Anonymous wrote:Apologies in advance for the length.... I'm sharing my experience, which feels to me SO 'mild' by comparison to the strength and courage shared here, so that others who may be feeling 'guilty because my story isn't anywhere near as hard as others have shared' will remember that ANY pain can take you to your knees and that we don't measure suffering by its causes but rather by what steps we can take to survive it.
Last year within the course of four months:
*DH's alcoholism ratcheted up to a point where he endangered DC physically and emotionally. Verbal abuse and gaslighting, never previously a part of our marriage or his addiction, made the ugliest kind of debut and I began making plans to separate, given multiple interventions and his multiple failed attempts to achieve sobriety.
*DC was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and severe anxiety disorder and was cutting and grappling with suicidal ideation; ultimately, I knew and doctors mandated not to leave her alone under any circumstances with the exception of when she was at school, yet was counseled against hospitalization.
*My mother (who is very mentally ill and emotionally and verbally abusive to me, my father, DH, and DC and has been for years) was diagnosed with heart failure and COPD. I had to become her primary caregiver for a brief period of time, including essentially moving into the hospital with her (this was pre DC's diagnoses).
*I was diagnosed with a non-life-threatening but debilitating and degenerative neurological condition; underwent a failed procedure designed to alleviate some of the condition's pain and to delay some of the deterioration; was sent for multiple tests as well as the ER for cardiac issues; had hypertension that medications couldn't control; and was clearly on the road to termination at my workplace (while being told 'you'll be fine, just do your best, we have your back' as I simultaneously was given more and more tasks that were both improbable for a 'functional' employee and impossible for me at the time, although I continued to do my best -- in hindsight, of course, that 'best' was nowhere near what the organization or I needed and did more harm than good, at least to me).
And yet, a year later:
*DH has achieved sobriety which he has maintained for over a year.
*DC is doing reasonably well with medication management and therapy and has enrolled in a new school at which she is thriving, after being counseled out of her previous school in the midst of some of the 'annus horribilus'
*My mother (while still very ill and very abusive) is better and her conditions are managed effectively for now.
*While I was essentially terminated from my job, I came to see it as a gift of sorts, since my medical condition has continued to spiral and I would only have done serious damage to myself (and frankly my family, and undoubtedly the organization, albeit unwittingly) if I'd continued.
What helped me get through the bleakness?
*Being able to read, including non-fiction, which has always helped me with perspective and which helps me get 'away' from myself at points
*Having access to excellent medical care, including psychiatric and therapeutic care for DC, DH, and myself, including great health insurance and solid financial resources, even without my job
*Remembering the 'parable' "Footsteps" (which is not for everyone, and is an entirely individual perspective - I share because in my case it helped)
*Having my own history of mental illness (eating disorders and concomitant depression including 4 psychiatric hospitalizations before age 20) and having survived that very tough time -- reminding me I would find the strength to survive
*Having experience with close friends' and my mother's alcoholism and recovery, hence knowing the gift of sobriety and the hope it could hold for DH, a double-edged sword, of course, because I also could be an 'expert' in enabling/codependence -- not healthy
*And finally, having DCUM. Sure, I get that 'it's a forum of strangers and more than a few trolls and nothing takes the place of friends and family and support groups and, and, and'. But for me, and I mean this with all my heart, DCUM helped me keep some perspective in ways that really let me tie a knot and hang on. My own physical condition plus DC's needs restrict me from attending local meetings and support groups in person and I'd lost and let go of many friendships through the years. Further, we'd moved away from DC and all family/friends relatively recently, so I felt isolated, especially since DH was a functional alcoholic and I was enabling the facade, including not sharing our situation with anyone in our new state. But throughout everything, I never stopped reading DCUM. At the lowest of times, I posted a couple of threads. The advice, support, encouragement other posters gave me really carried me through what felt like a mini-personal-hell.
As an illustration of what DCUM gave me, at one point, I even reached out through Website Feedback because I was feeling so alone and couldn't remember/find my earlier posts and responses, and I knew the care that had been present was a gift that could lift me up. Jeff responded right away; re-reading helped; and so did knowing that there were 'real people' on the other side of the inter-verse and country...sometimes you need the gift of anonymity along with the assurance of humanity.
I know that I will face harder times in the years ahead, and I hope that by then I will have found in-person supports and friendships that can help. I also hope, though, that DCUM will always offer some level of hope and help for those who need it, when they need it, without taking the place of crucial services including and especially for those struggling with depression and most emphatically for those considering harming themselves. For those who have been brave enough to share their struggles, their tragedies, their heartbreaks in this thread, thank you for sharing your story and for modeling your courage. And thanks to all, including Jeff and those who've shared compassion and counsel, not only for me but for anyone else who might have found grace among and from the words of strangers.
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