Too attached

[Anonymous]

My mom has dementia. I love her dearly but the behavior is really getting to me, such that I can do one thing with her per day (i.e., take her for dinner), and need the rest of the day to do my own adult/work/parenting stuff. My mom is super enthusiastic about constantly joining us, at the expense of her own things or even getting together with my sister. yesterday, she blew off my sister with a lie, just to come hang out with DCs and me at the tennis club. I really didn’t want to take her but felt bad. I know I will regret it all because I don’t think she’ll live much longer but I can’t take it every moment of the day, especially when I want to do stuff with my own kids. I don’t know how to handle this. My sister was super sad that my mom canceled on her, and I would have welcome the opportunity to spend time with DCs. I feel like a horrible daughter.

[Anonymous]

It seems like maybe your mom is having trouble managing a calendar and many social relationships and is most comfortable with the simplicity of just you and your presence.

You don't have to accept her cancellation. Tell her "No, mom, you are with Sister today."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like maybe your mom is having trouble managing a calendar and many social relationships and is most comfortable with the simplicity of just you and your presence.

You don't have to accept her cancellation. Tell her "No, mom, you are with Sister today."

I didn’t know about it until after the fact when my sister called my mom and I overheard the conversation at the tennis club (mom puts everything on speaker). I then called my sister and told her that I would have put my mom in an Uber to take her there, if I had known. I will just that tomorrow. Sister will be on vacation starting Wednesday for a few weeks and she wanted to see my mom before that.

[Anonymous]

You and your sister will need to coordinate your mother's day-to-day more closely. It will be useful to compare notes because she may be saying one thing to you and another thing to your sister on other issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You and your sister will need to coordinate your mother's day-to-day more closely. It will be useful to compare notes because she may be saying one thing to you and another thing to your sister on other issues.

This. You both need a shared Mom Calendar so you both know what's going on.

[Anonymous]

Is your mom a splitter? That sounds like something my mom would do but she’s nefarious

[Anonymous]

Just another thought - you have the right to be with your own kids by yourself. While your mom won't live forever, your kids only grow up this one time.

I did things to appease my mom and let her influence/control times when I wanted to just be able to focus on my own kids, and I regret that deeply. Your mom's happiness is not more important that your own or your kids. It is completely fair and appropriate to have boundaries on this.

[Anonymous]

Attachement is the root of all suffering.

[Anonymous]

Who on earth wants to hang out with their parent every single day?? I have no idea why you feel bad about this. Just stop spending so much time with her/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like maybe your mom is having trouble managing a calendar and many social relationships and is most comfortable with the simplicity of just you and your presence.

You don't have to accept her cancellation. Tell her "No, mom, you are with Sister today."

This. Keep in simple. As the dementia progress you will need to do this more and more. If she pushes and pressures you just repeat it. You don't go into long rational explanations because that will get harder for her to process. Just "no, you are scheduled to be with Jane." If she protests, you remain calm and just repeat it. Her empathy and other things will fade too most likely so you can't appeal to that either. If you feel guilty think of it this way, if you allow her to go with you, you not only get more annoyed, but you rob your sister of time with mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who on earth wants to hang out with their parent every single day?? I have no idea why you feel bad about this. Just stop spending so much time with her/

For many years, starting when the kids were young, I tried hard to find an acceptable house to get my mom to move in with us. She wanted to but only if the house was just right, like location, cost, shared spaces vs personal spaces, etc. It finally happened when the youngest was in HS and I was ecstatic to have her living with us, so was my husband. That's who on earth. You make it sound freakish, but I guess a few of us actually enjoy (actually love!) spending time with parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who on earth wants to hang out with their parent every single day?? I have no idea why you feel bad about this. Just stop spending so much time with her/

Some of us actually love -and like- our parents. The contempt I see on this board, generally, towards parents and the elderly is something I do not understand. It’s grotesque, actually. (And I’m not talking about abusive parents here. That’s an entirely different thing).

Shame on you pp.

[Anonymous]

As someone who had a life threatening chronic illness in my early 30s, I can say that you don't get to play the aging card with me. You've had a full life that you've been able to enjoy, and you are ill in your older years? That is life. I didn't get to enjoy my life to the fullest and am finally on a better health trajectory. You don't get to play suffering olympics with me right now. Youve lived your life, let me live mine

(this is for my mom who thinks that she has it sooooooo much worse than I did b/c I was young and ill).