Help me figure out how to handle this

[Anonymous]

I am the adult kid. I live a plane ride away from my parents, but have a very strong relationship with them.

My mom is very into gifts. She is great at picking out unique things and always sends great gifts for various occasions. She also loves to receive gifts and expects that I will recognize the major holidays with a gift.

The problem is that my parents are very well off and have EVERYTHING they could ever possibly want. And my mom really prefers special, unique things. It's frankly a bit exhausting.

I usually go a special food delivery for holidays, but because of a bunch of weird circumstances (travel rescheduled, etc) I have not yet fulfilled my obligation for Christmas gifts or my dad's birthday. My mom sent me a nice card for my birthday, but no gift. That is completely, 100% fine with me (there is NOTHING I need), but it definitely feels passive aggressive.

Obviously normal people could just talk about this, but I am feeling chastised and guilty because I feel down on my obligations, so am resorting to paralysis. I am really not selfish - I am a very busy working mom with young kids and a heck of a lot going on (whereas my parents are retired and wealthy) - but my falling down on this makes me feel selfish and lazy and bratty and ungrateful for everything my parents do and mean to me.

What should I do?
1. Send a card apologizing and a big gift that covers the missed occasions?
2. Call my mom and tell her everything I have written here?
3. Ignore it and hope this means we can stop exchanging gifts?

[Anonymous]

Imma vote for 3.

Or, be the adult you claim to be and use your words and tell her how grateful you are that y'all have put an end to this gifting nonsense.

[Anonymous]

When a gift is customary - you send a gift. And you don't use an excuse. Your excuses are lame.

In the future, send a gift. Make sure it is on time. And it's her fault -completely- if it's not up to her standards. Stop over thinking.

[Anonymous]

I vote for a combination of #2 and #3. Just let her know you are very short on time and would rather stop the gift exchange, or possibly limit it to once a year, either birthdays or holidays.

[Anonymous]

Ignore this. Next occasion send a normal gift. It takes five minutes to send something cool from Goldbelly, stop with the excuses.

[Anonymous]

I would say #1. Her love language is gifts so that is the best way to show her you care.

Can you buy tickets to see her favorite show? Have her favorite chef come to their house? Your gift needs to show you know her and not be something generic.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you are married, above the age of 21 and worried about mommy's gifts?

Send a card and just stop whinning.

[Anonymous]

#3.
Gifts for adults is so ick.

[Anonymous]

Another vote for #3.

Release your guilt and seize this chance to stop the obligatory nonsense.

FWIW, it's perfectly lovely that your mom enjoys picking out thoughtful gifts for her loved ones, but it's quite a different matter to expect the same from others. If her love is conditional on you finding the perfect gift for every occasion, then you really have nothing to feel guilty about.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP- I get it. I have a wealthy mom who also loves buying small thoughtful gifts. I used to regularly pick up things for her when I lived nearby but something about the remote gift buying thing feels so….transactional after enough years of living away. I get it.

I’d just ignore any weirdness and send a gift - and an early one - for the next event or go all out on mothers or Father’s Day.