"Women judge other women when they are feeling either jealous or smug."

[Anonymous]

Backstory: visiting my mom this week with my kids (DH is working). My aunt is also in town. One of my kids was playing with my wedding/engagement ring. My engagement ring is extremely simple with a tiny stone, wedding ring is just a band. They are very pretty (have this filigreed design I love) but they were also inexpensive. We had absolutely no money when we got married, and I wasn't a big jewelry person anyway.

My aunt asked in a polite way if I ever thought about getting a larger diamond now that we can more easily afford it, especially with lab diamonds now available. I hadn't really thought about it -- my rings are sentimental to me and I think I'm so used to having a small stone that it might feel weird to have a bigger one. My aunt said, "Do you feel like other women judge you for having a smaller stone? That was a thing when I was younger."

And before I could answer, my mom said, "Oh who cares? Women only judge other women when they're feeling jealous or smug, why cater to that."

So I've been thinking about that ever since. Do you think that's true, that women only judge each other when they are feeling jealous or smug? I feel like I could come up with exceptions if I tried but I also think the underlying sentiment is true in a useful way. It also, of course, made me think of DCUM.

So, DCUM, what do you think? Would especially be interested in hearing people assess if it's true when they, themselves, judge other women. I do think it's often true for me, I'm ashamed to admit.

[Anonymous]

I only judge the women who have those big, honkin’ rocks on their fingers. Too showy for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I only judge the women who have those big, honkin’ rocks on their fingers. Too showy for me.

LOL way to prove the OP... I'm sure you find them too "showy..."

[Anonymous]

Probably true. I got the up and down eye by another mom today while grocery shopping and felt very insecure.

I thought about DCUM and how my frump was on full display at swim school this morning!

Also, I may have been saying not nice things in my head about light make up, heels and jeans at 8:30 in the morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Probably true. I got the up and down eye by another mom today while grocery shopping and felt very insecure.

I thought about DCUM and how my frump was on full display at swim school this morning!

Also, I may have been saying not nice things in my head about light make up, heels and jeans at 8:30 in the morning.

She is the insecure one, that is why she has the need to look at you that way.

[Anonymous]

Judging engagement ring size is very petty on the sliding scale of female pettiness.

When someone has a small stone, I assume they married young or had other priorities.

The larger rings used to be more indicative of something about the finances of the couple, but the advent of lab-grown diamonds makes it impossible to know. So now I just think those larger rings suggest a need to show off. But don't actually convey anything financial about the owner.

My local CVS has some decent-looking large diamond engagement ring knockoffs (odd that they sell them there...isn't it?).

[Anonymous]

I think it is very common for a woman who is judging another woman to be feeling jealous or smug. But I don't think it is necessary. There are all kinds of legit reasons to judge other people. A woman I work with was using a racist dog whistle the other day, and I immediately judged her; judgment was the only reasonable reaction to what she did. I was feeling shocked and maybe a little embarrassed -- definitely not smug or jealous.

But women judging engagement rings? Yeah, that is probably arising out of some jealousy or smugness. But it is a cultural thing, whether we like it or not -- Debeers has done a powerful number on us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Judging engagement ring size is very petty on the sliding scale of female pettiness.

When someone has a small stone, I assume they married young or had other priorities.

The larger rings used to be more indicative of something about the finances of the couple, but the advent of lab-grown diamonds makes it impossible to know. So now I just think those larger rings suggest a need to show off. But don't actually convey anything financial about the owner.

My local CVS has some decent-looking large diamond engagement ring knockoffs (odd that they sell them there...isn't it?).

Hmm. There is that smugness OP's mom referenced. I just think those larger rings suggest the wearer thinks gems are pretty and that they enjoy sparkling jewelry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Judging engagement ring size is very petty on the sliding scale of female pettiness.

When someone has a small stone, I assume they married young or had other priorities.

The larger rings used to be more indicative of something about the finances of the couple, but the advent of lab-grown diamonds makes it impossible to know. So now I just think those larger rings suggest a need to show off. But don't actually convey anything financial about the owner.

My local CVS has some decent-looking large diamond engagement ring knockoffs (odd that they sell them there...isn't it?).

I know unmarried women in certain industries who buy those rings before they travel to conferences etc. in order to avoid being bothered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Judging engagement ring size is very petty on the sliding scale of female pettiness.

When someone has a small stone, I assume they married young or had other priorities.

The larger rings used to be more indicative of something about the finances of the couple, but the advent of lab-grown diamonds makes it impossible to know. So now I just think those larger rings suggest a need to show off. But don't actually convey anything financial about the owner.

My local CVS has some decent-looking large diamond engagement ring knockoffs (odd that they sell them there...isn't it?).

I know unmarried women in certain industries who buy those rings before they travel to conferences etc. in order to avoid being bothered.

An engagement or wedding ring is NOT a deterrent on business travel. They actually attract more men because they are looking for casual sex with others already in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s generally true, OP. Sometimes I read the “snark” threads of various social media influencers/bloggers/etc. and it’s all BARELY concealed jealousy. Disguised as the usual, omg she has this huge house and it’s all beige, she’s an over consumer, this that and the other thing.

[Anonymous]

Your mom has it right. Witness the number of posters who chime in on threads discussing marriage and finances, with some complete non-sequitur of “I love my part time/at home job, fortunately DH makes 3m year”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Probably true. I got the up and down eye by another mom today while grocery shopping and felt very insecure.

I thought about DCUM and how my frump was on full display at swim school this morning!

Also, I may have been saying not nice things in my head about light make up, heels and jeans at 8:30 in the morning.

She is the insecure one, that is why she has the need to look at you that way.

I don’t necessarily think this is true. I have hair and makeup done every morning by 8:30 (although no heals!) and look put together. But I’m also not insecure and wish women would be kind to each other no matter what they’re wearing.

[Anonymous]

I don’t like women being put into such narrow boxes, 2 emotions, really?

If my MIL goes on a racist tirade and I judge her I am neither smug nor jealous. If I judge a coworker for missing a deadline and delaying my work, I am neither smug nor jealous.

This sounds like another way to make women into an old sexist trope and stereotype. People judge people for all sorts of reasons. Many more than just two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Judging engagement ring size is very petty on the sliding scale of female pettiness.

When someone has a small stone, I assume they married young or had other priorities.

The larger rings used to be more indicative of something about the finances of the couple, but the advent of lab-grown diamonds makes it impossible to know. So now I just think those larger rings suggest a need to show off. But don't actually convey anything financial about the owner.

My local CVS has some decent-looking large diamond engagement ring knockoffs (odd that they sell them there...isn't it?).

Hmm. There is that smugness OP's mom referenced. I just think those larger rings suggest the wearer thinks gems are pretty and that they enjoy sparkling jewelry.

PP. There are lots of pretty sparkles that cost less than $10-20K. Which is the price point of the real rings in that category. I figured somebody would call me out for my comments but I'm pretty sure this size of ring, like driving a luxury car, is intended to be noticed/assessed by others. The people I know like this, the bride tells the groom what to buy. These are not spontaneously presented rings.