School Has Broken His Spirit and Crushed His Soul, what to do now?

[Anonymous]

Just looking for ideas of what to do. DS is 12 and diagnosed with ASD, ADHD, Anxiety and now has growing signs of depression. We've been limping along with an IEP since 1st grade and at around 3rd/4th grade there were a few glimmers of improvement, but now in 6th grade things have gone from bad to worse and he is not making progress towards *any* of his goals. Perhaps the IEP team is finally ready to consider placements. We do have an advocate. He loathes school, and is now in full shutdown mode. He goes to school but does not do any of the work, does not even take his books to class or bring his backpack home. Worse, he says he does not want us to help and does not want school to get better, in fact he wants it to get worse, so that as an adult in the future he'll be able to decry school as something that tried to ruin his life, that he became successful in spite of, not because of. It seems that this narrative is all he's got right now. My belief is that he has severe inattentive ADHD with learning disabilities. I am not sure that Autism Resource Services is right for him, as I would say he is pretty high-functioning if you take away the misery and pressure of school. He is in the process of undergoing another round of assessments through the school, but I'm pretty sure he's not going to cooperate with doing them. We just don't know what to do. I've wondered about withdrawing him, at least temporarily, for his mental health. If we get placement consideration, where would be a good place to try for, and what if he's not even accepted? I've read about Fairhaven, but it scares me a little reading here about bullying and non-supervision. Also have discovered that online schools for special needs schools exist, but worry about the lack of social interaction. Without school, he is a great kid, very funny, super observant and smart, cooperative at home, helps around the house when asked, loves to talk to us, wants to have friends, and we love him to no end. We are desperate to find a place where he can have a full reset. Unfortunately it feels like there will be a lot of layers of resentment and obstinance to peel back before he'll be able to start moving forward. We are in Montgomery County. Thank you for any ideas.

[Anonymous]

Hi. I don't home school but my younger kid had a miserable public middle school experience coming out of the pandemic. It got pretty bad. School made him frustrated to the point of tears. He was always grumpy. His friends turned on him because of his moodiness and sicced the school counselors on him because they decided wrongly that he might be dangerous to others.

Given that your son doesn't reject the idea of friendships and socializes well with you, maybe consider homeschool? Keeping out of the building might be an incentive to keep up with the online work. And maybe you can send him to enrichment classes to get out of the house regularly as well.

My child also actually made some real friends (other children, not local) through Roblox video games. That helped support him socially in 7th and 8th grade when his school friends turned on him. I know a lot of people judge but I wanted to mention this as some video games can have some positive benefits.

[Anonymous]

Some kids just can't tolerate school. Middle school is especially bad. If I were you I would homeschool with the help of an online program and also make sure he participates in several social activities such as a sport, club, homeschool group or whatever. That is all the socializing he really needs.

I worked in public school special ed for many years, I've seen it all, and I would definitely not continue to subject my kid to such a negative experience given that everything you describe is true.

[Anonymous]

My kid is older and in the upper years of HS and still says his school and the pressure everyone put on him made him miserable. For years I pushed with 504/IEP and the worse it got because he felt like everyone was too on him. We ended up pulling him from public school for virtual and now he does that with a combination of classes at NVCC. He’s been much better but it’s definitely had downsides and finding ways to get him social and out was a struggle. I wouldn’t suggest this for a middle school kid who’s too young to get a job unless they are heavily involved in social things outside of school.

[Anonymous]

Sorry your son is having hard time. Things were similar for mine. We changed schools in middle school and it made a high difference. DC got a reset. We also got tutors and help privately which was much better and more helpful than what DC got at school and helped with confidence. For us a lot of the issue was the school- they were awful. A new school and creating our own resources made a world of difference. Adhd medicine (innatentive too) really helped. Sorry that you are going through this- it is hard.

[Anonymous]

Can you afford private? My DD only has adhd but is in 6th in a small private with small class sizes and is doing really well.
What does your advocate suggest?

[Anonymous]

Your son sounds exactly like mine - also in 6th grade and also severe ADHD. He also has dyslexia. Public MCPS middle school has been terrible for him. At home, he is happier, outgoing, helps around the house, etc. It is school that makes him miserable and he refuses to do any work while at school. We cannot afford private school, unfortunately, but we are going to try an educational advocate to see if anything can improve for him in the current setting.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been in your shoes with my middle child, who has since graduated from HS thanks to Covid and forced alternative forms of education, especially for kids with IEPs.

I think if you are hoping for an alternative placement you should look around and figure out what that might be because your child is likely going to have a tough time getting accepted into one and you will likely have to be very Instrumental in finding one if you are given an alternative placement. Home schooling or unschooling might be good alternatives to consider. I’m less familiar with unschooling but one of my friends whose child was similar to yours and mine had great success and their child is now in college.

Also I’d be looking into the mental health treatment he’s getting because it might not be optimal given what you’re describing.

I’d be asking how my kid intends to adult if they are not going to accept education and see if you can get some direction from the answers you get.

Finally, just a warning. Kids like mine (and while I think yours and mine have significant similarities I won’t lump your kid into this) are at real risk for drugs, overdosing and suicide attempts. I’ve been through all of this repeatedly though we have reached the other side.

kids like ours are a lot more work for parents than others will ever understand. Don’t let yourself believe for a second that the school alone can help your child be successful and be careful about how much you are relying on them and not yourself for the end result.

[Anonymous]

Can you homeschool or hire a governess or have him join a pod of 4-5 students plus a teacher. Like a micro school?

My MIL quit her job to help her youngest son through school. That said he is now age 40 and still living at home cycling through jobs.

[Anonymous]

I know a lot of people on this board diss it, but my kid hated school and was seriously depressed, and Fusion Academy has been great for my kid. If you can afford it, it could be a place for your kid to get one on one attention and build back confidence and love of learning. My kid has been at Fusion for three years and though it is quite expensive, it has been a total life saver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you homeschool or hire a governess or have him join a pod of 4-5 students plus a teacher. Like a micro school?

My MIL quit her job to help her youngest son through school. That said he is now age 40 and still living at home cycling through jobs.

Governess…lol…is this 1824? I’m sure there is a foggy town in the Cotswolds with a 22 year old spinster ready to embark on this adventure to find a wealthy, yet tortured widower to marry…I mean teach your kids.

For real - did homeschool for a year due to similar issues. Mix of virtual program, tutor, and enrichment via activities. Also did a lot of the online meet ups for video games and special interests which helped.

Moved to a small private once the dust settled. It wasn’t easy but did give time to reset and figure out a better approach.

[Anonymous]

I withdrew my DC in 7th grade and did modestly structured homeschooling with some tutors, online courses, independent projects, and a homeschool co-op. We tried school again for high school (a small private) but after two years, went back to homeschooling and gradually included more community college classes each semester. One thing I will caution is to strongly limit access to electronics during “school time.” We didn’t do this at first because we wanted a decompression time after the stress of trying to get through middle school and it was very difficult to scale it back so that school work got accomplished. If I could do it over again, I would have established strong limits from the beginning.

[Anonymous]

Could you pay for private or homeschool if the school doesn't place him somewhere else? He sounds truly miserable. I'm sorry you are going through this.

[Anonymous]

OP, did the school do any psycho-educational testing? Why do they think it's going so badly? What does the school counselor say? Don't let them off the hook without clear and substantive explanations - it's their job to know why it's not working and to propose what they think will work.

The overall answer is that IEP supports and placement are not right for him.

Is your child working with any private specialist? Psychologist could be very helpful in this situation. Please get your child supports - 6 years is a long time to be limping like this.

[Anonymous]

bump