School Has Broken His Spirit and Crushed His Soul, what to do now?

[Anonymous]

My son is similar, and finding the right meds helped a lot. We tried the ADHD meds first, and they helped with focus. However, around puberty we had a ton of anxiety and after one terrible summer, he started sertraline. Now that he’s been on it a while we almost never have a bad episode. He still doesn’t love school, but he can get through it even though he still needs a lot of nagging to do schoolwork.

[Anonymous]

What about the Nora School or Parkmont? They’re made for kids like this.

[Anonymous]

KTS?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, the only thing that worked for us is moving. We took our DC (anxiety, ADHD, dyslexia, dysgraphia) out of DC to the midwest. The school is amazing and they are finally thriving. Literally thriving because they are in their perfect environment. I understand that no everyone is able to do a move like that, but our kid was drowning at FCPS. Major school avoidance, low self esteem, high anxiety, not making any progress, etc. Now they are thrilled to go to school, the self confidence is soaring and there's talk about moving them up a grade level for math.

Yes it is a private, but even at that not all public schools are alike. We've found the smaller, midwest public schools also provide far better accommodations. Another new family to our neighborhood have a child who has autism and often elopes. After coming to this public school they no longer even attempt to elope. They enjoy school too much and are doing incredibly well. If you can move further away from the city to a smaller public school pyramid that actually helps kids who need accommodations run there! I wish I knew of some in the DC area off hand.

Where is this amazing Midwest school?

Marburn Academy. Again it's just about finding the perfect fit for your kiddo. Smaller publics are great options too.

[Anonymous]

What are his interests?

What do you think he'd like to do with his days if school didn't exist?

My suggestion: Lean into those answers, whatever they are. Find what lights up your kid and do more of it. Don't be afraid to remove him from the system. Lots of well-meaning individuals work very hard -- in ways that don't serve our children, unfortunately.

It sounds like you know, deep down, that school is causing him harm. I'm so very sorry this is true -- it was true for us, too. It is ok, therefore, to withdraw him -- even if you don't know what's next.

Let him breathe.

He's not learning anyway.

Let him heal.

You can "homeschool" for quite a while without doing much of anything before the county gives you a hard time. (ask me how I know lol.)

Trust your instincts: He *will* learn, and he will THRIVE -- and part of that will be because his parent wasn't too afraid to protect him when he needed protecting.

It gets better. It WILL get better.

He is wonderful just as he is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are his interests?

What do you think he'd like to do with his days if school didn't exist?

My suggestion: Lean into those answers, whatever they are. Find what lights up your kid and do more of it. Don't be afraid to remove him from the system. Lots of well-meaning individuals work very hard -- in ways that don't serve our children, unfortunately.

It sounds like you know, deep down, that school is causing him harm. I'm so very sorry this is true -- it was true for us, too. It is ok, therefore, to withdraw him -- even if you don't know what's next.

Let him breathe.

He's not learning anyway.

Let him heal.


You can "homeschool" for quite a while without doing much of anything before the county gives you a hard time. (ask me how I know lol.)

Trust your instincts: He *will* learn, and he will THRIVE -- and part of that will be because his parent wasn't too afraid to protect him when he needed protecting.

It gets better. It WILL get better.

He is wonderful just as he is.

I second this poster. Also want to add that all this probably feels overwhelming to you as a parent - and it will take more of your time and energy. But I would argue that it is better to put in the time now and help him get back to healthy and happy than it is to keep doing the same thing that's not working and end up with a severely depressed and/or suicidal kid (speaking from experience here), which will be even harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are his interests?

What do you think he'd like to do with his days if school didn't exist?

My suggestion: Lean into those answers, whatever they are. Find what lights up your kid and do more of it. Don't be afraid to remove him from the system. Lots of well-meaning individuals work very hard -- in ways that don't serve our children, unfortunately.

It sounds like you know, deep down, that school is causing him harm. I'm so very sorry this is true -- it was true for us, too. It is ok, therefore, to withdraw him -- even if you don't know what's next.

Let him breathe.

He's not learning anyway.

Let him heal.

You can "homeschool" for quite a while without doing much of anything before the county gives you a hard time. (ask me how I know lol.)

Trust your instincts: He *will* learn, and he will THRIVE -- and part of that will be because his parent wasn't too afraid to protect him when he needed protecting.

It gets better. It WILL get better.

He is wonderful just as he is.

OP here, thank you for this. It may come to this and I truly hope I am that brave parent you are describing!

[Anonymous]

We homeschooled for a year due to covid and being in the midst of diagnosis. When you're working with your kid one on one you need far less time to "teach". You can also take advantage of activities like Root Beer Float science (learning molecules). There's some great homeschooling groups in the area as well as homeschool activities you can signup for. Your kid will still get socialization and you can work on the confidence. Taekwondo is another great way to build confidence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are his interests?

What do you think he'd like to do with his days if school didn't exist?

My suggestion: Lean into those answers, whatever they are. Find what lights up your kid and do more of it. Don't be afraid to remove him from the system. Lots of well-meaning individuals work very hard -- in ways that don't serve our children, unfortunately.

It sounds like you know, deep down, that school is causing him harm. I'm so very sorry this is true -- it was true for us, too. It is ok, therefore, to withdraw him -- even if you don't know what's next.

Let him breathe.

He's not learning anyway.

Let him heal.

You can "homeschool" for quite a while without doing much of anything before the county gives you a hard time. (ask me how I know lol.)

Trust your instincts: He *will* learn, and he will THRIVE -- and part of that will be because his parent wasn't too afraid to protect him when he needed protecting.

It gets better. It WILL get better.

He is wonderful just as he is.

OP here, thank you for this. It may come to this and I truly hope I am that brave parent you are describing!

You are. That's why you posted here

Your answer is in your question: There are so many ways you could have written your post, but you led with "School Has Broken His Spirit and Crushed His Soul."

And we can't have that, can we?

I think that the other crucial bit is for this to be a conversation with your child.

Most crucially, he needs seen and heard and acknowledged. Be real with him. If he seems to be in pain, tell him that you see that. Tell him you are here to protect and guide him, and that you don't know exactly what that's gonna look like at the moment, but you will find a path together. A lot of good is in store for him -- and you're here to help.

Beyond that, invite him into the process of "what next." It could be at the level of fantasy, if he's freer to hope and dream outside of the "real world": What does he wish for himself? If he could wave a magic wand, what would his days be like? What would he see, where would he go, what would he learn to do?

In the meantime, something that has helped me and my kids: When the going gets tough, focus on "the next necessary thing." Sometimes it might mean taking a breath, sometimes it's taking your chromebook and charging it, sometimes it's answering the next question. Sometimes that means getting a drink of water, or if you've been crying, grabbing some tissues.

Often it's tissues

Hang in there. And remember:

You, too, are wonderful just as you are

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have resigned ourselves to never retiring, but we're paying for special needs private. It saved our kid's life.

in the same boat. I see you. Sending good vibes.

thanks so much. It helps knowing there are others. I have a lot of grief about a lot of things, but I know it's all for the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are his interests?

What do you think he'd like to do with his days if school didn't exist?

My suggestion: Lean into those answers, whatever they are. Find what lights up your kid and do more of it. Don't be afraid to remove him from the system. Lots of well-meaning individuals work very hard -- in ways that don't serve our children, unfortunately.

It sounds like you know, deep down, that school is causing him harm. I'm so very sorry this is true -- it was true for us, too. It is ok, therefore, to withdraw him -- even if you don't know what's next.

Let him breathe.

He's not learning anyway.

Let him heal.

You can "homeschool" for quite a while without doing much of anything before the county gives you a hard time. (ask me how I know lol.)

Trust your instincts: He *will* learn, and he will THRIVE -- and part of that will be because his parent wasn't too afraid to protect him when he needed protecting.

It gets better. It WILL get better.

He is wonderful just as he is.

OP here, thank you for this. It may come to this and I truly hope I am that brave parent you are describing!

You are. That's why you posted here

Your answer is in your question: There are so many ways you could have written your post, but you led with "School Has Broken His Spirit and Crushed His Soul."

And we can't have that, can we?

I think that the other crucial bit is for this to be a conversation with your child.

Most crucially, he needs seen and heard and acknowledged. Be real with him. If he seems to be in pain, tell him that you see that. Tell him you are here to protect and guide him, and that you don't know exactly what that's gonna look like at the moment, but you will find a path together. A lot of good is in store for him -- and you're here to help.

Beyond that, invite him into the process of "what next." It could be at the level of fantasy, if he's freer to hope and dream outside of the "real world": What does he wish for himself? If he could wave a magic wand, what would his days be like? What would he see, where would he go, what would he learn to do?

In the meantime, something that has helped me and my kids: When the going gets tough, focus on "the next necessary thing." Sometimes it might mean taking a breath, sometimes it's taking your chromebook and charging it, sometimes it's answering the next question. Sometimes that means getting a drink of water, or if you've been crying, grabbing some tissues.

Often it's tissues

Hang in there. And remember:

You, too, are wonderful just as you are

Not OP but love this. The whole purpose of this forum is to support each other. Thank you for the positivity.

[Anonymous]

I can really related to this. I remember saying to my child’s pediatrician that school is damaging her and it was such a wake up call to me.
I would have a real discussion with advocate and possibly an attorney regarding possible placement. If it is unlikely or will take a year to happen, I would really take him out of school. He isn’t learning anything right now. You know your child best in terms of what he needs. Does he need a place and purpose or does he need to rest and recover. I would work toward that goal and then after that figure out your next step. There are so many things that you can do that are nontraditional. We used Fusion for a bit and it was a successful experience. We also did one to one virtual tutoring for awhile with parental homeschooling. Granted, I don’t work and fortunately we have resources. We also do therapy and physical fitness during the day so my child’s day is completely non traditional but she is somewhat whole again.
Truly, the education doesn’t matter until potentially high school and even then, your child’s mental health trumps any high school class.
Like the above poster said, let him heal. And you will heal too. I wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

To OP and other struggling posters, we had a different set of dx but with the soul crushing. We did private to give kid a break and now they are excited to go back to public for high school. It was great being in a private b/c they figured out how he learned and also gave the opportunities to try all types of different accommodations and styles of delivering assignments. So we know what to ask for during the IEP process. Which I dread but that's another tread.

Yes, it's expensive but watching my child bloom like a flower was worth it as was finding what worked. And it's not too late for next year. The SN schools know we all struggle with this stuff and oftne rotate entry.

[Anonymous]

Humans need work and purpose, but school lacks both for many kids. I second the PP's who said you need to talk with your son and find out what work or purpose might appeal to him. Does he love being outdoors? What about computers and coding? What excites him? Does he have hobbies? Music, dance, sports? We have a DD with ADHD and anxiety and we had a very rough middle school experience (even at a smallish K-8 private), but we kept up her hobbies which had two benefits: it got her with a different set of kids and it gave her something to do and think about other than how miserable she was. The feeling that people were relying on her was incredibly important to her getting through this rough period.

She's a senior in HS now and college-bound, but there were sure moments there I didn't know if that could happen for her. The school decision may be the toughest, but my advice is to lean into his interests HARD to see if you can spark some general motivation in him to see life can be OK.