Does SAHM make a difference during infant years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We talk about SAHM vs WOHM like it's some kind of dichotomy, but it really isn't.


When my first was born, DH was working 60-70 hours/wk, and I was working 50-60. It was NOT working. I remember reading articles and going to message boards to see how women did it. I eventually realized that the "being a working mom is wonderful" articles/posts were NOT from women in my position, but from women who were working PT or had a spouse who had a very flexible schedule or was a SAHD.

I have found, in my own family, in my circle, and reflected back on the internet, that most families do best when both parents, combined, work 80 hours or less every week. Whether that's two 40 hour jobs, or one person working PT while the other works a more demanding schedule, or one parent staying at home while the other works depends on circumstances.

Now, DH works 50-60 hours/wk, I work 15-30 hours/wk, and we are all much happier.

+1 My choice to stay home was strongly influenced by regularly seeing my coworker calling her husband and begging him to try to keep the baby awake so she could see him when she got home. Our job was a lot of hours + a commute. Looking for a new, flexible, FT job while pg seemed daunting. Instead, I was able to set up some freelancing work and happily did that through two babies and had no trouble finding a FT job ( decent, flexible hours with ability to regularly with at home) when my youngest started school.

You were smarter than I was, pp.
My DH was never guaranteed to be available for daycare pickup (surgery resident), so every day I remember rushing to get out by 6pm so that I could get to the daycare before it closed at 6:30. All of the things I enjoyed about my job were severely diminished by my need to get everything done as quickly and efficiently as possible.

It didn’t hit me until I had a month where I go out at 4:00 every day, and I realized that over half of the kids at the daycare were already gone by 4:30.

So, they got there in the morning, had breakfast, played outside, had a morning nap, played a little more, lunch, afternoon nap, and home.
It wasn’t like my child who was there 10+ hours/day.

[Anonymous]

Nothing has ever made me feel more confident in my decision to say home with my child for the first few years than the absolute viciousness of moms on this website towards SAHMs. A lot of angry, resentful, insecure people on here attacking anyone who actually wanted to or enjoyed staying home with their kids for any length of time. If going straight back to work after leave and sending your child to daycare or leaving them with a nanny were so great, why would people be so mean about people who did something different?

There are downsides to being a SAHM, I've experienced them. But I've never regretted that choice, either for me or my kid. I think we both got value out of it. But there are so many posters on here who are angrily trying to prove that it's a "bad" choice and you have to ask yourself why.

[Anonymous]

Define “make a difference”. Are you talking about educational job outcomes of the kids when they are older? Or about quality of family life? Or ??? Know what you want to measure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who talk about baby’s brain development- is it possible that one could (inadvertently) cause their baby to have ADHD?

yes, I would like to know the answer to this.

Sorry, I don't understand this. How could staying home or not cause ADHD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assuming you are a relatively normal, decent person, you have a lot of love for your baby, and you like the idea of spending time with an infant, I would say your baby will definitely benefit from having a SAHP during the infant and young toddler years. You mention brain development which is obviously important but an equally if not more important factor is emotional health and development. Spending the early years with someone who loves them more than anything is really good for babies. It's a launch pad for a healthy childhood once they are pre-school age and helps insure a good transition to non-parent care. There are some here who will argue with this but I think it's pretty hard to refute.

This is absolutely laughable! Only a parent can love your baby?! What a sad, limited world you live in.

A paid caregiver does not love the baby the same way that a parent does. You can tell yourself that they do, but they do not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who talk about baby’s brain development- is it possible that one could (inadvertently) cause their baby to have ADHD?

yes, I would like to know the answer to this.

Sorry, I don't understand this. How could staying home or not cause ADHD?

Well if you're one of those not so bright moms that props your baby/toddler in front of the TV all day, that has been linked to ADHD.
Some paid caregivers do this as well. But daycare centers do not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing that influenced my decision to SAH was that on my maternity leave I was around nannies a lot and many of them were mediocre at best. I remember going to story times at the library and the majority of nannies just ignored the kids (and the people from the library) and stared at their phones or chatted with one another, rather than engage with the kids during the story time. Same at parks and playgrounds. It wasn’t everyone — there were some engaged nannies. But most were bored and inattentive.

When I read the posts on here but everyone’s amazing nannies... I’m sure some people really did have great nannies who engaged your children and cared for them in a really attentive way. But IME that’s not how most nannies are. It was very obvious to me that I was way more focused on my child’s well being than most of the nannies I encountered were on that of the kids they were with. And particularly for children under 18 months (at which point they are fully mobile and not only can handle more independence but need it) there’s no question that a child benefits from being with a truly living and attentive caregiver.

I will say that the most engaged caregivers I encountered during my leave and SAHM days were the grandmas. Even more than most moms, who also get bored and stare at their phones a lot. If that’s an option for you, I’d seize it!

This is so true. I guarantee you that most of the moms on here raving about their "amazing nannies" have no idea what goes on during the day.

[Anonymous]

I went back to work after having my first. I never thought I would be a SAHM. The thing is, after I became a mom, it felt really weird for me to try to go back to my old life. My priorities had completely shifted and I wanted my daily life to reflect that.

When I was at work, there were long periods in which I would not even think about my child. That is to be expected but it felt weird and jarring to me as a new mother. Before we had a baby, when I got home from work, I'd veg out and relax - watch tv, take a long shower, scroll social media, whatever. This need to relax didn't suddenly go away after having a child. But when I would pick the baby up and bring him home, he needed attention, food, a bath, etc. and I often felt like I didn't have energy for this. I never got time just to myself anymore.

So for these reasons, I ended up quitting when our second child was born and have been home since then.

[Anonymous]

It's funny that everyone talks about the importance of SAHM during the baby years but, really, when you think about it, it makes sense that it would be more impactful on the elementary-teen years. That's when they're turning into real people who make choices that will impact the rest of their lives.

Of course, there's the issue of what to do during the day while they are at school but if you are lucky and thoughtful about how you set up your career, you'll have an option to work part time or just during school hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing that influenced my decision to SAH was that on my maternity leave I was around nannies a lot and many of them were mediocre at best. I remember going to story times at the library and the majority of nannies just ignored the kids (and the people from the library) and stared at their phones or chatted with one another, rather than engage with the kids during the story time. Same at parks and playgrounds. It wasn’t everyone — there were some engaged nannies. But most were bored and inattentive.

When I read the posts on here but everyone’s amazing nannies... I’m sure some people really did have great nannies who engaged your children and cared for them in a really attentive way. But IME that’s not how most nannies are. It was very obvious to me that I was way more focused on my child’s well being than most of the nannies I encountered were on that of the kids they were with. And particularly for children under 18 months (at which point they are fully mobile and not only can handle more independence but need it) there’s no question that a child benefits from being with a truly living and attentive caregiver.

I will say that the most engaged caregivers I encountered during my leave and SAHM days were the grandmas. Even more than most moms, who also get bored and stare at their phones a lot. If that’s an option for you, I’d seize it!

This is so true. I guarantee you that most of the moms on here raving about their "amazing nannies" have no idea what goes on during the day.

No, I know what goes on during the day with our amazing nanny. I’ve always worked from home and have watched her with our kids. I see the fun they have and know that my oldest is far, far ahead of his milestones and has an amazing vocabulary. Even WOH parents hear from other parents and neighbors about their nannies.

You can guarantee nothing, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's funny that everyone talks about the importance of SAHM during the baby years but, really, when you think about it, it makes sense that it would be more impactful on the elementary-teen years. That's when they're turning into real people who make choices that will impact the rest of their lives.

Of course, there's the issue of what to do during the day while they are at school but if you are lucky and thoughtful about how you set up your career, you'll have an option to work part time or just during school hours.

I think my issue with this is that while teens need a ton of support, I don’t find it that challenging to provide it while working. Maybe if I had some 60-80hr a week job it would fell hard. But teens basically have their own workday with school, activities, and homework. Supporting a teen is more like supporting a spouse — you dedicate time to them, eat meals with them, keep open lines of communication, listen and respect, etc. But I don’t need to quit my job to be available 24/7 because they don’t need me 24/7.

And if you are working PT or during school hours, you’re a working mom. Work is work. You just have a more flexible, less demanding job. But you aren’t a SAHM.

Babies/toddlers are totally different. They really do need 24/7 care. So of course most people who just SAHM for a few years do it then. It really is when they need you *most*.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing that influenced my decision to SAH was that on my maternity leave I was around nannies a lot and many of them were mediocre at best. I remember going to story times at the library and the majority of nannies just ignored the kids (and the people from the library) and stared at their phones or chatted with one another, rather than engage with the kids during the story time. Same at parks and playgrounds. It wasn’t everyone — there were some engaged nannies. But most were bored and inattentive.

When I read the posts on here but everyone’s amazing nannies... I’m sure some people really did have great nannies who engaged your children and cared for them in a really attentive way. But IME that’s not how most nannies are. It was very obvious to me that I was way more focused on my child’s well being than most of the nannies I encountered were on that of the kids they were with. And particularly for children under 18 months (at which point they are fully mobile and not only can handle more independence but need it) there’s no question that a child benefits from being with a truly living and attentive caregiver.

I will say that the most engaged caregivers I encountered during my leave and SAHM days were the grandmas. Even more than most moms, who also get bored and stare at their phones a lot. If that’s an option for you, I’d seize it!

How did you know these unengaged women were nannies? Because they were Brown?

For the record, our wonderful nanny is 65 and white. Everyone things she’s my child’s grandmother.

My experience in story time and music class with my kids is that it’s the mothers who are talking to each other constantly, ignoring their kids, or on their phones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing that influenced my decision to SAH was that on my maternity leave I was around nannies a lot and many of them were mediocre at best. I remember going to story times at the library and the majority of nannies just ignored the kids (and the people from the library) and stared at their phones or chatted with one another, rather than engage with the kids during the story time. Same at parks and playgrounds. It wasn’t everyone — there were some engaged nannies. But most were bored and inattentive.

When I read the posts on here but everyone’s amazing nannies... I’m sure some people really did have great nannies who engaged your children and cared for them in a really attentive way. But IME that’s not how most nannies are. It was very obvious to me that I was way more focused on my child’s well being than most of the nannies I encountered were on that of the kids they were with. And particularly for children under 18 months (at which point they are fully mobile and not only can handle more independence but need it) there’s no question that a child benefits from being with a truly living and attentive caregiver.

I will say that the most engaged caregivers I encountered during my leave and SAHM days were the grandmas. Even more than most moms, who also get bored and stare at their phones a lot. If that’s an option for you, I’d seize it!

This is so true. I guarantee you that most of the moms on here raving about their "amazing nannies" have no idea what goes on during the day.

No, I know what goes on during the day with our amazing nanny. I’ve always worked from home and have watched her with our kids. I see the fun they have and know that my oldest is far, far ahead of his milestones and has an amazing vocabulary. Even WOH parents hear from other parents and neighbors about their nannies.

You can guarantee nothing, PP.

Not PP, but you really can’t speak to the point because you are working at home do you actually see your nanny. Sounds like you have a great one. But the point is that there are LOTS of unengaged, bare minimum nannies around, and if you spend any time around playgrounds, libraries, or other places babies/toddlers tend to be, you’ve seen them. Those nannies have to work for someone. Maybe they are more engaged or attentive at home or when the parents can see. But there is no question that many parents are paying nannies who are pretty middling at their jobs— kids are safe and fed, but are definitely not getting what I would consider an appropriate level of adult interaction and just plain old kindness. Your nanny might be great, but not all nannies are great. I’d roughly estimate it at 10-20% are fantastic, and the rest are a mixed bag.

[Anonymous]

I’m a SAHM, the only one I know, and I would describe my infant care as good. I think there are a lot of settings where the baby would be fine, but I do appreciate all of the extra time. My DH is working from home, and he gets to pop out and see her during the day. I think that would be my ideal - working from home (with a door) and a nanny. That’s kind of what we have except I am the nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing that influenced my decision to SAH was that on my maternity leave I was around nannies a lot and many of them were mediocre at best. I remember going to story times at the library and the majority of nannies just ignored the kids (and the people from the library) and stared at their phones or chatted with one another, rather than engage with the kids during the story time. Same at parks and playgrounds. It wasn’t everyone — there were some engaged nannies. But most were bored and inattentive.

When I read the posts on here but everyone’s amazing nannies... I’m sure some people really did have great nannies who engaged your children and cared for them in a really attentive way. But IME that’s not how most nannies are. It was very obvious to me that I was way more focused on my child’s well being than most of the nannies I encountered were on that of the kids they were with. And particularly for children under 18 months (at which point they are fully mobile and not only can handle more independence but need it) there’s no question that a child benefits from being with a truly living and attentive caregiver.

I will say that the most engaged caregivers I encountered during my leave and SAHM days were the grandmas. Even more than most moms, who also get bored and stare at their phones a lot. If that’s an option for you, I’d seize it!

How did you know these unengaged women were nannies? Because they were Brown?

For the record, our wonderful nanny is 65 and white. Everyone things she’s my child’s grandmother.

My experience in story time and music class with my kids is that it’s the mothers who are talking to each other constantly, ignoring their kids, or on their phones.

Lol, yes of course w can spot the nannies. The 55 year old Eritrean lady taking care of little Olivia and baby Theo is a nanny. That’s not racist, it’s common sense.

It’s weird that you are so proud if your white nanny.

Yes, lots of moms talk to each other and look at their phones during story time. Some don’t. That’s beside the point. The question is whether every nanny is an amazing caregiver and the answer is that no, of course not. Some are and some are not. But by the way the WOH moms on this thread are talking, all nannies are amazing. But it’s more like a small percent. And that’s one reason some women, who really want their kid to get that highly engaged and living caregiver, might choose to SAHM instead of rolling the dice.