Overwhelmed by trustee duties - please help!

[Anonymous]

My husband is the administrator of a trust his dad set up to benefit his mom before he died five years ago. Until last year, his mom was able to participate in decision making, gather materials for her taxes, talk with banks and service providers, and reset her passwords. She had a major stroke last fall and is now severely impaired. My husband is her POA and is trying to keep everything together, manage her medical and emotional needs, manage her household, and handle her financial affairs. But he has a pretty big job and a family who need him too. His health has suffered, he worries about his job performance, his friendships have dwindled, and he feels he's doing a bad job managing the financial aspects of her life (taxes, stock performance, retirement distributions, etc.). He feels guilty, overwhelmed, and depressed.

Basically, he's drowning, and I'd like to help him offload some of this crushing responsibility. But my capacity is finite too and I'm wondering if there are professionals who can help with the administrative functions of administering the trust. He has an accountant to file her taxes, but he's often late filing because he can't find the paperwork he needs - it was mailed to the wrong address and thrown away, a form needed to be filed with the provider, she can't get into her accounts to reset passwords. He's racking up penalties and interest and can't seem to find his way out of this mess. Any advice is most welcome!

[Anonymous]

Definitely hire someone. Ask the accountant for recommendations.

[Anonymous]

He needs to change her address with the postal service to his address and to get himself online access to all of her accounts. And now is the time to make sure he knows where all the assets are.

I’d strongly suggest if she has some means that he turn over management of the investments to a financial planner. I think my mom pays .94% but their returns are far and above what we could do ourselves, the money is secured and not easily accessible (which is helpful as the elderly relative becomes susceptible to scams) and they are experts at tax loss harvesting so even her gains somehow look like losses.

Is your MIL still living in her home or is she in a facility?

[Anonymous]

Stop worrying about performance. Hire someone to administer. Ask your accountant or trust lawyer. Debby Shapiro in Tyson's is a lawyer and accountant, her office might do this.

[Anonymous]

Yes, just throw some of the money at this. You hire people to do this. it will also make it much easier if greedy siblings or relatives make accusations. They can provide all paperwork.

I don't know why families expect members without a financial background to take on managing complicated trusts. I was POA and trustee. I have an emotionally unstable sibling who is litigious and threatened to sue me if I made a wrong move. I was willing to do a task I didn't want, before I was threatened. Once a threat came I dodged the bullet. Before mom lost her faculties I made it clear she would need to chose a lawyer and/or accountant to manage things. I do not have the background, the finances are very complicated, I have a family that needs me and I am not going to cater to emotionally unstable sibling and live in fear of a frivolous lawsuit. Best decision ever. The team will produce paperwork we can review to make sure everything is handled, but I don't need to take on the monumental task or be involved with someone looking for a fight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Definitely hire someone. Ask the accountant for recommendations.

This for sure. Plus online access to her accounts and someone to manage her investments (a fiduciary). I'm assuming there's enough money to meet her needs, which means tracking stock performance and other necessities for one stage of life don't apply, just keeping an eye on anything that might complicate taxes, such as mergers or stock splits.

[Anonymous]

Look into daily money managers. They can help with paying bills, recordkeeping etc. A friend of mine works for one - deals with clients remotely.

Here’s a description
https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/daily-money-management-programs-seniors-32269.html

[Anonymous]

Hi OP - I just reread your post to see the state of health of your MIL. First of all, use funds to get the appropriate person(s) to straighten out her financial affairs, get our DH full access as her POA and then to handle the routine payment of her bills, taxes etc. Secondly, it sounds like there is a need for coordination of in-home care - or should be beyond just family - and support for the operation of her household. A person called a geriatric care manager could do this. Depending on the finances such a person might work with an agency to ensure staffing, get staffing to care for the house and figure out how to be sure MIL's groceries are purchased and food provided. It would seem it might also be time to look at optioins for more direct care services such as assisted living or nursing/rehab places in your area for her as her health may deteriorate further. On the lawyer financial end of it, consulting an elder care lawyer might be a resource to point DH in the right direction, too.

[Anonymous]

Op here and I really appreciate these responses, which I will share with my husband. My mother in law currently lives in her home with an adult family member. She gets frequent visits from friends and family, and two of her adult children have been handling her appointments, therapies, etc. No one knew what faculties she’d recover after the stroke and she’s made some progress, but not enough to live independently. She’s desperate to stay in her house and we’re trying to help her, but it’s been hard. That’s the part that’s consuming so much time and emotional work. Trying to manage the financial responsibilities on top is just too much for my husband.

[Anonymous]

I do all this and don’t find it stressful except at tax time, and I am getting more organized to reduce that stress.

We have a financial advisor who oversees investing and advises us on what to do to be tax advantaged.

I created a list of all the 1099s needed each year for taxes:

Social security
Pension
Investment 1,2, etc


We use DropBox for me to share the documents with the tax preparer.

I keep folders for taxes for each year.

I changed the address with the PO to my address so I get the paper forms.

Slowly, I am updating with companies
to stop getting paper statements and to use the online access where I can download tax forms, etc.

Once your husband gets organized, it’ll be a lot easier.

Use LastPass to store passwords and one email address for mom, and re-do all the passwords for the accounts.

Once you take these steps, it will all take less time and be less stressful.

[Anonymous]

He should also have a family meeting on Facetime or in person to get everyone on the same page so there aren't accusations.Some trusts are really complicated and I can tell you sometimes you have to sell assets to pay for care only to find out there is no cost basis which makes taxes a mess.

If everyone does not agree to hire out and just have oversight then allow the person who refuses to spend the parent's money, the take over.

Be prepared a case manager is very expensive and they can promise you the moon and then you still have no-shows and problems. Figure out as a team long term if you want to make the push for residential or have her age in place and discuss the cost of this. Once again, the person who refuses to lose some inheritance to outsource is welcome to do the job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look into daily money managers. They can help with paying bills, recordkeeping etc. A friend of mine works for one - deals with clients remotely.

Here’s a description
https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/daily-money-management-programs-seniors-32269.html

This is a good option as long as everyone understands they need to provide checks and balances. look at the paperwork they provide, check the accounts on a regular basis and freeze their credit. These places are only as good as the people they hire so you need to check things, but it's easier to have an outside place doing it.

Even if he gets along well with siblings, if he is overwhelmed now, wait until someone gets suspicious and decides they want weekly accounting. An accountant has the software and training so this is no big deal. Yes, you can give all siblings access to accounts and they can check on things themselves, but sometimes one sibling assumes mom or dad is wealthier than she is. Also, down the line when the parent passes away, much better to hire someone to deal with the estate and just check things over. One sibling could decide it's taking too long and then all those hours and hours you spent doing a job you hate turn into resentment on both sides and burnout.

[Anonymous]

As trustee, he needs a letter stating his mother is incapable of managing her affairs, the trust document, the POA, and a list of each institution that has an account. Your husband needs to go down the list of each institution and apply through their legal department for access to the account. He will be granted access as himself, trustee. He should not use her access, that is illegal. If you say he's already the administrator, then he should have all this already. I don't understand why mail is being delivered elsewhere. He's either administering it or he isn't.

[Anonymous]

People dramatically underestimate the “HR” and administrative time involved in having home caregivers. If that’s involved, it’s very hard to hire that part out.

For the financial stuff, it’s much easier to get remote administrative help. There will be set up time, but once you have someone good and they have what they need as far as account access, it should be pretty manageable. I agree with starting with asking whoever you have who is good for recommendations.