Would you be mad/irritated if your spouse did this?

[Anonymous]

Went over to his friends’ house at 11PMish at night because something was broken. It was not an emergency situation, just typical deferred maintenance stuff on an old house.

Meanwhile we have a handful of things that need attention in our own house. We handle things as they go, calling contractors and the like of course.

I should add that DH has been super busy with work lately, such that I’ve been doing the brunt of housework, making sure to be around when contractors are coming, etc.

[Anonymous]

Did the friend ask for help or did your dh just decide to go over? Is the friend female?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did the friend ask for help or did your dh just decide to go over? Is the friend female?

Friend asked. It’s a couple / family.

[Anonymous]

Maybe a little but honestly my DH could use more friends so I would view it as social time for him. You should get some social time too though.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I think I would be. 11pm is unnecessary, especially for a non-emergency task.

I dealt with this with my DH doing house projects at ILs house, but leaving our place in complete disarray. I told him he needs to literally get his house in order before he starts worrying about anyone elses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did the friend ask for help or did your dh just decide to go over? Is the friend female?

Friend asked. It’s a couple / family.

In that case, yes, I’d be irritated that night, for the reasons you laid out in your OP, but I wouldn’t hold on to any residual anger unless this happens regularly. As a one time thing isn’t worth holding a grudge over.

[Anonymous]

100% he didn't go to fix anything. He went to hang out with his buddy but didn't want to tell you since he knew you'd flip out.

[Anonymous]

Mad, no; irritated, yeah probably, if it was not an emergency. But there are a lot of people who will do for friends or extended family what they put off and put off in their own homes. That doesn't make it right or sensible, but it's a reality. Irksome. But do you and he have a clear and written schedule of the maintenance you both want dont on your home? If you don't, then do that now. If you've been hoping he'd just notice things, well, stop the hoping. Tell him that the friend's deferred maintenance made you see that you both need to get your act together re: your own home. Be concrete and specific, as in, "This Saturday we'll hang the blinds that have been sitting in the garage, get it done by 2, then take the kids to..." or whatever. If you can do it together when the kids are out at activities, or if they're young, if you can get someone to watch them, that's even better.

The larger issue is that you're resenting his not being much help with kids or the house lately. And that's totally understandable frustration. But do not let it fester and spill into everything else in life or this will balloon. Make a list, schedule the tasks with him, talk it up as making everyone's lives easier. I'd avoid a "honey do" list, though; be sure you both have roles -- which could include his doing stuff with/for the kids while you tackle a maintenance chore.

[Anonymous]

Nah

[Anonymous]

Definitely not.

[Anonymous]

Playing video games and drinking beers.

[Anonymous]

11pm? Who does that?!?!

Strange, I would tell him not to make this a regular thing.

[Anonymous]

If I were the friend's wife I'd be annoyed. Because she was probably already in bed. Who wants a stranger/friend/acquaintance over when you are in PJs?

But if my DH stepped out at 11PM? I'd just go to sleep.

[Anonymous]

Does your spouse do this often?
Does the couple in question ask him for help often?

If the answer to both questions is no, then no, I woudn't be mad. For someone who doesn't usually ask to reach out for help so late, I would think either it was very important to them or there was some circumstance that made it very important (non-functioning AC on a hot night with a baby in the house).

And it seems clear you two have other issues going on, with feeling like the burden of responsibilities is unequally shared. When that's going on, things that would not otherwise be bothersome are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:11pm? Who does that?!?!

Strange, I would tell him not to make this a regular thing.

I personally would prefer 11pm - especially since I’m in bed and would not infringe on our family time.

I actually admire my DH for going above and beyond for others. He is the type who hates manual labor so would pay someone to change a light bulb if he could; but he would also inconvenience himself to help someone else.