Building friendships

[Anonymous]

50 year old mom here. We have a couple friend groups but everything is very surface and I feel like it’s hard to break in. It amazes me how a couple of them are able to walk into a room
and make genuine connections with others. I’m outgoing, kind, educated. I listen and take genuine interest in people. I include everyone, I smile. But I never seem to make those instant connections. I am a bit serious and not that funny, so maybe that’s it. Or I might come across overeager.

If you’re someone who makes friends easily, what are you doing at parties? What are you talking about??

[Anonymous]

I'm the same as you. I have old friends going back to high school, but find it hard to make deep connections as I get older.

[Anonymous]

You have to be able to find common ground quickly. Do your kids go to the same school? Do you both go to the gym? Do you both like rock climbing? What did you think about the ball game last night?

[Anonymous]

I’m very outgoing but I’m also a good listener and curious so I think people enjoy speaking with me because it’s not about me.

[Anonymous]

Its not instant. Its repeated over time and also requires active listening. People i half click with i invitefor a solo thing even if its a quick coffee or joint errand. Used to be people talked on the phone and built that connection too.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're talking about two separate things. Small talk of which they are very good and actual, true friendships which, instead, may be what you want. Not always separate, but usually. They are operating at a higher level with surface interactions. They likely have a much better radar for others who seek the same.

If you are trying to build actual friendships of any depth, use this group interaction time differently. Learn a little about people to guide an assertion on whether they are a good (personality) match for you. And trust your gut. Also think about in what context you could see this person again. To invite. To get to know each other better. One-on-one. If this is not what you are seeking, I refer back to paragraph 1. And I think a big personality w/skilled small talk can be improved but is largely an innate skill and personality.

[Anonymous]

I easily make connections because I'm good at that. But most of the time it doesn't magically lead to some deep friendship, often because people are busy. It just means I have a ton of acquaintances, a few of which might eventually become friends. When I'm trying to build friendships, if I get along with someone a few times, we might arrange to meet up for happy hour or something. Coffee would work too.