I am insecure, always have been. Will it ever change?

[Anonymous]

I'm just an insecure person. I have worked really hard to change it. Therapy, self-help books, mantras, volunteering for those less fortunate, focusing on my passions, focusing on what I'm good at, trying new things, exercise, journaling, gratitude journaling, bullet journaling, not journaling, "dropping the rope," changing who I hang out with, you name it.

Is this just who I am? When I see successful people, I think "I could never be like that, I suck." I stress about applying for jobs I am for sure qualified to do. I walk around feeling bad about myself a lot, I default to rumination and self-defeating thoughts. Even when I KNOW I have something going for me, objectively, I self doubt or my brain finds away to convince me I don't, actually.

I'm so tired. I just want to feel good about myself, for once.

[Anonymous]

Can you try feeling okay with being insecure? That can be one less thing to be insecure about. A lot of people are insecure, ruminate, deal with self-defeating thoughts, etc.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried meds? Sounds more like anxiety than insecurity.

I used to be very very insecure. I'm not sure exactly what changed, I just stopped GAF I guess. I like to think it gets easier as you get older, but I know that doesnt apply to everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried meds? Sounds more like anxiety than insecurity.

I used to be very very insecure. I'm not sure exactly what changed, I just stopped GAF I guess. I like to think it gets easier as you get older, but I know that doesnt apply to everyone.

Yes, and been treated for anxiety. I have also done a lot of therapy for it and am great at recognizing anxious though processes and can even work through them to not spiral or make bad decisions out of anxiety.

But I am still in mental discomfort and engage in negative self talk basically all the time. Like I've learned how not to let my insecurity/anxiety rule my life, but I still feel deeply insecure and have a lot of self-loathing.

My therapist always encouraged me to take pride in how hard I've worked and all the self-knowledge and self-control I have. And I'll nod and agree but then in the back of my mind think "if I weren't such a messy loser, maybe I wouldn't have to work so hard just to be functional." Like I KNOW that thought is unhelpful, but it's never not there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you try feeling okay with being insecure? That can be one less thing to be insecure about. A lot of people are insecure, ruminate, deal with self-defeating thoughts, etc.

Ha, maybe that's what I'm trying to do here. Just accept this is what I'm like. But it's hard to not think negatively about it or envy people who don't feel this way.

[Anonymous]

I do not think you will change. Next lifetime!

[Anonymous]

Graduating cum laude from a top law school changed this for me. I'd spent 25 years being told what a loser I was (abusive family) and how I would never succeed at anything. They weren't right. And I'm no longer insecure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Graduating cum laude from a top law school changed this for me. I'd spent 25 years being told what a loser I was (abusive family) and how I would never succeed at anything. They weren't right. And I'm no longer insecure.

OP here. Ironically, I also graduated from a top law school (not cum laude though, maybe that's the problem?) and it in no way made me stop feeling like I am a loser. I don't think my insecurity is linked to rationality. There are ways in which I know I am objectively successful. Yet I don't feel that way.

I am also from an abusive family.

[Anonymous]

I am betting you try not to judge others. Try to be a bit more judgmental of others and not yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Graduating cum laude from a top law school changed this for me. I'd spent 25 years being told what a loser I was (abusive family) and how I would never succeed at anything. They weren't right. And I'm no longer insecure.

OP here. Ironically, I also graduated from a top law school (not cum laude though, maybe that's the problem?) and it in no way made me stop feeling like I am a loser. I don't think my insecurity is linked to rationality. There are ways in which I know I am objectively successful. Yet I don't feel that way.

I am also from an abusive family.

PP here. Well, sounds like it isn't going to change for you.

[Anonymous]

Imagine saying those things you think about yourself to your best friend. Why be so cruel to yourself?

Have you already tried meditation, and just trying to put away negative thoughts if they come up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imagine saying those things you think about yourself to your best friend. Why be so cruel to yourself?

Have you already tried meditation, and just trying to put away negative thoughts if they come up?

Oh yeah, years of meditation practice, I eventually gave up on it. I don't think it's for me.

I have done better with CBT where instead of just observing the thoughts and "letting them go," I can observe them and more proactively try to address them. But I have to keep doing it and am not always successful. It's like there's an upper limit on how much better I can get.

I fantasize about waking up one morning and just having the self esteem issues gone, like a weight lifted. For a long time I thought that's what I was working towards in doing all this stuff. And now I feel like maybe the best I can hope for is be able to manage the constant feelings of inadequacy so they don't completely derail my life, but I'll ever actually be free of them. Which would be a bummer. I am not looking forward to getting old feeling like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am betting you try not to judge others. Try to be a bit more judgmental of others and not yourself.

I see what you are getting at, and it's true I try not to judge others (and am much more generous towards them than I am towards myself). Not sure judging them is the trick though, as I feel certain this will just make me feel guilty and give me another thing to criticize in myself ("you're so judgmental, you project your insecurities onto other people").

[Anonymous]

When's the last time you tried something new?

Like learning Italian or rock climbing or Chinese cooking or horseback riding or guitar or....?

I randomly picked up my kids' martial art and weight lifting, assuming I'd be horrible at both but that it could be fun to do while waiting for their classes to end. Surprisingly I've made progress! I think it's helped my self esteem. Also I started leaning a language. Surprisingly I'm horrible at it! I was always a good student before. And it's also in a weird way helped my self esteem because I can laugh at myself struggling to learn a new alphabet that would be easy if I were a toddler. Also gives perspective about how many things I have mastered.

Maybe it's just surprising myself that's helped.

Anyway, hope that helps.

[Anonymous]

Have you done EMDR or mushrooms? I think it’s hard to change your mindset when you come from an abusive family. They influenced your thinking at times when you were the most impressionable. You need to undue those influences. Good luck, I’m rooting for you.