6 weekends they come to stay). I work crazy hard during the week, friday nights the kids have sports and saturday nights I look forward to being the one night where I get to kind of relax and have a nice dinner not at 5.30pm. I also grew up in spain where no one would ever eat dinner at 5.30pm so it feels especially jolting and makes me not want them to come.

Well, you’re not in Spain, Hilaria.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I struggle often with the fact that when my ILs stay they have such different preferences than us. Eg the time they want to eat dinner vs us (we eat much later than them bc of what time we finish work and just our rhythm)

Do you all do what your ILs want to do because they are the guests or compromise and feel bad or how do you think about it? We typically compromise but i find that even the compromise makes me sort of have to twist myself into a pretzel.

would love to hear how others think about it.

Your house, your preference. I'm an inlaw/parent and can always eat a snack. Are they just visiting or also working during a visit?
We have 1 adult DC where the household has some unusual strict rules and procedures. Would stay in a hotel and another would stay at their house.

They're just visiting but they visit quite a bit and on weekends often (like 1 in 5 or 6 weekends they come to stay). I work crazy hard during the week, friday nights the kids have sports and saturday nights I look forward to being the one night where I get to kind of relax and have a nice dinner not at 5.30pm. I also grew up in spain where no one would ever eat dinner at 5.30pm so it feels especially jolting and makes me not want them to come.

Well, you’re not in Spain, Hilaria.

Well they're at her home, they shouldn't disrupt the hosts lives so much if they can't handle getting a damn snack for themselves.