Rarely feel joy as a result of successes - is anybody else this way?

[Anonymous]

When I set out to accomplish something and succeed, I almost never feel any joy in that accomplishment. I suspect I'm this way because I always expect myself to meet a goal. The feeling I get isn't joy or a sense of accomplishment but rather a sense of "meeting expectations" or "of course I did what I set out to do."

Examples in the last year are a big promotion at work, running several events for DS's scout troop, a medium sized DIY project, seeing DD go off to college as a happy kid, planning a great overseas vacation and others.

I want to feel the joy of success that I see others feeling, but it is mostly missing from my life. This robs me of opportunities to feel good to balance out when I'm feeling down for some reason.

When I don't meet a goal, I'm pretty good at taking that in stride and not being devastated.

As a kid, I was viewed as an overachiever by friends, teachers, parents and myself. I'm sure this contributed to high expectations for myself.

Is anybody else like this? How have you dealt with it?

[Anonymous]

Try taking a break from seeing everything positive in your life as an "accomplishment," "achievement," or success.

It's great to have such a sense of agency in the world - the feeling that your efforts are the reason for the good things in your life. It's probably what helps you take "failure" in stride - you believe so strongly in yourself that you know you'll be able to absorb it or bounce back better. This is a wonderful trait!!

But nouns like "achievement," "accomplishment," or "success" all have a way of framing positive life moments as the result of effort and work. And those are things you say you do automatically and dutifully.

So the positive results you keep getting have come to seem inevitiable to you - probably for a long time, if not your whole life. Each positive accomplishment just frees you up to shift your focus to getting to the next one.
When you've learned to view things as routine and predictable, they become the opposite of special or even pleasurable.

You say that you've long been viewed by others and yourself as an "overachiever" So it makes sense that you've been conditioned to see your life as a series of goals, tasks, adn achievements. Again, while this is good in so many ways, if taken too far, it will flatten out the highs and lows of your life and turn pretty much anything into feeling like work.

My advice: Try something new this coming week. Pause at the top of every hour, if possible, to notice how you're FEELING in that moment. Literally, pause to check in with yourself - how do I feel right now? For the first week, just notice what feelings come up. Don't try to shift them, but do ask yourself to scan for any feelings of joy or pleasure in that moment. (They're often there but go unnoticed when we're so busy moving through each moment to "get things done.")

If at the end of the week you find you're still coming up empty on joy, try turning it into a bit more of a "treasure hunt" the second week. Same hourly check-in, but this time if no joy comes up, take an extra moment to FIND something that makes you happy right then and there. It can be something TINY. The small things are every bit as important as the big things.

Because the very PROCESS of living (of being) can be extremely pleasurable if only we stop to notice. And so much of it is completely separate from the outcomes and "achievements" of our days. Life has a way of presenting moments of joy ALL THE TIME. We just need to look for and notice them, and not put such heavy expectations on the less frequent big moments.

Circle back after a few weeks of this and let us know what you notice. I'd be happy then to share some of my own "joy" observations then, too. For me, these things happen pretty regularly - sometimes because I've been "productive" and gotten something done well that's important to me. But more often than not, it's because of something much smaller that has nothing to with my accomplishments. It's just something that is happening with or without me - but when I notice and appreciate all those those small things, they add up to a very pleasurable, bouyant experience of life!! Again, it's all there waiting for us to notice!

(And by the way, yes, I've always been viewed as an overachiever at every stage, both by myself and others. But I somehow learned early on in life that those achievements are not enough to sustain me, and therefore are not the goal. It sounds completely cliche, I know - but it's all the little moments in the journey that bring me joy, not just that one moment at the end. Why? Because that "moment of success" is too singular and fleeting, just like any other single moment. So why not notice and savor ALL the other moments, too? The joy is in the living, not just the achieving!)

[Anonymous]

Do you play any sports, run, or work out? Do you have the same issue there?

I’ve found it’s much easier for me to take pleasure in things that require physical effort (maybe endorphins?). Like a hike or playing tennis, even if I don’t win.

Another mind shift to try is not to think about accomplishing something that was never in question is meaningless but that it did take time to do it (and maybe hard work). I try and appreciate the effort I put into it, and be proud of myself for that. Even if it doesn’t feel like what I think other people may be feeling.

[Anonymous]

The joy is in the process, not the achievement. When you are in your deathbed, what will you remember? The goals you accomplished, or the relationships and experiences you had while accomplishing them?

All you have to do is shift your focus to the process, instead of the accomplishment.

[Anonymous]

You need to find things you enjoy doing. An achievement isn’t something you will bring you joy. For me, joy is seeing the flowers I planted thrive. It’s wrapping myself in my comforter and enjoying a good book. It’s traveling and exploring.

[Anonymous]

I am similar. I have more of a thought, okay, that is done, on to the next thing. I don't really have a lot of emotions about an accomplishment or achievement. I enjoy working towards it but then am ready to move on to something else.

[Anonymous]

Try an activity in which you are not particularly skilled. Like a PP said, find joy in the process, not the outcome.

[Anonymous]

I think you should start a gratitude journal. Write down the things you are grateful for, big and small. The small is just as important. I think you need to rewire your brain to a more positive viewpoint. You sound like a pretty amazing person, so you deserve to have that feeling.

[Anonymous]

What’s unclear from your post OP is whether you feel joy at all. If you feel joy in raising your child, or working with your kid’s scout troop, then just shift focus to the moments of joy in the process. If you are living life with no feelings of joy at all, then framing this failing the task of living life may motivate you to stop seeing life as simply a series of goals to be accomplished.

[Anonymous]

Framing this as failing….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The joy is in the process, not the achievement. When you are in your deathbed, what will you remember? The goals you accomplished, or the relationships and experiences you had while accomplishing them?

All you have to do is shift your focus to the process, instead of the accomplishment.

+1 Are you able to find joy in the process, OP?

[Anonymous]

Also - do you have a history of trauma, OP? Sometimes blocking out the painful or difficult feelings as a method of self-protection can make it difficult to access feelings of joy, excitement, etc.

[Anonymous]

As others have stated, joy is the product of gratitude, mindfulness, and overcoming failure, not necessarily “success.” I get it- I see this checkbox-thinking in myself and other type A friends.

I have a new hobby that I am pretty terrible at. But I get so much pleasure just from the process that I don’t even mind. Just being by myself, losing time doing something I love to do.

[Anonymous]

Do something selfless for others. Volunteer at a homeless shelter, an animal shelter, etc (not something that your family member gains like scouts).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: What’s unclear from your post OP is whether you feel joy at all. If you feel joy in raising your child, or working with your kid’s scout troop, then just shift focus to the moments of joy in the process. If you are living life with no feelings of joy at all, then framing this failing the task of living life may motivate you to stop seeing life as simply a series of goals to be accomplished.

+1
You sound depressed and anxious, and may have an over inflated sense of self, OP. Since you asked.