Communicating with SIL after separation

[Anonymous]

My brother and SIL recently separated. She and I got along fine, but there are a lot of emotions in the family over their split. My preference is to not get involved at all but I also feel like it would be weird to stop communicating with her entirely and I will probably need to do so in the future to coordinate seeing their kids. Any advice for those who have BTDT?

[Anonymous]

Does she want to maintain a relationship with you? I’d follow her lead. You can still see their kids on your brother’s time.

[Anonymous]

Um, why would it require you to communicate with her to see their kids? YOUR BROTHER has a phone, does he not? Does he know how to use a calendar? Stop expecting this emotional labor from her just because she has a vagina. COORDINATE WITH YOUR BROTHER.

[Anonymous]

Ok, wow, didn’t expect to get yelled at. Brother moved out and kids still live with SIL. SIL recently reached out to me about coordinating to have their kids visit me this summer. I’m just not sure how to navigate since both brother and SIL are sharing negative things with about the other that I don’t want to hear. I just want to be able to support their kids as much as possible during a challenging time. Would appreciate any constructive ideas about communicating with them (or not) now that they are separated. No need to be nasty.

[Anonymous]

I don't know why you're getting yelled at either. Your follow up does help in crafting a response. I'd thank her for reaching out to coordinate a visit from her kids. I'd acknowledge the awkwardness of the situation, the difficulty in establishing a new normal and your desire to maintain a positive relationship.

If she brings up your brother in any way, I'd say something along the lines of 'I appreciate the pain you are experiencing and wish I could be a better support. I'm sure you can understand the difficult position I'm in since my brother is involved. I think we're all better served by not bringing him into our conversations.'

[Anonymous]

Also clueless why you're getting yelled at. My ex left me for his AP and they married two years later. I always had a great relationship with my SIL. She told me I will always be her SIL and that I will always be her family. We still hang out together, talk on the phone, text, etc. Our relationship hasn't really changed except I don't see her in person as often. It can work if SIL is on board.

[Anonymous]

I'm the pp, I forgot to add. I specifically asked my SIL not to bring up my ex. And she doesn't unless it's something relative to the conversation. For example, the other day she was telling me about a family member of hers who passed away. I couldn't remember this person, and she reminded me that this person was the one who wore the purple suit at my ex's 40th birthday party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why you're getting yelled at either. Your follow up does help in crafting a response. I'd thank her for reaching out to coordinate a visit from her kids. I'd acknowledge the awkwardness of the situation, the difficulty in establishing a new normal and your desire to maintain a positive relationship.

If she brings up your brother in any way, I'd say something along the lines of 'I appreciate the pain you are experiencing and wish I could be a better support. I'm sure you can understand the difficult position I'm in since my brother is involved. I think we're all better served by not bringing him into our conversations.'

And let her know that you are also asking your brother not to talk to you about her. Jokingly call yourself Switzerland. It’s great you want to keep in touch and stay close for the kids’ sake.

[Anonymous]

Respond and CC your brother so you all are coordinating.

[Anonymous]

Thanks so much for these good ideas. Although she and I are not close, I am hoping we can stay in touch without discussing my brother or their marriage. I will try these tips.