How would you handle this with aging parents?

[Anonymous]

My parents are having a harder and harder time completing once-easy tasks. Things like taking the garbage cans down to the road/back up the driveway. In this example, they live on a hill, their driveway is long and at a slight incline. One of these days they are going to fall dragging the cans back and forth. I live 45 minutes away, and I simply can’t make this three hour round trip drive every week just to do this. But, they won’t hire anyone to help with this. They won’t allow ME to hire anyone to help with this. They insist on dragging the heavy can down the driveway and back up again. I suggested they leave the can down at the bottom of the property; there is a spot that they can leave it where it’s unobscured, and they could then perhaps DRIVE smaller bags of garbage to it when necessary. Absolutely not.


It’s other things too. My parents have a (to them) large landscaping project they’ve been working on, spreading mulch. Instead of hiring someone to do it quickly, they’ve been dragging bags of mulch into their car, all around their yard, and killing themselves in the process. They complain about being tired and sore. I point blank told my mom that they can’t take it with them when they die, and she said she knows, and that was that.

What is a child to do?

[Anonymous]

You go do the mulch one weekend with your husband. Keep in mind that your parents need to do things to keep busy, feel productive, have structure in their days/weeks, etc.

If they fall, are you going to then have to go live with them while they recuperate or have them come live with you to do that? Maybe it's time for them to downsize - have you had that talk with them yet?

[Anonymous]

Hopefully they both don’t take the trash down the driveway. That way the other can call for help. But I think you are underestimating them. You didn’t mention age but it’s normal to be tired carrying mulch and doing yard work. Physical work is good for people of all ages as long as it isn’t overdone.

[Anonymous]

For folks unwilling to change their behavior or accept help you do nothing and let them live their lives. And yes, you’ll have to deal with the consequences if and when they fall.

[Anonymous]

1. There is immense physical and psychological value to muscular work, OP. It keeps them fit and makes them work on their balance. If they fall, they fall. It's only when they break their hip and suffer in the hospital that they will reluctantly modify their way of life.

2. Elderly people in decline lose their executive functioning skills and don't know how to scaffold tasks anymore - scaffold meaning either extending or reducing the operational and logistical aspect of their tasks. All they can do is continue as before until something bad happens. There are situations where you can wheedle and cajole, and there are times when you lie, say you're going for a drive, and end up leaving them in a nursing home (your parents aren't there yet).


It will happen to you too, OP. None of us are immune. It's the rare person who can see their forthcoming decline and take the right steps.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like they are doing just fine. People typically fall IN their homes (nighttime bathroom runs are the main culprit). There is no way you can mitigate all their risks. You are simply focusing on the ones you find risky.

[Anonymous]

This years mulch is a losing battle. Next year give them a landscaping package for Christmas. That’s what I did for my parents with their pool. They were killing themselves to open and close it and wouldn’t hire someone. So I gave it to them for Christmas. It’s a combo of being a generation that won’t pay to outsource and some delusion over how well they were doing it. A gift made it ok somehow. And now they keep letting someone do it

[Anonymous]

Eventually I just hired someone to come to my Dad’s home three times a week to do his laundry and make him lunch. I said , “Dad, this is my gift to myself because I feel bad that I’m not there to help you as I’d like.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You go do the mulch one weekend with your husband. Keep in mind that your parents need to do things to keep busy, feel productive, have structure in their days/weeks, etc.

If they fall, are you going to then have to go live with them while they recuperate or have them come live with you to do that? Maybe it's time for them to downsize - have you had that talk with them yet?

No! You spend your weekend with your spouse and your kids. If your parents insist on spreading their own mulch then guess what? They should spread their own mulch! Don’t let their stubbornness ruin your weekends!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You go do the mulch one weekend with your husband. Keep in mind that your parents need to do things to keep busy, feel productive, have structure in their days/weeks, etc.

If they fall, are you going to then have to go live with them while they recuperate or have them come live with you to do that? Maybe it's time for them to downsize - have you had that talk with them yet?

No! You spend your weekend with your spouse and your kids. If your parents insist on spreading their own mulch then guess what? They should spread their own mulch! Don’t let their stubbornness ruin your weekends!

Exactly. Adult children should not be slaves to their elderly parents' whims. When they fall and break something, off to hospital they go. Lesson not learned? Another hospital stay. And then you don't sign the paperwork to transport them back home, so the hospital has to find a suitable group home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For folks unwilling to change their behavior or accept help you do nothing and let them live their lives. And yes, you’ll have to deal with the consequences if and when they fall.

+1
I've offered help, money, done research on independent apartments, and more...plus my parents want to move and want to downsize from their house. Yet, like another PP mentioned, their executive functioning skills have deteriorated and I've realized no change will happen until I do EVERYTHING. And I just cannot take that on right now (they are 5-5 hours away), I'm an only, with serious stuff going on in my own nuclear family.

I will say that something small can happen. For years I offered to pay for/set up landscaping help. It wasn't until the riding mower broke and my mobility-challenged dad had trouble returning to the house that they finally found someone themselves to do landscaping this year. And they are happy about it! They tell me about this guy's shiny mower and how fast it is and everything. But they did take some initiative once they had no other choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For folks unwilling to change their behavior or accept help you do nothing and let them live their lives. And yes, you’ll have to deal with the consequences if and when they fall.

Yes this is where I am too. I also have let go of the emotional stress and anxiety around it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For folks unwilling to change their behavior or accept help you do nothing and let them live their lives. And yes, you’ll have to deal with the consequences if and when they fall.

Um no, they will need to deal with the consequences. If you are going to forego an offer of assistance because you don’t like the type of assistance then you are on your own. You don’t get to dictate how someone helps you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You go do the mulch one weekend with your husband. Keep in mind that your parents need to do things to keep busy, feel productive, have structure in their days/weeks, etc.

If they fall, are you going to then have to go live with them while they recuperate or have them come live with you to do that? Maybe it's time for them to downsize - have you had that talk with them yet?

No! You spend your weekend with your spouse and your kids. If your parents insist on spreading their own mulch then guess what? They should spread their own mulch! Don’t let their stubbornness ruin your weekends!

Exactly. Adult children should not be slaves to their elderly parents' whims. When they fall and break something, off to hospital they go. Lesson not learned? Another hospital stay. And then you don't sign the paperwork to transport them back home, so the hospital has to find a suitable group home.

Damn, I thought I was cold but this is a bit much. I see nothing wrong with piling the kids in the car and the whole family going to visit Grandma and Grandpa. The kids can play with G&G, and the parents can do the mulch.

[Anonymous]

I would do one these since I am in a similar situation with stubborn parents who are not local

1. Let it go because you won’t convince them otherwise.
2. If it’s a deal safety concern, find a kid on Nextdoor to do it. Do not tell your parents you are paying them. Tell your parents they are helping the neighbor because he gets volunteer hours for scouts or school. Yes, I’d lie.