S/o ways to treat depressed DH

[Anonymous]

Reading the thread on depression in men got me thinking - could we crowdsource ways to help depressed husbands? My DH has been depressed for at least a decade, he does take medication now, which significantly helps, but it doesn’t do the trick by itself. He has become introverted and grumpy, and stopped hobbies like going to sporting games. He is short with our kids and barely talks to me, and throws himself into household chores as a way to escape.

I don’t think I am a very good spouse for him anymore, I am stressed out by pressure to be the high earner, be emotionally available for our kids, handle the planning and extended family relationships, etc.

Any suggestions? I dream about DH joining his alumni club, picking up pickleball or a poker game, doing therapy, etc. but I don’t know what good answers are.

[Anonymous]

I don’t really have an answer for you, but getting him to exercise regularly could make a huge difference. It’s so hard, because when you’re depressed, that is the last thing you want to do. But the same doctor who monitors his meds should be prescribing vigorous exercise every day and really insisting on it. I have a child with profound anxiety and a DH with mostly very well managed anxiety/depression and exercise is essential.

[Anonymous]

I recommend taking a NAMI Family to Family Class - online or in person. It is geared toward family members of people with depression. I learned a lot about how to cope with/support my MI family members.

[Anonymous]

I agree with exercise— can take a while to find something that clicks because not everyone is a runner but it’s worth it when it does

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading the thread on depression in men got me thinking - could we crowdsource ways to help depressed husbands? My DH has been depressed for at least a decade, he does take medication now, which significantly helps, but it doesn’t do the trick by itself. He has become introverted and grumpy, and stopped hobbies like going to sporting games. He is short with our kids and barely talks to me, and throws himself into household chores as a way to escape.

I don’t think I am a very good spouse for him anymore, I am stressed out by pressure to be the high earner, be emotionally available for our kids, handle the planning and extended family relationships, etc.

Any suggestions? I dream about DH joining his alumni club, picking up pickleball or a poker game, doing therapy, etc. but I don’t know what good answers are.

Divorce him. He is depressed because you are not the right spouse for him. Cut him loose. You deserve better.

[Anonymous]

I'm sure you know this OP, but you can't do anything. That's the whole problem. My DH is the same and he just cancelled the ONLY thing he did outside the house (lessons for an instrument) so now he literally has no reason to leave the house, ever. And he doesn't. This is a man that had tons of friends when I met him in his 20s and did sports, clubs etc. Was busy doing something all the time. Now to me it feels like his life has withered to this shell of a life. I have offered a million suggestions, he will take none. He, in fact, will especially NOT do something if I've suggested it, such as volunteering or joining a bird watching hiking group. It's been years, he says he should do something, but he never does. It's not for us to change unfortunately, he has to want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure you know this OP, but you can't do anything. That's the whole problem. My DH is the same and he just cancelled the ONLY thing he did outside the house (lessons for an instrument) so now he literally has no reason to leave the house, ever. And he doesn't. This is a man that had tons of friends when I met him in his 20s and did sports, clubs etc. Was busy doing something all the time. Now to me it feels like his life has withered to this shell of a life. I have offered a million suggestions, he will take none. He, in fact, will especially NOT do something if I've suggested it, such as volunteering or joining a bird watching hiking group. It's been years, he says he should do something, but he never does. It's not for us to change unfortunately, he has to want to.

OP here. Yes I think we are in the same spot. Unfortunately it has gone on so long that the marriage is really frayed. Our kids are entering high school so it feels like I should keep trying to stay the course for a while but it’s really hard. Would love to hear any stories where things turned around.

[Anonymous]

Too late. You can’t change people if they don’t want to change.

The best thing you can do now is educate your children to avoid romantic partners with depression, substance abuse, or mental health issues.

[Anonymous]

This feels like my situation too but I only recently realized depression and anxiety may be the culprit. Do you feel like covid made things worse? My husband rarely leaves the house either anymore. And if he does, it’s not to interact with other people. I plan everything - every trip, every event, anything outward facing. Because it doesn’t happen if I don’t.

[Anonymous]

Why are you pressuring yourself to be a high earner? Maybe if you chill out, he will follow. Either that or divorce