Share your wisdom on parenting adolescents

[Anonymous]

For those with older teens and young adults, I’d love to hear your best advice in navigating the adolescent years! My oldest is 12, and I wasn’t quite prepared for how different this phase of parenting feels from everything that has come before.

[Anonymous]

Keep talking to them even if they act mute and sigh, roll their eyes, etc. Thry need you to keep being normal even though they are going through a lot. But don’t tolerate disrespect. They’ll eventually come back to you but in a different form.

[Anonymous]

Don’t take anything personally. Even when they reject keep making bids for connection. Listen to Dr. Lisa’s podcast.

[Anonymous]

Don't go into the mindset that adolescents are awful/hard/etc. Most adolescents are awesome.

Give them grace. Adoelscence is hard. That doesn't give them license to be rude/disrespectful, but they may not be the chipper 5y old you used to live with (though you will still see glimpses of that cuddly/sweet 5y old from time to time.)

Don't take things personally.

Recognize that your relationship with them will change...and that is ok. They need a lot of friend time. A lot of alone time. Maybe not so much parent time right now. Don't make them feel guilty for doing what is developmentally

BUT do find things to do that they enjoy - the new Marvel movie, a trip to the mall to look at sneakers (no matter how boring this is..), pedicures...

Recognize they are their own people and will make mistakes. They are figuring out how to be adults...and it will be bumpy. Mistakes will be made. Dumb decisions will be made. Talk about what happened. What could be done differently. What they learned. No everything needs to be a punishment.

[Anonymous]

My oldest is 14 and my youngest is 10 so I’m right there with you but as a high school teacher I can tell you the insights I’ve picked up over the years that I plan to keep in mind with my kids as they hit this phase:

Active parenting does not stop just because they’re big. You have to talk to them, spend time with them, know what’s going on in their lives.

Set boundaries and consequences and uphold them: this is how you model a loving, healthy relationship between adults and teens. If you don’t, they seek out unhealthy versions of those relationships or resent adults who hold appropriate boundaries with them.

Sometimes they’re irrational and that’s ok, it’s their age. We can let them be irrational sometimes because they just have to feel their feelings.

Teach them (explicitly) hygiene stuff that you might assume they know but don’t. Same with sex and relationships.

They do not hate you. They talk with so much love about their parents in spaces when you won’t hear it, but we do. They love you and just want your positive attention and to be proud of them.

there’s more to raising well rounded kids than all A’s in AP classes. A grade you don’t love won’t be the end of the world. The academic pressure on them can be too intense. Some of my students with the worse grades are the most intelligent, creative, funny, interesting people. I believe they will all find their way even if they’re not getting a 4.0.

Don’t solve every problem for them. They are capable of self advocating IF you teach them.

Speak highly of them to others when they can hear you. Your opinion means everything to them.

[Anonymous]

Pick your battles carefully, to me it’s more important to keep lines of communication open and have a good relationship than sweat the small stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My oldest is 14 and my youngest is 10 so I’m right there with you but as a high school teacher I can tell you the insights I’ve picked up over the years that I plan to keep in mind with my kids as they hit this phase:

Active parenting does not stop just because they’re big. You have to talk to them, spend time with them, know what’s going on in their lives.

Set boundaries and consequences and uphold them: this is how you model a loving, healthy relationship between adults and teens. If you don’t, they seek out unhealthy versions of those relationships or resent adults who hold appropriate boundaries with them.

Sometimes they’re irrational and that’s ok, it’s their age. We can let them be irrational sometimes because they just have to feel their feelings.

Teach them (explicitly) hygiene stuff that you might assume they know but don’t. Same with sex and relationships.

They do not hate you. They talk with so much love about their parents in spaces when you won’t hear it, but we do. They love you and just want your positive attention and to be proud of them.

there’s more to raising well rounded kids than all A’s in AP classes. A grade you don’t love won’t be the end of the world. The academic pressure on them can be too intense. Some of my students with the worse grades are the most intelligent, creative, funny, interesting people. I believe they will all find their way even if they’re not getting a 4.0.

Don’t solve every problem for them. They are capable of self advocating IF you teach them.

Speak highly of them to others when they can hear you. Your opinion means everything to them.

I love this, thank you!

[Anonymous]

I’m the teacher PP and I guess one more thing I would add is so much of who they are is formed by emulating you, so one of the best ways to teach them to be the kind of person you’ll hope they’ll be, is to be that person yourself. You are their first and most important teacher, forever. Do and say the things you hope they will. They are always watching and listening.

[Anonymous]

Side by side interactions are better than face to face, and stay very very steady and consistent.

[Anonymous]

I have an 11yo and feel like I’m on a rollercoaster. Thanks for the insight PPs.

[Anonymous]

—phones downstairs at night.
—more often than not they need a listening ear more than a lecture or lesson
—let them choose their path. You may want more for them, but they need to make their own mistakes
—find reasons to be together (walking the dog, running errands) even if you are just next to each other, no need to talk all the time
—don’t take things so personally
—but also don’t let them use you as a punching bag
—it’s okay to say no!!! Teens who get whatever they want are NOT happier in the long run
—make them do chores, they’ll appreciate it later when they have some knowledge and practice cleaning/cooking/organizing