How to be a helpful spouse
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Anonymous
| My beautiful wife and I have a 1 week old newborn baby boy. He’s the light our lives and we are adjusting to parenthood. My wife has had a difficult pregnancy that included modified bedrest at 35 weeks after an early birth scare at 32 and then 35 weeks, placenta privia, and pre-eclampsia. She had to have a c-section but so far her blood pressure has stabilized and she isn’t on meds. We are trying to keep things very low stress as much as possible. I have been working from home to be around more and we have family who have been coming over to help with all the things. What else can I do to make things low stress for her? |
Anonymous
| Let her focus on recovery and the baby and you handle everything else. Don't hover over her. Also, family help can be good but too much of it can be annoying. |
Anonymous
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Check in and see if she WANTS the family coming over as much as they are. I was really not up for visitors and would have preferred it just be DH and I for the first month or so.
If your wife is nursing, bring her water or coconut water each time she sits down to nurse. Offer to burp him. Keep the kitchen clean, keep the laundry moving. If she's nursing, don't push her to pump. Let her decide how the baby should be fed. Don't view yourself as someone who helps with the baby - that implies it's the mom's job. It's both your jobs. You can get him up, dressed, bathed, etc. You can take him for a walk each morning outside. |
Anonymous
OP here. We originally planned no visitors for at least 2 weeks but she felt like we needed the help and said have them. It’s just my mom, her mom, and her sister. They have each helped out one day a week for an afternoon to give her a break. Her mom also is a great cook and made us a lot of freezer meals. I know I’m not babysitting or helping - - I’m parenting. |
Anonymous
OP here. I’ve let her decide on who and when to have them over. She has energy is the mornings but she’s in pain and wiped out by the afternoon. She will nap or just rest in bed while family members or I take care of the baby for the afternoon until I’m done working and able to be fully focus on baby and her 100%. |
Anonymous
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Take extra night shifts, or do them together. Be the one going downstairs preparing and warming the bottles. She probably wants to minimize lifting anything heavy yet, so be the one putting the baby in the carseat and carrying to the pediatrician etc. Along with your families, coordinate nutritious, healthy, and filling meals so she doesn’t have to deal with the menu planning. Be ready to offer to help with research - if she decides she wants postpartum doula, lactation consultant, etc. Be flexible and ready to eat at weird hours, to huddle over an iPad with Netflix, just keep things going.
CONGRATS! You’re at such an advantage that you can WFH and be present for your child, and you are already a great dad and partner!!! |
Anonymous
| OP here. What else can I do to help. She gets up with him at night and I take him in the mornings. I feed him a bottle of formula, bathe him, and dress him and put him back to sleep. Then I will unload the dishwasher, make us breakfast, and refill all the nursing stations with drinks and snacks. My wife takes over until either a family member comes over or I take him for the afternoon. Repeat in the evening. She’s mainly still on bedrest for 90% of the day. |
Anonymous
| Are you taking care of the pets? Are you doing all the laundry? Making and cleaning up from the meals? Handling mail and bills? Writing thank you notes for baby gifts you've gotten? Get the baby on your health insurance? Update your will to account for the baby? Restock the diaper changing station(s)? |
Anonymous
OP here. I don’t do nights. The hospital nurse advised her no pumping and to nurse at least every 4 hours. He’s an every 1.5-2 hour during the day and very 2-3 hours at night. We only feed one formula bottle a day in the morning. We don’t have stairs and she nurses. She will hand express sometimes but we just syringe feed him that. He was on the smaller side and we were trying to get his weight up. She doesn’t lift anything besides our son. She spends about 80% of her time in bed and then moves between the nursery rocker and the couch. |
Anonymous
OP here. We don’t have any pets and don’t plan to. We are not pet people. I’m doing the laundry or one of the family members. We do our laundry twice a week and my sons every 2-3 days. I don’t cook very well but we have been reheating meals prepared for us or we order take out. We also prepped lots of freezer meals and snacks before he was born. I already a handle all the finances We sent out thank you notes after our baby shower. Not sure if we need to do it again. He’s on my insurance and so is my wife We don’t have a will or anything yet. I take care of all of his nursery or the family members do. |
Anonymous
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Maybe help with tracking diapers and feedings. There are very good apps out there.
Youre doing well with making sure she has water and meals. Make sure she's getting a shower in |
Anonymous
OP here. She showers each afternoon or night and we have a bidet to keep clean. We do use an app called Huckleberry. We are ordered to track weighted feedings per pediatrician request because of weight issues. |
Anonymous
| OP here. What else can I for my wife to show her my appreciation and make sure she never had stress? |
Anonymous
| You couldn't even take one week off? |
Anonymous
It sounds like you are doing well, OP. Just make sure you tell her how much you love and appreciate her - insecurity can be a real thing for new moms, so some of us appreciate hearing it along with actions of love  .
My DH used to get up when the baby cried in the night, change his diaper, and brought him to me to nurse in bed. I just had to wake up, feed, and hand the baby back to him. That was awesome! But it was really only while we were both off work. I get that the person who can't rest at all during the day needs more sleep at night. Maybe on weekends? Otherwise, just try to keep the house clean, keep the pantry stocked with her favorite snacks, keep up with the laundry. |