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Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
getting something out of my head... husband related
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Anonymous
| ...if you found out that he had a menage a toi? Not recently. Not while we've been together. But years ago, with two female friends -- who are still friends of his and just both congratulated us on our baby. I just found out. ANd I just can't get visions out of my head. Obviously we all have sexual histories (or most of us do), but that's just ... so unexpected and I'm having a hard time dealing. |
Anonymous
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I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this now. Does he know that you know? Being married and having a family makes our history sometimes feel like a past life. His perspective and what's important has probably changed so much. Think of the worst thing you've ever done that you would be embarrassed of your husband knowing and think how far removed you are from that life.
This isn't the same at all, but my husband dated a friend of mine in college and I almost have to think of him as a different person any time those visions try to pop up into my head. I just compartmentalize it! |
Anonymous
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First, it's menage a trois. Sorry, I had to say that.
Second-- he clearly has chosen you over TWO women. I wouldn't waste any more mental energy on it. |
Anonymous
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Don't be rude, you know what she means. And if we're getting picky it's a menage et trois.
It's easy to say get over it, and to know that's rationally what you should do, but another thing altogether to actually get it out of your head. |
Anonymous
No it is not. It is "a" with an accent. |
Anonymous
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Eek. That's imagery you didn't need. I tend to think that while it's good to be open with your spouse, there is such a thing as too open. If I were to tell a spouse about my past, I'd probably be a little vague. Like he might know if I'd had a threesome, but I wouldn't tell him with who I had it.
It's funny, I have a male friend I dated many, many years ago. We had sort of a threesome years ago with another male friend. (I say "sort of" because there didn't end up being any sex. I chickened out and we all went to sleep.) A few years later when he met his now wife, we "put it in the vault" and agreed never to speak of it again. Now I'm friends with both him and his wife - AND the other guy - on Facebook. (and in real life.) I assume the wife has no idea this ever happened, and I sure as hell would never say a word. I sincerely like his wife; as far as i'm concerned, everything the friend and I did is yesterday's news. I think there's stuff you do when you're young that you're content trying once or twice and then checking it off the list and moving on with your life. I know that when I was younger, I was a lot crazier (and drunker) than I am now. Chances are your husband is the same way. Try not to dwell on it - it's part of his history, not his present or future, just like any of his more conventional experiences with exes in his past. Same as with your past. 
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Anonymous
| At least it's part of his past. It would be worse if your husband was telling you how much he wants to bang your friend and begs you to organize a threesome for him. I know it's hard to get it out of your head, but like a previous poster said, he chose you over TWO other women. You are obviously awesome. |
Anonymous
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Thank you so much for the kind words - and stories. I half wonder if I'd be responding so strongly if I didn't have all these extra pounds and a big ol' pregnant belly. But... oy. Yeah.
Thank you so much, again. Trying to put it out of my mind... |
Anonymous
| Hmm. Sorry, that can't be easy to hear, especially when you're dealing with preggo hormones. Frankly, it wouldn't bother me at all if the 2 women weren't still in his life and close friends. More power to him if he had an exciting life before me! Plus, it would make me feel like we both had been there, done that (as I certainly have!). But, the fact that you know the 2 women, and that they are still his close friends, and in communication with him, well, that definitely is awkward, and I don't blame you for feeling peeved or skeeved by it. I would definite ask my DH to actively limit or eliminate his communication with them (an email every now and then, whatever, fine; but no hanging out), for comfort's sake; in fact, my DH and I have both done that of our own accord, with all friends with whom we had a "past", out of respect for each other. I think it would be a totally reasonable request for you to make, if your DH doesn't offer to do so on his own. I hope your DH would/will, too. |
Anonymous
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Do you have any friends now that you have a sexual history with?
If not then MAYBE you can be bothered by this fact. If you do then you have no right to hold any ill feeling due to insecurity problems. Also, it is apparent that you have accepted these friends if they are congratulating you on your baby. |
Anonymous
| Ménage à trois.... here's the correct spelling, trust me, French is my first language |
Anonymous
I didn't write this for the OP, but for the PP who try to correct her spelling but doesn't have a clue... |
Anonymous
oops.... "who tried"... sorry, I am tired... |
Anonymous
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Oh yikes. I think you are normal to be a little skeeved out by that! But history is history, and certainly there must be things in your sexual past that he feels insecure about.
I would honestly just stew (privately) over it for a few days and then let it go. Trying to let it go before you're ready means that it will linger. |
Anonymous
| I understand why it freaks you out but look at it this way....at least he's gotten that out of his system. There are a lot of guys (and gals) who fantasize about threesomes but never had one before they are married and now regret it. Not that I have a problem with married people who have threesomes (to each their own) but it doesnt sound like its for you so at least he's already gotten it out of the way! |