Is any of this normal coach behavior?

[Anonymous]

My jv kid just came back from a tournament at his HS and he is over how his coach has been talking to him and other players this season. Here are some things he told me.

-At the varsity tournament tonight the JV team was reffing. After one of the games was over, one of the varsity members was fooling around, came over and took a jv kid’s snack, so the kid ran after the varsity player to get his snack back. Just a little horseplay after the game. The jv coach yelled at him in a seriously stern tone, “Sit and stay.” And then added: “Just like a dog.” DS said it sounded like he was giving a command to an animal. A serious dis. The JV kid was so angry he had to leave the tournament early because he seriously wanted to quit or give the coach the middle finger and maybe get kicked off the team.

-A few months back coach said to a different friend: “You are like a robot. Do I need to open up your head and rewire some gears so you will talk more?” I know this kid. He’s a valuable player on the team and his personality is more laid back/quiet. To me, this sounds like an unnecessary personal attack.

-A few weeks ago another teammate, a good friend of my DS, had asked the coach to video him so he could see his technique, etc. When watching the video, the friend asked my kid to come over and watch with him, tell him what he thought. When my kid walked off, the coach said to the other kid, “Why are you two always hanging out together? Why don’t you just take him out on a date?” Don't even know what to say about this - seriously wth?

-Another time, I guess for punishment for not doing well in a tournament, the coach told the team to meet up at a local park after school, they had to find their own transportation, no bus. Two of the kids arrived about 2 minutes before the start time and coach yelled at them. They told coach they had to wait for their ride (neither of them have licenses yet). He said, well, you should have walked then. The HS is at least a 40 minute walk from that park and on a busy commuter road.

-That same day one kid threw up because the coach had them running up and down a big hill for about 2 hours on a relatively hot day. Also said coach was dropping the f-bomb a lot and one mom at the park told him to cut out that kind of language around her little kid.

Kid who was talked to like a dog tonight is angry and asked his club coach (unaffiliated with HS) what he should do. Club coach said tell the varsity coach or AD what he's observed but not to attach names to the incidents. Kid also asked me what I thought about that idea (he's also a good friend of my son - I drive them to a lot of the club sporting events). But I'm not sure how to advise. I told him for now to sleep on it and he can discuss with my son tomorrow.

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

All normal for HS coach and you should do nothing. If your kid wants to play again next year, that is.

HS coaches don’t get paid much and are notoriously bad. If this was a club or private coach- totally different story.

My DS’s high school baseball coach’s favorite phrase is “(throwing) rainbows is for f*ggots”. My DD’s high school coach uses the R word “Suzy! Stop running like a r*tard” etc. Just as an example. A club or travel coach wouldn’t last long if they spoke that way- but high school coaches….can do whatever.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Appreciate response above for perspective. My DH & I are fairly clueless to HS sports culture (both of us grew up in under-resourced areas with virtually no HS sports), and frankly I find the comments of my kid's coach and your kids' coaches appalling.

Why do they get a free pass to be a**holes to our kids and how does it help anyone? There is constructive feedback on how to improve your game, tough love, or whatever. But the demeaning personal comments serve no purpose other than to bully and shame.

What if throwing around phrases like rainbows are for f*****, were said to a closeted gay kid? What if the kid being accused of acting like a robot is on the autism spectrum? On my kid's team, there are at least 2 families with same-sex parents. How do their kids feel about hearing this language?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All normal for HS coach and you should do nothing. If your kid wants to play again next year, that is.

HS coaches don’t get paid much and are notoriously bad. If this was a club or private coach- totally different story.

My DS’s high school baseball coach’s favorite phrase is “(throwing) rainbows is for f*ggots”. My DD’s high school coach uses the R word “Suzy! Stop running like a r*tard” etc. Just as an example. A club or travel coach wouldn’t last long if they spoke that way- but high school coaches….can do whatever.

No not ok and you are a fool to allow your child around this crap all for a sport.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Appreciate response above for perspective. My DH & I are fairly clueless to HS sports culture (both of us grew up in under-resourced areas with virtually no HS sports), and frankly I find the comments of my kid's coach and your kids' coaches appalling.

Why do they get a free pass to be a**holes to our kids and how does it help anyone? There is constructive feedback on how to improve your game, tough love, or whatever. But the demeaning personal comments serve no purpose other than to bully and shame.

What if throwing around phrases like rainbows are for f*****, were said to a closeted gay kid? What if the kid being accused of acting like a robot is on the autism spectrum? On my kid's team, there are at least 2 families with same-sex parents. How do their kids feel about hearing this language?

They get a free pass because parents give them one.

I did not. Two of mine went to Division 1 college sports without coaches like this.

[Anonymous]

A high school coach is employed by a school and absolutely should not use that sort of language. I'd file an anonymous complaint so as not to get my kid retaliated against by the coach. Or band together with other parents on the team and as a group complain to admin.

[Anonymous]

This is not typical.

Ours played for Catholic schools so parents & school administrators were--fortunately--very strict.

[Anonymous]

My DC runs track at a public HS and the coach will trash talk a little bit in fun and has more of a tough love attitude, but nothing like the OP and first PP reported. I would report behavior like that for sure. (Although maybe how much coaches get away with is sport-dependent?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Appreciate response above for perspective. My DH & I are fairly clueless to HS sports culture (both of us grew up in under-resourced areas with virtually no HS sports), and frankly I find the comments of my kid's coach and your kids' coaches appalling.

Why do they get a free pass to be a**holes to our kids and how does it help anyone? There is constructive feedback on how to improve your game, tough love, or whatever. But the demeaning personal comments serve no purpose other than to bully and shame.

What if throwing around phrases like rainbows are for f*****, were said to a closeted gay kid? What if the kid being accused of acting like a robot is on the autism spectrum? On my kid's team, there are at least 2 families with same-sex parents. How do their kids feel about hearing this language?

They get a free pass because parents give them one.

I did not. Two of mine went to Division 1 college sports without coaches like this.

So the question I have is why?

In the case of my kid's coach, I'm trying to understand what are acceptable norms for coaching behavior? And, if his behavior is outside the acceptable bounds of decency, what recourse do parents or players have to get the behavior changed?

My inclination is to contact the head of the school (not the AD or varsity coach), anonymously if possible, to let him know how that this coach's behavior is not in line with the values the school espouses for student athletes. Why aren't adult coaches held to the same standard of integrity, inclusivity, character and excellence that the athletes are?

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP who mentioned coaches are employees of the school. Public school employees cannot talk like that. Many dostricts have online bullying or harassment reporting systems. Try that or speak to the principal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A high school coach is employed by a school and absolutely should not use that sort of language. I'd file an anonymous complaint so as not to get my kid retaliated against by the coach. Or band together with other parents on the team and as a group complain to admin.

OP here. Didn't see this post until after posted above about reporting him anonymously.

How can that be done?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with PP who mentioned coaches are employees of the school. Public school employees cannot talk like that. Many dostricts have online bullying or harassment reporting systems. Try that or speak to the principal.

OP again. Thanks, I will look into this. Not sure if our district has this.

[Anonymous]

Coaches are paid very little at most schools so it's hard to find and keep good people. That's not excuse for terrible behavior, however, and at least at our school that coach would be gone in a hot second. File an anonymous complaint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All normal for HS coach and you should do nothing. If your kid wants to play again next year, that is.

HS coaches don’t get paid much and are notoriously bad. If this was a club or private coach- totally different story.

My DS’s high school baseball coach’s favorite phrase is “(throwing) rainbows is for f*ggots”. My DD’s high school coach uses the R word “Suzy! Stop running like a r*tard” etc. Just as an example. A club or travel coach wouldn’t last long if they spoke that way- but high school coaches….can do whatever.

This crosses the line. The dog comment was not a big deal just stupid.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a jerk who has a poor sense of humor. But this pales in comparison to what my son and his teammates endured from their varsity coach in the fall. The AD and several school staff members are aware of the verbal abuse. Lots of cursing both at all the boys and at specific players. Lots of nastiness. Parents and players complained. There was zero intervention and it seems he will be returning. Most older players are considering quitting but my DS has decided not to let a bully coach win. It appears anything goes in HS.