“Grandma’s Last Holiday”

[Anonymous]

In quotes because this is now my FIL and DH’s refrain and I don’t know how to
respond or even plan. ILs live 30 minutes away from us.

In summary, my MIL received a general diagnosis of a form of dementia. FIL opted not to tell MIL of her diagnosis (which is very sad) and is in denial.

“This could be Mom’s last Thanksgiving” was DH response to whether we should travel this year for Thanksgiving (to be with my sibling and family) and he’s not sure he should be away for any major holiday.

So do we just no longer travel or leave for any holidays for the foreseeable future?

[Anonymous]

My parents played this card for thirty years. The only difference it made to us was that when we planned a vacation we purchased the travel insurance. We spent time with them when we could, but after about year 8 it started to get old. It's ultimately a form of manipulation and control.

[Anonymous]

My parents did this shuffle with my grandmother for 20 years. She only actually declined for one holiday season. Live your life.

If he wants to stay behind, travel without him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents played this card for thirty years. The only difference it made to us was that when we planned a vacation we purchased the travel insurance. We spent time with them when we could, but after about year 8 it started to get old. It's ultimately a form of manipulation and control.

OP - yes feeling manipulated and controlled was my first thought. Also recalled that my MIL said this all the time about HER parents (who lived well into their 80s!) every year when she wanted us to take off work to spend additional time with her parents. It was Granny’s last time to visit us/travel/celebrate for a full decade.

[Anonymous]

Wow, you seem remarkably self-centered and cold. Dementia is devastating and goes downhill. While your MIL may live for several more years, he is losing his mother now. I don’t think ceding the holidays to him this one year to transition and grieve is unreasonable. It will be one more chance for him to have memories of his mother, even if she forgets, and to have the opportunity to give her the pleasure of her son while he still can. This doesn’t mean it will go on for years. Next year, she’ll probably have either stabilized so it won’t seem as critical, or declined to the point where your presence won’t matter so much to her (although you may want to do something nice for FIL) and your husband won’t be able to have that experience of holiday with Mom, even if he was there.

Eventually, unfortunately, your side of the family will have some misfortune and you’ll need your husband to support you at that time. That’s where the balance comes in. Alternating holidays is great under normal circumstances, but when something major happens, the normal procedures need to go out the window to deal with the immediate trauma. It may mean spending all the holidays with your family some year, or taking care of the kids if you have to go help your family with a medical emergency. While I think my ex-husband was a jerk in a lot of ways, I’ll always be grateful for his support when, after losing 3 grandparents within a month (including the grandmother I was exceptionally close to - one of my best friends), I was basically a walking zombie.

[Anonymous]

The goalposts always move. Plus who’s to say your sister won’t get hit by a bus, God forbid. He can stay with his parents but you see your family.

[Anonymous]

No. That is not fair to you. Visit your family exactly as you intended. Tell your husband he can stay back. Take the kids or arrange some rotation.

[Anonymous]

DH is probably still in shock over the diagnosis. Give him a while to get over it and he'll realize he's not being reasonable.

You shouldn't change whatever your previous tradition was with holidays - alternate going to see his family or yours, whatever it was.

[Anonymous]

I would give it to him for this year. Next year she will likely be totally out of it by the holidays so it won’t even matter. This really isnt one that can string along forever, having been through it with a few relatives. In one year you go from “slightly loopy sometimes” to “really out of it and doesn’t even really know it’s Christmas any way”. Then they can hang on forever depending on heart health. But it probably is the last year she’ll know it’s Christmas and that you’re there for that.

[Anonymous]

My DH says the same thing every holiday season: "This could be grandma's last thanksgiving...christmas...easter..".

5 years and counting now.

Alzheimer's can be a slow progression for some people.

[Anonymous]

OP back with a thank you.

So much to consider. Our DC really want to travel and be with their cousins (all young adults-college age) and I would absolutely go without DH.

I don’t add this but my last parent died a few months ago. So this is our first Thanksgiving w/o parents. My siblings and I have vowed to see each other as often as we can since our former childhood home, sold last year, was always a natural gathering place. So many emotions.

[Anonymous]

Many with dementia/alzheimers are gone within 2 years. Mom lasted 18 years after diagnosis.

Can you have Thanksgiving dinner a week before with MIL and FIL?

[Anonymous]

16:26 poster here

Or conversely can you see your sister and cousins another weekend in November and have a big meal with them then.

I'd see both sides of the family in November.

Have some grace with DH. Dementia/alzheimers is a terrible disease.

[Anonymous]

You need to plan less in the future. Thanksgiving is too far away to plan right now. For now, plan Labor Day. Then Halloween, then Thanksgiving.

[Anonymous]

Very sorry for your losses.
But I would say if you and your sibling have plans, you do that.
Your husband can be with his parents.
Your kids pick but do they know or care Grandma may be very different soon?
Maybe your whole family can visit in laws after the holidays. Valentine's Day?