What is etiquette here (trigger warning: death)

[Anonymous]

I just heard the awful news that the father of one of my 10 year old daughter’s friends was in a car accident and died a couple days ago. They are pretty good friends, but we are only loosely friendly with the parents/mom (ie we don’t hang out socially but are friendly when we coordinate plans for the kids or when we see one another in person).

The funeral is on Sunday and ordinarily we would go since it seems like many in our community are planning to, but we are currently out of town and won’t be able to make it back.

I just sent a condolence card to the family, but beyond that I am not sure how to handle. Do I text the mom to say I am sorry for their loss since the card I mailed today probably won’t reach them until next week? Do I mention that we are out of town so they don’t think we just didn’t care enough to be at the funeral?

And should my daughter reach out in some way to her friend - they do text one another on iPads from time to time but not sure if that is appropriate for a 10 year old to text her friend about this. Should she send a separate letter?

Bottom line is that I want the family to know we are thinking about them without appearing insensitive for not reaching out beyond a card… I just don’t know what’s appropriate.

[Anonymous]

My 10 year old lost a sibling, not a parent, which is a little different, but the thing he desperately needed was a break from the house full of sadness and memories. He needed friends who would invite him over, and then be understanding if he was spacey, or overly silly, or wanted to go home early. I needed parents of friends who would reassure me he was OK when my anxiety was super high, and who would understand my need to have more information about how he did than I usually would have asked for.

So, I would help your daughter send a message that says "I'm really sorry about your Dad. He seemed really nice. I just got back from the beach. Do you want to come over?"

[Anonymous]

When you get back ask if you can drop off some food and pick up her daughter to take her for a couple hours playdate. When she's over, tell her if she needs a break from the intensity of her house, she's welcome to ask your DD for a playdate any time, and she can talk about her dad as much or not at all as she feels like.

I could not tell you who showed up to any of the funerals I had to organize. I only remember one specific couple brought us biscotti when they came to pay their respects after the funeral because I'd never had any before and it was good.

[Anonymous]

Having some play dates soon is a really good idea. When one of my friend’s dad died in a coal mining accident, we had her over a lot in the months after. Her mom said most people dropped them because they didn’t know what to say. Don’t do that!

[Anonymous]

Please drop some meals to the house after the funeral.

Have your daughter have her friend on play dates.

I wish people had come over to sit with me after Mom died recently. I could have really used that. I am sad no one came over to sit with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you get back ask if you can drop off some food and pick up her daughter to take her for a couple hours playdate. When she's over, tell her if she needs a break from the intensity of her house, she's welcome to ask your DD for a playdate any time, and she can talk about her dad as much or not at all as she feels like.

I could not tell you who showed up to any of the funerals I had to organize. I only remember one specific couple brought us biscotti when they came to pay their respects after the funeral because I'd never had any before and it was good.

This 100%

[Anonymous]

Send flowers to the funeral home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please drop some meals to the house after the funeral.

Have your daughter have her friend on play dates.

I wish people had come over to sit with me after Mom died recently. I could have really used that. I am sad no one came over to sit with me.

People may have assumed you didn’t want company or were busy with arrangements; so often they just don’t know what to do.

I’m so sorry you felt alone, and I’m sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

After the funeral, asking to bring by food is a nice thing to do- especially once the initial food drop offs decline in number. Offering to host playdates too.

[Anonymous]

Lots of good advice here. I think you could solve your out of town problem by emailing the mom to let her know that you’re sorry to be out of town and won’t be able to attend services, and that you and DD hope to see them very soon.

Over time, I would also say, be safe people who they can talk to about the Dad’s life. People always want to talk about the awfulness of death, but those left behind want to be able to talk about their LIFE as well.

[Anonymous]

If you aren’t extremely close, you do not need to text or email ahead of time to tell the mom you can’t come to the funeral. I think that would be more of a nuisance than help to her.

Agree with others - help afterwards.