Zero Tolerance Bullying

[Anonymous]

Moving to the area soon and starting to look into schools for two lower school kids. What are some schools that really don’t allow bullying, especially for girls? Like if a donor kid did something awful, they’d be reprimanded too. In our current city, privates have a mix of approaches to bullying. Some have awful reputations about mean girls and some have a zero tolerance reputation. Curious if any no tolerance options in the DC area.

[Anonymous]

"Zero tolerance" is really a fad of the past, I think. Because what does it mean, when you think about it? It means expelling kids. Maybe yours, if there's a situation with ambiguity but the school decides to interpret it a certain way. Reprimanding kids is not what "zero tolerance" means.

I also wouldn't believe a school that claimed to have no bullying. It's unrealistic.

[Anonymous]

The only schools willing to alienate donor families are the schools with large endowments...

[Anonymous]

NOT Lowell

[Anonymous]

Biggest bully DC had, the parent was convinced bully was the one being bullied. Schools can’t expel what they don’t know for sure. Some schools make a point of trying to watch for behavior they’ve been told about while others turn a blind eye. The latter is about the best a parent can hope for.

[Anonymous]

+1
exactly, "zero tolerance policies" are tools of the bullies and their parents to double-bully the kids who are on the outside of the social circle. Be leery of schools that have a "Code of Character" comprised of vague platitudes like "thou shall not offend or cause pain to anyone in the community." Kid A will hound kid B for months until kid B loses his cool and says or does something regrettable, and then kid B's parents will be in the head of school's office playing defense and begging not to get kicked out, while Kid A and his friends are laughing their butts off, and Kid A's parents are at the country club, virtue signaling about how great he/she is doing at St. Albans, NCS, Landon, Prep, etc. And the nicer and more expensive the school, the more donor families there are and the more common this cycle.
If you have concerns about bullying and you do not think that your son/daughter will play the bully/victim game effectively, do not go near a prestigious, expensive DC private school. And run away extra fast if they talk about Code of Character and similar policies.

[Anonymous]

+1

[Anonymous]

You aren't going to find a school that is truly zero tolerance and frankly, that is probably not realistic. All kids, at one point or another, do something nasty. For me, what I expect from the school is to hold all the kids accountable and teach them how to treat each other.

Now obviously there are degrees of bullying that should cause a child to be removed (like perhaps physical violence), but expelling kids for a nasty comment is probably a bit excessive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You aren't going to find a school that is truly zero tolerance and frankly, that is probably not realistic. All kids, at one point or another, do something nasty. For me, what I expect from the school is to hold all the kids accountable and teach them how to treat each other.

Now obviously there are degrees of bullying that should cause a child to be removed (like perhaps physical violence), but expelling kids for a nasty comment is probably a bit excessive.

NP. Part of the problem is that many people don't really understand what "bullying" is. It's not one comment or one unkind gesture, it's a pattern of repeated behavior intended to harm perpetrated by someone with more "power", real or perceived. So a friend group not wanting to include a new kid in their parties and hang outs is not "bullying", nor is a loner kid finally fighting back "bullying".

I would look for a school that seems to have had some actual education around bullying and prevention, not just a few platitudes on their website.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You aren't going to find a school that is truly zero tolerance and frankly, that is probably not realistic. All kids, at one point or another, do something nasty. For me, what I expect from the school is to hold all the kids accountable and teach them how to treat each other.

Now obviously there are degrees of bullying that should cause a child to be removed (like perhaps physical violence), but expelling kids for a nasty comment is probably a bit excessive.

This. Zero tolerance means that if your own kid does something really stupid, they can be expelled. It doesn't sound as appealing when you think of that angle, does it?

[Anonymous]

What’s a donor kid?

Also, zero tolerance anything is almost always a bad idea with unintended consequences.

[Anonymous]

Bullying can only be detected and contained in very small school environments where students are directly or indirectly supervised by staff virtually the whole day. Even then, social media bullying can only be acted on if the school hears about it.

In a school with hundreds of students, the policy is one thing, but the reality may differ.

[Anonymous]

The parent community is also extremely important in terms of bullying (and behavior in general). It's hard for the school to make progress with a kid who is being unkind or otherwise misbehaving if whenever they call home the parents make excuses for their kid's behavior or blame others rather than supporting any school consequences, and having conversations with their child and, as appropriate, consequences at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Biggest bully DC had, the parent was convinced bully was the one being bullied. Schools can’t expel what they don’t know for sure. Some schools make a point of trying to watch for behavior they’ve been told about while others turn a blind eye. The latter is about the best a parent can hope for.

+1 I would love to read a book about the disconnect where some people believe their kids are being bullied because the kids they keep pinching/shouting at/shoving (and in our case, literally strangling!) prefer to avoid them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You aren't going to find a school that is truly zero tolerance and frankly, that is probably not realistic. All kids, at one point or another, do something nasty. For me, what I expect from the school is to hold all the kids accountable and teach them how to treat each other.

Now obviously there are degrees of bullying that should cause a child to be removed (like perhaps physical violence), but expelling kids for a nasty comment is probably a bit excessive.

NP. Part of the problem is that many people don't really understand what "bullying" is. It's not one comment or one unkind gesture, it's a pattern of repeated behavior intended to harm perpetrated by someone with more "power", real or perceived. So a friend group not wanting to include a new kid in their parties and hang outs is not "bullying", nor is a loner kid finally fighting back "bullying".

I would look for a school that seems to have had some actual education around bullying and prevention, not just a few platitudes on their website.

But part of the problem is determining where you draw the line. When does it become "bullying" and will that be equitable across each kid? Even if you do understand what Bullying is, it's often not as obvious as people think it is. It's more insidious and not something that is easy to just say, "oh - that kid is bullying...he's out."