Materialistic friend

[Anonymous]

I have a long time friend who’s become very materialistic. I suppose they were always a bit materialistic but in the last few years I cannot get together with them without delving into how much money they are making, what they want to buy, the car they are driving, how much money they have, etc etc. for the record, I am not jealous—in fact, I do better than them (we both do very well). But I really dislike talking about money and sometimes I see this person gloat to other friends who are less well off. I suspect they have an insecurity that they are trying to patch. But I find myself considering ending the friendship. Would you?

[Anonymous]

I would give her a talk. "You might not realize but you've started talking about money and acquisitions a lot this year and that's a big change. What's going on? Would you mind taking a break from it when we talk?"

[Anonymous]

What money range are we talking about and what lifestyle are they projecting?

[Anonymous]

It depends. Do they have other redeeming attributes? Nobody is perfect; we all have our flaws and that’s part of friendship - loving and accepting our friends, warts and all. At the same time, sometimes friendships run their course.And it sounds like the friendship causes you stress, or at least discomfort. It’s really up to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What money range are we talking about and what lifestyle are they projecting?

I assume HHI of about $700k. Constant discussion of cars, trips, and second home etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would give her a talk. "You might not realize but you've started talking about money and acquisitions a lot this year and that's a big change. What's going on? Would you mind taking a break from it when we talk?"

Yes. This is what friends are for. To keep us from looking stupid, and doing stupid things.

[Anonymous]

Having gone to an Ivy League school and then lived many years in New York City, I noticed that people with money fall into 2 camps. One camp tends to be flashy (and in NYC, flashy does not always equate true wealth) and the other camp tends to prefer projecting "normal" like average middle class American. Some used to classify as old money vs new money. Would that describe your situation with your friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having gone to an Ivy League school and then lived many years in New York City, I noticed that people with money fall into 2 camps. One camp tends to be flashy (and in NYC, flashy does not always equate true wealth) and the other camp tends to prefer projecting "normal" like average middle class American. Some used to classify as old money vs new money. Would that describe your situation with your friend?

I think this is it. I really hate to display my own privilege and feel rather sensitive about it. I have even taken to simply not telling people about the trips I’m taking or other specifics on money to avoid making people uncomfortable or jealous. My friend however does it with gusto and a little bit of judgment. This is the person who in conversation with those less well off will suddenly begin talking about how they just got access to private banking and it’s sooo great and how their financial advisor told them they would have x much by then, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would give her a talk. "You might not realize but you've started talking about money and acquisitions a lot this year and that's a big change. What's going on? Would you mind taking a break from it when we talk?"

I'd only advise this is if the friend is the type who is open to feedback. Otherwise I'd just quietly scale back how much time I spend with the friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having gone to an Ivy League school and then lived many years in New York City, I noticed that people with money fall into 2 camps. One camp tends to be flashy (and in NYC, flashy does not always equate true wealth) and the other camp tends to prefer projecting "normal" like average middle class American. Some used to classify as old money vs new money. Would that describe your situation with your friend?

I think this is it. I really hate to display my own privilege and feel rather sensitive about it. I have even taken to simply not telling people about the trips I’m taking or other specifics on money to avoid making people uncomfortable or jealous. My friend however does it with gusto and a little bit of judgment. This is the person who in conversation with those less well off will suddenly begin talking about how they just got access to private banking and it’s sooo great and how their financial advisor told them they would have x much by then, etc.

If they had to work hard to get to where they are financially, they prob have a strong need for validation, to be recognized that they "made it" and that they are "good enough" to be in wealthy company.

Of course, it is annoying for others around them to bear, whether the audience member has a lower or higher HHI. It's tacky.

But if you think she is a good person and a good friend at core, stick it out. Eventually, the new-ness of this status will wear out and she will chill out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having gone to an Ivy League school and then lived many years in New York City, I noticed that people with money fall into 2 camps. One camp tends to be flashy (and in NYC, flashy does not always equate true wealth) and the other camp tends to prefer projecting "normal" like average middle class American. Some used to classify as old money vs new money. Would that describe your situation with your friend?

I think this is it. I really hate to display my own privilege and feel rather sensitive about it. I have even taken to simply not telling people about the trips I’m taking or other specifics on money to avoid making people uncomfortable or jealous. My friend however does it with gusto and a little bit of judgment. This is the person who in conversation with those less well off will suddenly begin talking about how they just got access to private banking and it’s sooo great and how their financial advisor told them they would have x much by then, etc.

WOW. This is so uncomfortable if she does it not knowing her audience

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having gone to an Ivy League school and then lived many years in New York City, I noticed that people with money fall into 2 camps. One camp tends to be flashy (and in NYC, flashy does not always equate true wealth) and the other camp tends to prefer projecting "normal" like average middle class American. Some used to classify as old money vs new money. Would that describe your situation with your friend?

I think this is it. I really hate to display my own privilege and feel rather sensitive about it. I have even taken to simply not telling people about the trips I’m taking or other specifics on money to avoid making people uncomfortable or jealous. My friend however does it with gusto and a little bit of judgment. This is the person who in conversation with those less well off will suddenly begin talking about how they just got access to private banking and it’s sooo great and how their financial advisor told them they would have x much by then, etc.

Yeah, that's tacky (example of bringing up private banking). It's bragging and one-uppinh, and even can be a form of bullying. He will alienate everyone and will only be able to hang out with like-minded materialists or lackeys--some people ARE impressed by these kinds of brags and want to be proximate to that life. Or they are people who will use him. If he is open to feedback, give it or tease a bit when he makes remarks, which might flip a switch on his head, but you may have grown apart at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having gone to an Ivy League school and then lived many years in New York City, I noticed that people with money fall into 2 camps. One camp tends to be flashy (and in NYC, flashy does not always equate true wealth) and the other camp tends to prefer projecting "normal" like average middle class American. Some used to classify as old money vs new money. Would that describe your situation with your friend?

I think this is it. I really hate to display my own privilege and feel rather sensitive about it. I have even taken to simply not telling people about the trips I’m taking or other specifics on money to avoid making people uncomfortable or jealous. My friend however does it with gusto and a little bit of judgment. This is the person who in conversation with those less well off will suddenly begin talking about how they just got access to private banking and it’s sooo great and how their financial advisor told them they would have x much by then, etc.

Yeah, that's tacky (example of bringing up private banking). It's bragging and one-uppinh, and even can be a form of bullying. He will alienate everyone and will only be able to hang out with like-minded materialists or lackeys--some people ARE impressed by these kinds of brags and want to be proximate to that life. Or they are people who will use him. If he is open to feedback, give it or tease a bit when he makes remarks, which might flip a switch on his head, but you may have grown apart at this point.

This is really just semantics. IYKYK that people talking about how “uncomfortable” they are with their wealth are really just virtue and wealth signaling in another flavor and style. And judging others for signaling differently. The common denominator is both care a hell of a lot about and wouldn’t be caught dead without a ton of money. The “quiet” group just puts on an affectation that they are oh so different. They’re not. Scratch the surface and you’ll see the same savagery and materialism, just in different costumes.

[Anonymous]

Life is short. Personally I would end the friendship if it’s not bringing you anything positive.

[Anonymous]

Eh I have a friend like this too. I just ignore it honestly. She made her money by herself with no family help and I think there’s some anxiety around finances. She’s a great friend otherwise though.