What do you call this?
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Anonymous
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If there are two tasks that need to be done, my husband will always - ALWAYS - default to the one that doesn’t involve the kids. My husband is cheerfully puttering around cleaning the kitchen after leisurely making Sunday dinner, while I serve as the jungle gym for my two toddlers all evening. When I try to point it out, he acts “hurt” and asks if he’s not pulling his weight and that he’s just trying to ensure I get to spend as much time as possible with the kids.
How do I get to be the person who puts their headphones in and takes the trash out in peace? Sort of laughing but also annoyed. |
Anonymous
| You say "I'm doing the dishes, you get the kids bathed etc." Or you make a schedule, where you do it on certain days and he does it other days. |
Anonymous
| Tell him "yes, and I want to make sure YOU get to spend time with the kids as well. So let's switch!" and then get up and walk into the kitchen. |
Anonymous
| I would prefer to take the kids. Maybe he thinks he’s doing you a favor. Don’t offer a choice if you have a preference. |
Anonymous
| We alternate nights. One person cleans up the kitchen/gets started folding clean laundry while the other does the bedtime routine with the kids. Not sure what it is called when one person always picks one or the other. Just talk him about it. |
Anonymous
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My husband does this, too, OP. My kids are a little bit older though. I agree with PPs that you just have to assign it to him -- "hey, I want to clean the kitchen tonight while you take on bath duty." I'd also be explicit and tell him that you need a break from kid duty and would like to swap for the non-kid tasks more often.
It does get a little easier as they get older and need less hands-on help with stuff (and yes, I recognize that it sucks that women wind up doing more of the hands on parenting when kids are young, largely because men are not socialized and encouraged to do that kind of parenting, and like our husbands, will try to avoid it). But at least it's good to know it evens out a bit as they get older. Another thing I recommend is that as they age, look for more kid-focused tasks for him to have ownership of. A lot of men feel more comfortable being the one in charge of getting kids to and from activities, or supervising homework, than stuff like bath time or helping a toddler get dressed. The stuff you do with older kids is often what men imagine when they think of being a parent, not changing diapers, giving baths, toilet training, etc. Again, I think this has to do with the way men are socialized -- they are not raised to think about caretaking the way women are, and so it is their own memories of being parented that they focus on (which are necessarily for older kids as most people remember little before age 6 or 7). |
Anonymous
| Maybe he doesn't think everything you do needs doing. |
Anonymous
Clear communication of what you want. If you don't enjoy kids, say so. In his mind this is probably a default moms prefer. |
Anonymous
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It’s called being default parent. He’s helping around the house but making you default parent.
Agree that clear communication is the answer. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like he has a low tolerance for kids that age. You can force the issue and maybe he will find some value in interacting with toddlers and maybe he won't. If you both view kid time as a chore you would like to avoid I feel for the kids. I hope it gets better as they get older. |
Anonymous
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Yup, be very, very direct. “I am going to make x for dinner next Sunday, it will take a while to make & I’ll clean up after. I’d like you to be on kid duty during that time.”
Of course, that may mean he plants them in front of the TV or an iPad for a few hrs, so you need to be ok with that. |
Anonymous
| Deadbeat. |
Anonymous
| You both need to have more open conversation |
Anonymous
Agree explicit is the key, though I would argue that it would not be okay for one parent to always punt to screen time during their "on duty" time because unless the parents have collectively decided unlimited screen time is okay, this likely takes away every using screens to get a break for the other parent. I used to schedule certain cleaning tasks that only I do for Saturday morning, and have my DH take kids to activities or the playground while I did them. It would be stuff like cleaning floors, organizing, and washing sheets/making bed, that can be hard to do with kids underfoot. It would get them out of the house early in the day doing something active, I'd put on music I like and do my cleaning and then take a shower. Then we'd all reunite for lunch and a family active in the afternoon. I actually DO think this was good for DH and the kids, to force them to have regular one on one time without me present (and if DH wants to stare at his phone the whole time at the playground, that's his business). And since I was doing an activity that benefited everyone, he really could not complain. It helped that those are cleaning activities I actually enjoy and find satisfying too -- I like vigorous deep cleaning, it's like a really productive workout. |
Anonymous
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My DH and I would swap chores as needed and eventually found an equilibrium we are happy with:
Over time, we discovered that I have more time than he does to cook, I don’t like doing dishes, and like spending the time with the kids; he likes dishwashing for reasons unknown. And so I cook, he cleans, I get the kids in bed. It took trial and error to find what works for us. So maybe be patient and experiment with who does what. |