Am I masking adult ADHD or is this just how everyone feels?

[Anonymous]

I started looking into ADHD behaviors because my son is exhibiting some typical ones and learned that it runs in families. My sibling definitely has the typical boy ADHD behaviors, but my parents never had him diagnosed. I am starting to wonder based on some reading if my mom might also exhibit these behaviors.

I also started thinking about my own struggles with mental illness and inner challenges through life, though I never connected with typical ADHD symptoms in terms of outward behavior. I am reading about masking behaviors and literally every quiz and every description I read I am doing every single one of these. I just thought that was typical though? Don’t we all have to reign in our true selves a but to function in society?

But perhaps I’m wrong! When you read these masking behaviors, do you say “yes!” To every one? Interested in discussing what that means that I do.

[Anonymous]

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-adhd-masking-5200863

[Anonymous]

My son and I have a profile with inattentive ADHD and low processing speed. Mine is quite mild and generally invisible to outsiders, his is much more severe: he needed an IEP in school. We both have working memory issues, we procrastinate terribly, have difficulties with multitasking, and we're a bit slow... my son is VERY slow.

And then my husband and my daughter have mixed type ADHD (hyperactive and inattentive). They have an impatience/anger component to their symptoms which my son and I don't have (we're the chillest, most daydreaming people).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son and I have a profile with inattentive ADHD and low processing speed. Mine is quite mild and generally invisible to outsiders, his is much more severe: he needed an IEP in school. We both have working memory issues, we procrastinate terribly, have difficulties with multitasking, and we're a bit slow... my son is VERY slow.

And then my husband and my daughter have mixed type ADHD (hyperactive and inattentive). They have an impatience/anger component to their symptoms which my son and I don't have (we're the chillest, most daydreaming people).

OP here. Thank you for this. You just described my son and me to a T - chill, daydreamy, procrastinating, slow, difficulty with memory. I really have spent my whole life thinking that was just “me” and had no idea that was neurodivergent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son and I have a profile with inattentive ADHD and low processing speed. Mine is quite mild and generally invisible to outsiders, his is much more severe: he needed an IEP in school. We both have working memory issues, we procrastinate terribly, have difficulties with multitasking, and we're a bit slow... my son is VERY slow.

And then my husband and my daughter have mixed type ADHD (hyperactive and inattentive). They have an impatience/anger component to their symptoms which my son and I don't have (we're the chillest, most daydreaming people).

OP here. Thank you for this. You just described my son and me to a T - chill, daydreamy, procrastinating, slow, difficulty with memory. I really have spent my whole life thinking that was just “me” and had no idea that was neurodivergent.

NP. I agree with your last sentence. As DS and then DD were diagnosed, DH and I looked at our families, with a family history of diagnosed and undiagnosed ADHD on his side and diagnosed and undiagnosed ASD on my side, and we saw ourselves. But I think we fall on the wrong (or right?) side of the line, while DS and DD fall on the other. DH and I are only quirky, our kids are fully ND. Maybe DH or I could get a diagnosis now as an adult but I don't see any value in it. Ymmv

[Anonymous]

I read this because one of my in-laws is someone I would love to see get help for what I think is undiagnosed ADHD. It describes her a lot and does not describe me. So answer your question, does everyone do this? I would say no. While I related to some things on the list, I Wouldn’t say that I try to mimic others to avoid appearing different or don’t show that I’m upset because I don’t want people to know that I’m struggling. Just two examples, but hoping that gives you some perspective….and that you get some help and relief if you want it!

[Anonymous]

Interesting - I have wondered if I had ADHD after seeing my daughter get diagnosed, since I was always messy/blurting things out/disorganized in school (despite getting good grades) and had social struggles. I do all of the things in your link except the "perfectionist tendencies." I also just assumed they were normal.

Sometimes when I am feeling down, DH will suggest that I meet a friend for coffee, and he doesn't understand when I tell him that it will be too stressful. But then I have to worry if what I order will be weird, if what Isay will be weird, if I will inadvertently do something weird - I have to be in a good head space before I can handle social interactions, since I have to work so hard to be "on."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting - I have wondered if I had ADHD after seeing my daughter get diagnosed, since I was always messy/blurting things out/disorganized in school (despite getting good grades) and had social struggles. I do all of the things in your link except the "perfectionist tendencies." I also just assumed they were normal.

Sometimes when I am feeling down, DH will suggest that I meet a friend for coffee, and he doesn't understand when I tell him that it will be too stressful. But then I have to worry if what I order will be weird, if what Isay will be weird, if I will inadvertently do something weird - I have to be in a good head space before I can handle social interactions, since I have to work so hard to be "on."

OP again. Me too! I always described this as me being introverted and again, just “me” but it’s been a life long struggle. College was a disaster because you always have to be “on” with a roommate, etc. I enjoy social activities but they are exhausting for exactly the reasons you describe.

[Anonymous]

So all this comes back to the initial question - is this just my personality or am I “neurodivergent” in some way that makes things more challenging for me. I guess if I am just “quirky” and have found ways of coping by my age, then it is what it is. But if my kid is dealing with the same challenges I have had, I would rather them not struggle for 40 years ya know?

[Anonymous]

A neurodevelopmental disorder has to actually clinically impact you. So if you’ve been reasonably successful at school and work, that’s not “masking” - that means you just have normal human struggles. Adult ADHD certainly exists but it’s not “masked.” You see it in people who are always on the edge of getting fired, maybe flunked out of college one or more times, cannot run their personal lives at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So all this comes back to the initial question - is this just my personality or am I “neurodivergent” in some way that makes things more challenging for me. I guess if I am just “quirky” and have found ways of coping by my age, then it is what it is. But if my kid is dealing with the same challenges I have had, I would rather them not struggle for 40 years ya know?

well everyone wants to claim they and their high achieving kid going to a top college is neurodivergent these days, so I don’t see any reason why you shouldn’t.

[Anonymous]

Yup, I was a high IQ “gifted” girl who was spacey and had trouble focusing. Did well in HS and okay in college, but have definitely not met my “potential” as an adult. Got diagnosed/medicated a few years ago and there’s definitely a difference in my ability. I wish my parents had figured this out when I was young!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So all this comes back to the initial question - is this just my personality or am I “neurodivergent” in some way that makes things more challenging for me. I guess if I am just “quirky” and have found ways of coping by my age, then it is what it is. But if my kid is dealing with the same challenges I have had, I would rather them not struggle for 40 years ya know?

I think this depends on how you expect a diagnosis to help. There are things you can do to help with executive function; there are school accommodations that can help (or roll with) inattention or fixation. In some cases medication might be indicated. But there's not anything that's going to change the societal expectation that you sometimes hide your feelings, or sometimes do stuff that you'd rather put off: everybody is expected to do that to spme extent. You'd seek help and/or diagnosis if your having to do those things caused you real mental distress.

FWIW, I have some ADD traits, and I had more when I was a kid. I don't think I have ADD. I think I was severely bullied as a kid (anxiety and OCD behaviors then, that I've outgrown) and that I'm an introvert trying to do more things in this modern world than is really ideal for me.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Me too! I always described this as me being introverted and again, just “me” but it’s been a life long struggle. College was a disaster because you always have to be “on” with a roommate, etc. I enjoy social activities but they are exhausting for exactly the reasons you describe.

Yes! I call myself an introvert but I don't think that actually captures it - I would love to have more friends and more social interactions. I actually prefer hosting, even though there is a lot more planning involved (but I know my way around a list lol), because I have an easy out whenever I need it - I can go get ice, or get the kids something, or refill drinks, etc.

Ooh boy - and the post about not meeting potential! I am in a deadend, lowpaying job and just doing mediocre at that. Sometimes I want to yell out, hey, I got a 170 on my LSAT! I am trying to really encourage my kids to find things that are meaningful to them, rather than have their identities wrapped up in doing well in school, since that won't necessarily translate to a career.

[Anonymous]

^ Sorry about the formatting- I am responding to OP