Help for feelings of hopelessness

[Anonymous]

I help care for an elderly family member with no immediate family of her own. She has always been a positive person who contributes to her community with many friends and a part of many organizations. In the last 6 months her health and mobility have declined significantly and she has moved to assisted living. She called me tonight sobbing that her life if hopeless and she is no use to anyone, while she could identify some bright spots to her days, overall she is grieving the life she has had before and feeling little purpose. She has a degenerative condition and has been slowly coming to terms with it. Typically is very pragmatic and willing to work hard in PT, OT, and speech therapy -- but it seems to be becoming more and more work for her and I think she's tired of trying so hard. She says, what's the point? I can't walk or move independently or do anything interesting. She feels she is a bother and doesn't have much to look forward to.

Just looking for suggestions how to respond to these feelings and process them with her. I think she needs permission to be sad/angry and verbalize these feelings and I try to provide an empathic ear. But when she gets really down, any suggestions for validating her feelings and trying to give her hope/encouragement to enjoy what she does have?

Also looking for help processing this for myself. We are fairly close and I'm grieving the loss of her independence, company and companionship. Many of our conversations and visits focus on taking care of her needs, scheduling or getting to appointments and so forth. I work full time and have a family of my own as well, so there is not a lot of extra time.

[Anonymous]

OP - Would your friend consider getting a medication evaluation with her doctor to help deal with her anxiety or depression due to her aging related issues. Has she been encouraged to participate in activities where she is? If she has interests could she remain connected by getting newsletters from the group - possibly making calls for them or using the computer to be in touch with other likeminded folks on a topic.
If she had an iPad or tablet, perhaps you could help her find free online programs or classes of interest. Would she be up to learn Spanish
Which has many free simple websites to keep her mind sharp?

[Anonymous]

I always think when I'm really old I will volunteer through the Internet.

There are some online programs where you can read to kids. You can write to politicians and share your ideas. If you have some money, you can look for little donation opportunities that you think would be useful (Donors Choose website). There may be some volunteering possible within the facility.

If she knows some family history or has family photographs to index, maybe have her work on writing down what she knows. Or documenting family recipes?

Is there any chance she did enough volunteering that you can get an organization to send her an award?

How about seeing if you can get a birthday card from the White House?

Does she have a favorite celebrity? Any chance of taking in a concert or movie featuring that person?

[Anonymous]

She made a recent move. She should be meeting people. She is surrounding my people who understand. She has so much in common with them, phase of life, memories of decades past. If she's socially engaged, she will be happier. And perhaps she can be helpful to some. I'd use any of your energy to involve her in her assisted living community.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes retirement homes develop partnerships with youth where the elderly can help teach reading?

[Anonymous]

There's always someone who could be helped by having a door opened for them, having a conversation with them, sharing a meal, including them in a card game.

[Anonymous]

This is OP- thanks for the suggestions. She is very involved in her assisted living community and participates in at least one activity with others daily, she also has friends nearby and has visitors frequently. But when she gets down she says she feels like a burden to others and like she has nothing to contribute.
She works really hard at being positive 85% of the time- but says sometimes she just needs to be honest and say how hard it is and how frustrating it is not to be able to walk, eat or dress w/o help. She has tremors and writing or using technology has also become difficult.

Im more looking for suggestions on processing these feelings with her. She has been diagnosed with mild depression and is taking medication, her Dr updated her dosage this week so that may help some.

[Anonymous]

I come from a family of complainers. Maybe it is enough just to listen.

Maybe you can find something in here that validates the right to feel and express negativity.

https://www.amazon.com/Bright-sided-Positive-Thinking-Undermining-America/dp/0312658850

Or you could research and reflect on what various cultures expect of old age and gather some points to make. Maybe the Hindu 4 stages of life?

I'm sure there is much collective global humane wisdom about aging out there, I'm just not familiar with specific helpful sources that would give you words of comfort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I help care for an elderly family member with no immediate family of her own. She has always been a positive person who contributes to her community with many friends and a part of many organizations. In the last 6 months her health and mobility have declined significantly and she has moved to assisted living. She called me tonight sobbing that her life if hopeless and she is no use to anyone, while she could identify some bright spots to her days, overall she is grieving the life she has had before and feeling little purpose. She has a degenerative condition and has been slowly coming to terms with it. Typically is very pragmatic and willing to work hard in PT, OT, and speech therapy -- but it seems to be becoming more and more work for her and I think she's tired of trying so hard. She says, what's the point? I can't walk or move independently or do anything interesting. She feels she is a bother and doesn't have much to look forward to.

Just looking for suggestions how to respond to these feelings and process them with her. I think she needs permission to be sad/angry and verbalize these feelings and I try to provide an empathic ear. But when she gets really down, any suggestions for validating her feelings and trying to give her hope/encouragement to enjoy what she does have?

Also looking for help processing this for myself. We are fairly close and I'm grieving the loss of her independence, company and companionship. Many of our conversations and visits focus on taking care of her needs, scheduling or getting to appointments and so forth. I work full time and have a family of my own as well, so there is not a lot of extra time.

This sounds exactly like my mom. I am caring for her. I have contacted the community manager where she lives to request a visit from a licensed therapist who specializes in elderly patients. My moms been voicing concerns about no longer having a “purpose”
and instead of being a caregiver herself for others, she is now being cared for, and it’s a lot for her to accept. She also has, candidly, a lot of ego issues, it’s hard for her to acknowledge getting to her late 70s. She won’t even look in a mirror. She avoids looking at herself. She is feeling depressed.
It’s a bit scary hearing her say things like she’s a burden and hearing her say very negative things about wishing for her expiration date. Candidly it scares me.

[Anonymous]

Might she still be able to lead a book group or discussion group in the community? It really sounds like she is well-supported - her depression is being addressed, she participates in exercise and activities, she has friends and visitors, etc. - I don’t know that there is anything else to be done but give her a listening ear to vent and release those painful emotions, which are natural and normal with a recent loss of functionality and independence.

Does she have a good sense of humor? Perhaps taking the time to chat about other things outside her immediate health and needs, to laugh and reminisce…

[Anonymous]

It's where a person has not come to terms with their mortality. It's normal to be of "no use" at the end of your life. But she has to come to see that herself, it's a mental journey, perhaps a therapist specializing in elderly as PP has suggested would help.