sharing care responsibilities with a sibling

[Anonymous]

Hi, I am here for a gut check. I feel like my brother and I do not contribute equitably to our mom's care.

There is not so much "care" at this stage. Mom is 68 and generally healthy, but there are some time-consuming admin tasks, there is her need for companionship, there is the need to help with some expenses, and there are some decisions to be made regarding care and finances. My brother has helped her financially (and so did I to the same degree overall, but lately, I feel it's been mostly me "bridging the gap"), but he does not want to get involved in the other aspects I listed above. I live closer to mom, but a lot of the admin tasks can be completed remotely.

I am a 45-year-old female with 2 kids (elem and middle school), married, a very busy FT job, and a health issue that I am managing. It is nothing fatal, but it requires attention.

My brother is a 41-year-old male with two kids (4 and 2, one of whom has moderate SN). He is married and semi-retired (he did very well and has stepped back into a PT consultancy role; his wife works FT).

I have raised this with my brother on a couple of occasions (but he's been avoiding the subject), that we are both busy, but our mom is not only my responsibility. $$ help is great, but I do that too, equally if not more, but there are multiple admin tasks that are very time-consuming, and that I believe should be shared.

I would appreciate advice on how to have a productive conversation on sharing the admin responsibilities/the mental burden (not looking for financial or logistical advice). It is about the current responsibilities, but also setting expectations regarding future care. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Who did your mom choose?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who did your mom choose?

Not sure I understand the question. She did not choose anyone and I am not sure that’s her choice to make.

[Anonymous]

I’m a little confused as to why a relatively healthy and presumably mentally competent 68 year old has so many administrative needs. Perhaps your brother feels like you are creating more work than is necessary?

[Anonymous]

I am confused as to what care your mother needs. I am 67 and handle pretty much everything in my home. Does your mother have health issues or financial issues? Does she have friends or volunteer?

[Anonymous]

Are you and anxious person (I am so no shade)? It seems like you are worried about something that is not a problem. Your mom is young and doesn't require much. It could be 20 years from now when your mom needs help. You kids may be gone. Pick something else to focus on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, I am here for a gut check. I feel like my brother and I do not contribute equitably to our mom's care.

There is not so much "care" at this stage. Mom is 68 and generally healthy, but there are some time-consuming admin tasks, there is her need for companionship, there is the need to help with some expenses, and there are some decisions to be made regarding care and finances. My brother has helped her financially (and so did I to the same degree overall, but lately, I feel it's been mostly me "bridging the gap"), but he does not want to get involved in the other aspects I listed above. I live closer to mom, but a lot of the admin tasks can be completed remotely.

I am a 45-year-old female with 2 kids (elem and middle school), married, a very busy FT job, and a health issue that I am managing. It is nothing fatal, but it requires attention.

My brother is a 41-year-old male with two kids (4 and 2, one of whom has moderate SN). He is married and semi-retired (he did very well and has stepped back into a PT consultancy role; his wife works FT).


I have raised this with my brother on a couple of occasions (but he's been avoiding the subject), that we are both busy, but our mom is not only my responsibility. $$ help is great, but I do that too, equally if not more, but there are multiple admin tasks that are very time-consuming, and that I believe should be shared.

I would appreciate advice on how to have a productive conversation on sharing the admin responsibilities/the mental burden (not looking for financial or logistical advice). It is about the current responsibilities, but also setting expectations regarding future care. Thank you.

No one would call a mom working part time with two preschool aged kids (one with special needs) and a spouse working full time “semi-retired”. It sounds like you’re trying to oversell your brother’s availability to help out when in reality he has a ton on his plate.

Like the pp, I’m also skeptical of the “needs” you profess your mother to have. A 68 year old woman should be capable of completing most administrative tasks herself and finding companionship through socializing with friends/at senior centers etc. I would question whether you are just enabling her and fostering a dependency that is only going to get worse, and lead you to burnout when she is older and truly in need of help.

[Anonymous]

You will never be able to get him to do more in the abstract. If you need help with something now, ask. Otherwise, wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who did your mom choose?

Not sure I understand the question. She did not choose anyone and I am not sure that’s her choice to make.

I understood. I am one of five, and have always been last in my mom's estimation. I could speculate as to why but the bottom line is she has been toxic to me in a way she was not to my other siblings. At this point, she (and my dad) are quite self-sufficient (at 78, she still works at a job she picked up in her 60s after a life of being a SAHM). I am dreading when someone will look to me to be helpful to her and hope at least it will be when my kids are out of the house.

In my DH's family, the most helpful sibling is the same sibling whose mortgage and kids' tuitions are being paid by the grandparents. There is a reason why she carries more of the burden.

Parents definitely choose favorites, and it plays into who is more helpful later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who did your mom choose?

Not sure I understand the question. She did not choose anyone and I am not sure that’s her choice to make.

I understood. I am one of five, and have always been last in my mom's estimation. I could speculate as to why but the bottom line is she has been toxic to me in a way she was not to my other siblings. At this point, she (and my dad) are quite self-sufficient (at 78, she still works at a job she picked up in her 60s after a life of being a SAHM). I am dreading when someone will look to me to be helpful to her and hope at least it will be when my kids are out of the house.

In my DH's family, the most helpful sibling is the same sibling whose mortgage and kids' tuitions are being paid by the grandparents. There is a reason why she carries more of the burden.

Parents definitely choose favorites, and it plays into who is more helpful later.

Absolutely agree.

Also OP, he isn't obigated to do ANYTHING at all. Be grateful he is contributing financially.

[Anonymous]

I would think you're overestimating how much needs to be done, or not setting boundaries effectively. Lots of people can provide "companionship" so maybe your mom can make some friends. You don't have to make every problem your problem.

68 is not that old unless there is some other factor.

[Anonymous]

Ask him to do a specific thing. Such as her taxes. If you make it a big discussion about what's "equitable" he will avoid you, because he doesn't want to have that conversation. You're going to criticize him, no matter how polite you are that's how it's going to feel to him. And there's not really a polite way for him to tell you that you're doing things that don't need to be done.

It seems like he's more comfortable letting your mom fend for herself, and maybe you should be too. She could live another 30 years, right?

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree with the PPs. Unless your mom has some special factor, I think you are starting the care way too early. If she needs help financially, then fine. But administrative tasks? Companionship? These shouldn't be your jobs at this point. AND if you start them now, of course she is going to let you do them as a way to have "companionship" in the interaction about it.

I would guess your brother sees what is happening and it's going to start this soon. This will only get worse.

Basically, it sounds like you are enabling/encouraging your mother to rely on you too much.

[Anonymous]

This post is sort of jarring to me. My dad is 70 and crushes it regularly on the Peloton bike. (I ride too and can see his scores.) My mom also rides at 66. My parents would be insulted if the kids tried to help them with things.

Basically, 68 isn't that old unless she is lonely and depressed, and is finding ways to get connection through asking for help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who did your mom choose?

Not sure I understand the question. She did not choose anyone and I am not sure that’s her choice to make.

I understood. I am one of five, and have always been last in my mom's estimation. I could speculate as to why but the bottom line is she has been toxic to me in a way she was not to my other siblings. At this point, she (and my dad) are quite self-sufficient (at 78, she still works at a job she picked up in her 60s after a life of being a SAHM). I am dreading when someone will look to me to be helpful to her and hope at least it will be when my kids are out of the house.

In my DH's family, the most helpful sibling is the same sibling whose mortgage and kids' tuitions are being paid by the grandparents. There is a reason why she carries more of the burden.

Parents definitely choose favorites, and it plays into who is more helpful later.

Absolutely agree.

Also OP, he isn't obigated to do ANYTHING at all. Be grateful he is contributing financially.

Barring abuse or something, I find this attitude towards parents to be despicable. I'm not saying they have to live with you or it needs to be a situation where you are providing 24/7 care for a parent with dementia but you feel no obligation to help an aging parent at all??????

I had not a great relationship with my parents but I would not help them in whatever ways I could.