Tell me your stories of setting

[Anonymous]

Did you ever settle and marry someone? How did it turn out?

[Anonymous]

Yes. Thought he was kind and loving. Mask came off after kids were about 5 years old. We are no longer together, but coparenting is hell. Emotional abuse.

[Anonymous]

Currently wondering if I settled and my spouse and I are no longer a good match. It is not great.

[Anonymous]

Define settling? Perfect doesn’t exist.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I had broken up with someone who, at the time of age 26, I thought was the only person I’d ever love again. So when he asked me out I figured if I wasn’t going to be with that other person I might as well settle. Well many years and children later, it was always rough, many attempts at couples counseling, we are separated and going through a rough divorce, he was always a jerk and I guess I hadn’t cared enough at the time to hope for better and over time it became emotional and financial abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Define settling? Perfect doesn’t exist.

DP. Of course perfect doesn't exist. But the perfect one for you will likely have some characteristics that would be a negative for someone else but that are at least neutral or maybe even a plus for you. A lid for every pot. Then you add the rose-colored glasses of love, and that gives things an overall smoothing over. This is not settling.

Settling, I think, is more opportunistic (not necessarily maliciously so but giving up some characteristic about the person because the relationship can fulfill a goal) and in the mind. You know the lid doesn't fit the pot, but you push forward anyway.

[Anonymous]

My mom settled. She said she always knew my dad was selfish and had a bad temper, but she considered old to still be single back in her day, and he was going places and would get the both of them out of their developing country. Now they're both selfish and bad tempered. We're pretty sure he cheated on her several years ago. They live in a nice neighborhood and have multiple rental properties so there is that.

[Anonymous]

Divorced after three years. Do NOT do it.

Have kids on your own if you want to be a parent. The worst thing to do is settle for purpose if children. Then you are tied to that person for the rest of your life.

Marriage is truly not the be all end all and I hope young women today know that. The societal pressure of the past was devastating to so many people.

[Anonymous]

No, I did the opposite; i didn’t marry my long term boyfriend despite being 31 when we broke up. It was a very very difficult decision but I just had a niggling feeling that something was off and that I shouldn’t have kids with him. During a very protracted breakup, he showed his true colors.

A few years later, I met DH and I can’t tell you how much happier, more content and just “right” I feel. DH isn’t perfect and neither am I, but we work well as a team and just operate on the same frequency.

Do not settle.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I didn't think I deserved better. He wasn't abusive or an addict or anything but we were a bad match. Luckily I saw it before we had kids and I left. Now I'm married to my perfect partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I did the opposite; i didn’t marry my long term boyfriend despite being 31 when we broke up. It was a very very difficult decision but I just had a niggling feeling that something was off and that I shouldn’t have kids with him. During a very protracted breakup, he showed his true colors.

A few years later, I met DH and I can’t tell you how much happier, more content and just “right” I feel. DH isn’t perfect and neither am I, but we work well as a team and just operate on the same frequency.

Do not settle.

Almost identical story. I broke up with my long term boyfriend because it just wasn't right (looking back I see that he had issues from his family of origin that weren't addressed). Everyone thought I was insane for not marrying him.

I didn't settle and my DH is absolutely perfect for me.

Don't settle! However, if you're looking for finance, trust fund, 6'5, blue eyes- you have an expectations issue.

[Anonymous]

I know my wife's friends well enough to know that my wife has said that, at the time, she settled for me. We met in our mid 30s and were in the shared mind of getting married, having kids and all that, so we got married. I wasn't the best looking fork in the drawer and was never going to make much money (both true, as it turned out) but I was a nice guy and kind of funny.

It was probably about a decade into it when I think she really came around to being happy that she chose me.

[Anonymous]

Met a nice girl in our late 20s, got married. Two kids. She's great and nice. But it wasn't until I turned 35 that I realized how I could've been sleeping with all the hot 20-somethings who ignored me in my 20s but wanted a successful older (but not creepy older) man.

Could've played the field for awhile, and then when I was my current age (early 40s) picked one of the hotties about to enter her 30s, married her and had the same nice wife, nice kids, nice life now... Feel like I thought "well this is what's going to happen, so let's do it now" without realizing how much game there was left to play.

[Anonymous]

Got oopsed into a kid and chose marriage. I don't regret the kid, but I settled for their other parent, who ended up barely being a co-parent, and is abusive to me.

We're separated now. I resent the whole situation, except my kid. Kid's incredible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Define settling? Perfect doesn’t exist.

DP. Of course perfect doesn't exist. But the perfect one for you will likely have some characteristics that would be a negative for someone else but that are at least neutral or maybe even a plus for you. A lid for every pot. Then you add the rose-colored glasses of love, and that gives things an overall smoothing over. This is not settling.

Settling, I think, is more opportunistic (not necessarily maliciously so but giving up some characteristic about the person because the relationship can fulfill a goal) and in the mind. You know the lid doesn't fit the pot, but you push forward anyway.

Ohhh great analogy.