Ideas for complicated IL situation?
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Anonymous
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My husband is an only child whose parents live in (a relatively safe part of) Ukraine. Right now, they're able to manage things on their own, with some support from me when I'm able to visit a few times a year. We always thought they'd probably age at home, with us going over in shifts and hiring local nursing help or, if needed for dementia or other issues requiring round-the-clock assistance, they would move into a nursing home in Ukraine. They don't have much of a local support system or family there who would help.
The war threw a HUGE wrench into these plans (and, of course, the plans of so many other Ukrainians, so I am well aware that our wrench is pretty tiny in comparison to some people's), as my husband cannot currently travel to Ukraine. Bringing them here would be insanely difficult, both financially and psychologically (for all of us). The cost of nursing care here would decimate our finances, plus my ILs wouldn't be able to talk to any of the caregivers. We've discussed third country options (Poland, Germany), as nursing care there is cheaper than here. And, at least in the case of Poland, the language is similar to Ukrainian. But those options also have their own hurdles. Has anyone dealt with anything remotely similar? Or does anyone have ideas that we haven't considered? Obviously, the war ending and my husband being able to travel again would be ideal, but that doesn't seem likely in the near future. |
Anonymous
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Wow, OP, first, I'm sorry. Second, your post is about pretty specific situation, but your subject line is really broad and vague.
I wonder if you can re-post and change the title to something that says Ukraine...like "Anyone with knowledge of Ukraine here who can assist with IL question?" Also, I'm not sure if you'd catch more people on a different forum or not (I agree the forum is right, but it's not the most trafficked) I'm just proposing this so you can attract those on DCUM who can help you. |
Anonymous
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This sounds very difficult, OP, and eldercare in general is frequently difficult under the best of circumstances.
This might be a naive question, but what is the situation with nursing homes in the Ukraine now? Have they closed? I would think there has to be some level of support for the thousands of elderly who have no means to go anywhere. Praying you find a solution. |
Anonymous
Or maybe Ukraine/conflict situation? |
Anonymous
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OP, I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I'd network in Ukraine on your next visit. The cheapest option would be to have local ladies come in 3 or 4 hours a day to help. This would be a lot less expensive them bringing his parents to the US and doing the same. The challenge would be how you transfer monies from the US to pay the local ladies. On your next visit I'd also visit local nursing homes and find out who pays for nursing home care and what it costs. 24 hour in home care by locals in the Ukraine will be significantly less expensive than the same care in the US. |
Anonymous
| Not particularly relevant to your question but I'm curious - are you saying you are currently able to travel but your DH is not? Is that because he'd be conscripted or is part of some pro-Russia opposition? Or some other reason? |
Anonymous
OP here. I'm sure there are nursing homes in parts of the country (east, southeast) that have been forced to close. Of course, there are some that are now in territory occupied by russia. But in most of the country, they are operating normally as far as I know. (You'd be surprised at how "normal" life is in a lot of the country. People are exceedingly resilient and just go about their lives as best they can.) Of course, not a lot of people use nursing homes in Ukraine. Most people remain at home and are cared for by relatives, but I think this is slowly changing. |
Anonymous
OP again. Oh good God, no, definitely NOT part of some pro-Russia opposition! He cannot travel because he would not be allowed to leave if he entered. He is a US citizen, but also a citizen of Ukraine. As Ukraine does not recognize dual citizenship, to them, he is a citizen of Ukraine. And men citizens between 18 and 60 cannot leave Ukraine because of the war. As an only child with elderly parents, he probably would have an exemption from conscription (as their only option as a caretaker), but he also would likely lose his job here in the US, which would be super problematic for our family! And yes, I can (and do) travel to Ukraine, provide support to his parents, also help them get to neighboring countries so they can visit with my DH. BUT as they get older and have more mobility/health issues, that will be more difficult. |
Anonymous
Thank you. I'll consider it for maybe sometime a bit in the future. It's funny - I feel like this is a very unique situation but at the same time, I feel like there have to be other people out there who have the same dilemma (or some version of it). |
Anonymous
| You need to set up local help for them. I’m sorry for this difficult situation. |
Anonymous
OP here. The problem isn't that we won't be able to get them skilled nursing care in Ukraine - that would be relatively easy to organize, pay for, etc. as things are operating relatively normally where my ILs live - it's that once they are at a stage where they will need this type of care, my husband would only be able to see his parents via video calls, wouldn't be able to be with them at the end of life (if they didn't die a sudden death) and he also wouldn't be able to attend their eventual funerals. So we are looking for options that don't make everyone miserable and/or broke. And, honestly, we haven't really come up with any good ones (except an end to the war and lifting of the ban on men exiting the country, and that looks quite unlikely). |
Anonymous
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Nobody can predict the future, so it’s silly to try…or worry what might happen.
Do they need help now? If so, hire someone. Pay them well. Set up cameras. If they need more help, line it up—either there or consider bringing them here. If you are a SAHM or can work from home, you can hire help here and not have to worry or feel guilty. I don’t get the funeral thing. Cremate and have a funeral here. Your husband either wants to support his aging parents or not. I can’t imagine living in the US and leaving my elderly parents in Ukraine. |
Anonymous
| Contact the local social services in the town where your in-laws live. They will have more experience and ideas. |
Anonymous
| So sorry OP. Don’t have any helpful suggestions for you, but wanted to share that I freak out often about how I am going to manage elder care and funeral arrangements for my difficult, antisocial parents who live on the other side of the world. I’m an only child, raised here and the language and cultural barrier on both sides has grown exponentially in the last decade. |
Anonymous
| ^accidentally submitted early, but only wanted to add that I’ll be following this thread for ideas, and wish you guys the best of luck. |