Social Media to Blame for Estrangement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:.the sad reality is that people do cut off parents for things that seem fairly minor.

The word “seem“ is doing a lot of work there. From where do you get this data?

Looks like it would be subjective data, no? I would say that most of it is offspring adults who have little in the way of conflict resolution and are used to being catered to.

Pretty much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The answer is YES. Internet therapy and therapy speak has emboldened a whole generation of MeMeMe. It's also the precursor of the sidelining of one's parents so as not to ever have to care for them later. Ok, yeah that's hard, but...
That said, there will be a million people coming here with stories of actual abuse, ok, but that's not what's generally going on here. So many people cut off for the dumbest of reasons, and it's pervasive. Daughter in law took a comment the wrong way, jealousy among siblings, Geandma suggested a bottle feeding outside of a schedule, didn't come to all the ballet recitals, on and on.

I have never heard of a single person being cut off for these reasons alone— only when the parent refuses to apologize for, say, the comment the DiL “took that wrong way” or for uneven resources for children or for meddling in parenting.

My parents had favorites. But they are (and were) honest and emotionally mature people who didn’t try to convince us our reality was wrong. They acknowledged it and made sure in the ways these things really matter, we all received equally.

If they pretended that wasn’t the case they’d be estranged from at least one and probably all of us by now.

You are immediately assuming an apology is needed. Sometimes it is a daughter in law or son- and just ridiculous stuff. One friend's daughter in law cut all contact with her inlaws, and that includes no access to son and grandchildren because mother was in a fender bender on the way to babysit, and was late, preventing DIL from being able to go with her friends to a golf party. She had to drive separately to the party. Afterwards, the next day, she was still mad about that but also she insisted MIL shouldn't be driving the kids anymore because of the fender bender. The fender bender happened when a drunk teenager side swiped the mother's car, with minimal damage, and hit 2 others badly. The mother stayed on the scene to aid the other two, and the teen until the police came. DIL was angry because mother " had made a commitment to her to be there at a certain time", causing her to miss out on the group drive. The mother is 60 and an excellent driver, no record of anything. When MIL tried to explain why she stayed she was escorted to the door and called a narcissist. Why? She was making decisions for her own well being, and not DIL, which includes the driving edict. MiL is so distraught she is in therapy. Therapist says she deals with this s#!++ all the time.

And yes, I know quite a lot of people who were cut off for similar rubbish. Your reality might actually be wrong, and that is what is missing- all blame goes to not just the parents, but actually the mother. It's so pervasive, it's almost natural to assume all of this.

And so MiL knows why she was cut off, and doesn’t “agree” with the reason. She would rather be cut off than make amends. Sounds like a choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For a while I was very close to cutting off my parents. My mom would physically drag me out of the house if I didn't eat her meal and would beat me if I didn't do what she wanted. I was stuck in "that place" of emotional pain for a while well into my adulthood. When I had my own children, I vowed to not be anything like my parents. I did the opposite. I tried to be nurturing and put their needs ahead of mine. I never physically or mentally abused them. Like the vast majority of parents, I love my kids tremendously. However, one of my kids ended up hating me and being estranged (she will not tell me why). Ironically, this estrangement helped me begin the journey of healing my relationship with my own parents.

What things/behaviors/choices has she told you upset her in the past, before the estrangement, that you continued? Odds are she thinks she has told you exactly why.

She never has. A lot of estranged parents truly do know.

The idea that an adult was never once able to tell her parent she was upset suggests something.

It's not uncommon for estranged kids to simply drop the "no contact" bomb and walk away with no explanation. It's a sign of immaturity or in many cases the estranged adult child doesn't know the reason either.

No, it really is not nearly as common as estranged parents portray it as being.

https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the real toxicity is when we blame others for anything that went wrong in our lives (and social media encourages it). It's my parents' fault that so and so broke up with me. It's my parents' fault that I got fired. It's my parents' fault that that I'm divorced. It's my parents' fault that I didn't make the football team (cheer team or whatever). It's my parents' fault that I have low self-esteem. At some point, we need to stop with the blame game and take responsibility for our own thoughts and choices. I used to be this way and I regret the years that I lost with my parents because I wasted to much energy blaming them for anything that was wrong or negative in my life.

It’s my parents’s fault that when I was forced to eat a plate of vomit in nursery school— because no one had told the school that I was “sick” — my parents chose not to believe me when I told them what had happened. I grew up unprotected in some pretty impactful ways. Is that close enough to “real toxicity” for you — or would you like some more examples?


Try not to project and overgeneralize too much. You can own your own story and your own growth— without shifting to “we” and what “we” need to do — as you navigate your own regrets.

Oh, Happy Father’s Day.

Even that is a poor example of serious abuse. It was called a bad day, a day when a poor decision was made. I don't even understand the eating of vomit part? You threw up and then ate your vomit? Someone made you eat your vomit? Or you were sick and were still made to go to school, then threw up (?) Come on! Are you carrying this throughout your life as a reason to be mad at your parents? For life? Life, then, is going to be one disappointment after another. And, you really have to eventually grow up.

The nursery school staff forced me to eat a plate of vomit after I threw up my lunch.
As to the rest, that’s you, not me. I never used any of the words that you’re using — with the exception of “toxicity “. I’m simply trying to understand your working definition of toxicity. Have a lovely Father’s Day.
Peace out.

Ok, gross, and yeah, wrong, and actionable. But what does that have to do with your parents? Again.
They sent you to nursery school when you were sick (?) Am I understanding this correctly? There has to be some more to this.

I was thinking the same. What does this have to do with your parents? Maybe the parents didn't have a choice and had to send you to nursery school (daycare) because they had to pay the bills and maybe they didn't know how sick you were? I have hard time believing that someone made you eat vomit. But the bigger issue is that you have not been able to move past this for all these years?

PP told the parents about it and they did not believe their own child. Is your position that that disbelief itself is not neglect? That is wild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The answer is YES. Internet therapy and therapy speak has emboldened a whole generation of MeMeMe. It's also the precursor of the sidelining of one's parents so as not to ever have to care for them later. Ok, yeah that's hard, but...
That said, there will be a million people coming here with stories of actual abuse, ok, but that's not what's generally going on here. So many people cut off for the dumbest of reasons, and it's pervasive. Daughter in law took a comment the wrong way, jealousy among siblings, Geandma suggested a bottle feeding outside of a schedule, didn't come to all the ballet recitals, on and on.

I have never heard of a single person being cut off for these reasons alone— only when the parent refuses to apologize for, say, the comment the DiL “took that wrong way” or for uneven resources for children or for meddling in parenting.

My parents had favorites. But they are (and were) honest and emotionally mature people who didn’t try to convince us our reality was wrong. They acknowledged it and made sure in the ways these things really matter, we all received equally.

If they pretended that wasn’t the case they’d be estranged from at least one and probably all of us by now.

You are immediately assuming an apology is needed. Sometimes it is a daughter in law or son- and just ridiculous stuff. One friend's daughter in law cut all contact with her inlaws, and that includes no access to son and grandchildren because mother was in a fender bender on the way to babysit, and was late, preventing DIL from being able to go with her friends to a golf party. She had to drive separately to the party. Afterwards, the next day, she was still mad about that but also she insisted MIL shouldn't be driving the kids anymore because of the fender bender. The fender bender happened when a drunk teenager side swiped the mother's car, with minimal damage, and hit 2 others badly. The mother stayed on the scene to aid the other two, and the teen until the police came. DIL was angry because mother " had made a commitment to her to be there at a certain time", causing her to miss out on the group drive. The mother is 60 and an excellent driver, no record of anything. When MIL tried to explain why she stayed she was escorted to the door and called a narcissist. Why? She was making decisions for her own well being, and not DIL, which includes the driving edict. MiL is so distraught she is in therapy. Therapist says she deals with this s#!++ all the time.

And yes, I know quite a lot of people who were cut off for similar rubbish. Your reality might actually be wrong, and that is what is missing- all blame goes to not just the parents, but actually the mother. It's so pervasive, it's almost natural to assume all of this.

The DIL may be a piece of work, but no one, NO ONE can cut off access of a grown man to his own mother against his will unless they are holding a gun to his head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The answer is YES. Internet therapy and therapy speak has emboldened a whole generation of MeMeMe. It's also the precursor of the sidelining of one's parents so as not to ever have to care for them later. Ok, yeah that's hard, but...
That said, there will be a million people coming here with stories of actual abuse, ok, but that's not what's generally going on here. So many people cut off for the dumbest of reasons, and it's pervasive. Daughter in law took a comment the wrong way, jealousy among siblings, Geandma suggested a bottle feeding outside of a schedule, didn't come to all the ballet recitals, on and on.

I have never heard of a single person being cut off for these reasons alone— only when the parent refuses to apologize for, say, the comment the DiL “took that wrong way” or for uneven resources for children or for meddling in parenting.

My parents had favorites. But they are (and were) honest and emotionally mature people who didn’t try to convince us our reality was wrong. They acknowledged it and made sure in the ways these things really matter, we all received equally.

If they pretended that wasn’t the case they’d be estranged from at least one and probably all of us by now.

You are immediately assuming an apology is needed. Sometimes it is a daughter in law or son- and just ridiculous stuff. One friend's daughter in law cut all contact with her inlaws, and that includes no access to son and grandchildren because mother was in a fender bender on the way to babysit, and was late, preventing DIL from being able to go with her friends to a golf party. She had to drive separately to the party. Afterwards, the next day, she was still mad about that but also she insisted MIL shouldn't be driving the kids anymore because of the fender bender. The fender bender happened when a drunk teenager side swiped the mother's car, with minimal damage, and hit 2 others badly. The mother stayed on the scene to aid the other two, and the teen until the police came. DIL was angry because mother " had made a commitment to her to be there at a certain time", causing her to miss out on the group drive. The mother is 60 and an excellent driver, no record of anything. When MIL tried to explain why she stayed she was escorted to the door and called a narcissist. Why? She was making decisions for her own well being, and not DIL, which includes the driving edict. MiL is so distraught she is in therapy. Therapist says she deals with this s#!++ all the time.

And yes, I know quite a lot of people who were cut off for similar rubbish. Your reality might actually be wrong, and that is what is missing- all blame goes to not just the parents, but actually the mother. It's so pervasive, it's almost natural to assume all of this.

The DIL may be a piece of work, but no one, NO ONE can cut off access of a grown man to his own mother against his will unless they are holding a gun to his head.

And none of this would be a “no contact bomb”.

It’s a case where one adult is aware that other adults don’t want to spend time with her due to her actions, and would prefer to stew in her perceptions of “being right” than make amends.

[Anonymous]

NP - to the poster who mentioned her father explicitly rejecting her, I'm sorry that you experienced that. That's terrible and estranging from a parent like that is completely understandable. However, I don't think that's what the vast majority of estrangement cases are about. Most do not involve neglect or abuse and generally, the parents are not the ones doing the rejecting. It's usually the other way around and often for a mistake or misunderstanding. Also, the parents are usually not allowed to make amends. They are just told by the kid, "you should know" when they in fact genuinely do not know. The fact that the parent does not know is then used against them. Also, the kids do not get that the estrangement feels "almost" like grieving a child's death for the parents. I say almost because nothing can compare to a child's death, but we are getting up there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For a while I was very close to cutting off my parents. My mom would physically drag me out of the house if I didn't eat her meal and would beat me if I didn't do what she wanted. I was stuck in "that place" of emotional pain for a while well into my adulthood. When I had my own children, I vowed to not be anything like my parents. I did the opposite. I tried to be nurturing and put their needs ahead of mine. I never physically or mentally abused them. Like the vast majority of parents, I love my kids tremendously. However, one of my kids ended up hating me and being estranged (she will not tell me why). Ironically, this estrangement helped me begin the journey of healing my relationship with my own parents.

What things/behaviors/choices has she told you upset her in the past, before the estrangement, that you continued? Odds are she thinks she has told you exactly why.

She never has. A lot of estranged parents truly do know.

The idea that an adult was never once able to tell her parent she was upset suggests something.

It's not uncommon for estranged kids to simply drop the "no contact" bomb and walk away with no explanation. It's a sign of immaturity or in many cases the estranged adult child doesn't know the reason either.

They just know it’s a trendy thing to do on social media.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:


The DIL may be a piece of work, but no one, NO ONE can cut off access of a grown man to his own mother against his will unless they are holding a gun to his head.


And none of this would be a “no contact bomb”.

It’s a case where one adult is aware that other adults don’t want to spend time with her due to her actions, and would prefer to stew in her perceptions of “being right” than make amends.

I am fascinated by the "make amends" poster. Just what, exactly, does the MIL have to make amends for? Being a decent human being to strangers in distress. "making amends" just seems to be "suck up whatever unreasonable temper tantrum DIL wants to throw". Also agree that it is DIL's husband who needs to take his kids to see his mother. But I have a friend with a crazy, borderline personality disorder DIL who regularly acts like this, including threatening the husband that she will take his kids and deny him access to them unless he obeys her orders to cut off contact with his mom. Then whenever the DIL needs something, she texts the MIL like nothing ever happened.

[Anonymous]

My brother estranged from my mother shortly after our father's funeral. Everyone knows that his wife instigated the estrangement, but I'm more upset at my brother than his wife. She's not the one that i expected loyalty from. Also, I'm shocked he couldn't get a way for a moment to call us to let us know what was going on. He just completely went no contact. The crazy part is - once his kids wanted to build a relationship with us (10 years later) - he reached out and acted like nothing happened (kind of like the PP's post about the DIL). It amazes me that people can act so hurtful and then act like nothing ever happened. My mom, who is desperate to maintain a relationship with my brother accepts the little morsels of whatever he is willing to give her. Me, I'm hurt for her and myself. He only recently apologized for his behavior - but only because others relatives begged him to do so. A true apology doesn't need so much begging from third parties. I wish my Mom would just cut him off - but she has a need to keep him in her ilfe. So now, he might call her once a year if she is "lucky."

[Anonymous]

I'd say that the adult children who estranged from their parents need to get therapy, but sometimes therapy ends up making the situation a million times worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


The DIL may be a piece of work, but no one, NO ONE can cut off access of a grown man to his own mother against his will unless they are holding a gun to his head.


And none of this would be a “no contact bomb”.

It’s a case where one adult is aware that other adults don’t want to spend time with her due to her actions, and would prefer to stew in her perceptions of “being right” than make amends.

I am fascinated by the "make amends" poster. Just what, exactly, does the MIL have to make amends for? Being a decent human being to strangers in distress. "making amends" just seems to be "suck up whatever unreasonable temper tantrum DIL wants to throw". Also agree that it is DIL's husband who needs to take his kids to see his mother. But I have a friend with a crazy, borderline personality disorder DIL who regularly acts like this, including threatening the husband that she will take his kids and deny him access to them unless he obeys her orders to cut off contact with his mom. Then whenever the DIL needs something, she texts the MIL like nothing ever happened.

Your friend’s son needs to grow some. That is unless he is hiding behind his wife for his decision not to see his mother.

If the wife is lucid enough that he thinks that threat is credible, he can explain to her that her life is about to become a living hell and she will regret the day she met him if she doesn’t tone down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother estranged from my mother shortly after our father's funeral. Everyone knows that his wife instigated the estrangement, but I'm more upset at my brother than his wife. She's not the one that i expected loyalty from. Also, I'm shocked he couldn't get a way for a moment to call us to let us know what was going on. He just completely went no contact. The crazy part is - once his kids wanted to build a relationship with us (10 years later) - he reached out and acted like nothing happened (kind of like the PP's post about the DIL). It amazes me that people can act so hurtful and then act like nothing ever happened. My mom, who is desperate to maintain a relationship with my brother accepts the little morsels of whatever he is willing to give her. Me, I'm hurt for her and myself. He only recently apologized for his behavior - but only because others relatives begged him to do so. A true apology doesn't need so much begging from third parties. I wish my Mom would just cut him off - but she has a need to keep him in her ilfe. So now, he might call her once a year if she is "lucky."

If your mom is so desperate, why doesn’t she call him? Why blame the wife??

It’s so gross to see women on this site blaming other women for the actions of their male family members. These men have their own brains (I assume), it’s just sexist and misogynistic to blame the woman when HE fails to do something you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd say that the adult children who estranged from their parents need to get therapy, but sometimes therapy ends up making the situation a million times worse.

Not sometimes. Most of the time. By and large, therapists are quacks and quick to recommend extreme measures instead of challenging their patients.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


The DIL may be a piece of work, but no one, NO ONE can cut off access of a grown man to his own mother against his will unless they are holding a gun to his head.


And none of this would be a “no contact bomb”.

It’s a case where one adult is aware that other adults don’t want to spend time with her due to her actions, and would prefer to stew in her perceptions of “being right” than make amends.

I am fascinated by the "make amends" poster. Just what, exactly, does the MIL have to make amends for? Being a decent human being to strangers in distress. "making amends" just seems to be "suck up whatever unreasonable temper tantrum DIL wants to throw". Also agree that it is DIL's husband who needs to take his kids to see his mother. But I have a friend with a crazy, borderline personality disorder DIL who regularly acts like this, including threatening the husband that she will take his kids and deny him access to them unless he obeys her orders to cut off contact with his mom. Then whenever the DIL needs something, she texts the MIL like nothing ever happened.

Your friend’s son needs to grow some. That is unless he is hiding behind his wife for his decision not to see his mother.

If the wife is lucid enough that he thinks that threat is credible, he can explain to her that her life is about to become a living hell and she will regret the day she met him if she doesn’t tone down.

More than likely this pp is getting third hand information from MIL. Of course she’s going to blame the nasty DIL not the precious baby boy who is getting maliciously manipulated by some harpy.

Seems odd that a DIL so intent on keeping her children away from a MIL wouldn’t just reach out nonchalantly. Bc it’s all made up and exaggerated when MIL doesn’t get exactly what she wants, when she wants it. Kids have soccer the day she wants to visit? DIL depriving her of the grands! Kids in bed when she calls and she refuses to wake them? Evil woman denying access! Like gosh it would be hilarious if it wasn’t so damaging to the DIL.