Should I let this slide?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for 5 months. We are both middle aged, divorced, and looking for something serious (or so that has been stated). We like each other and have a good time. Generally speaking he is very considerate of me and treats me well.

There is one thing he does that bothers me though and we have talked about it multiple times. He says he will change, but it crops back up. The thing is that some evenings he is unavailable by phone. I have no idea why. I’ll give him a call or text and then he won’t respond or put on his do not disturb and get back to me in the morning.

I’ve been cheated on so admit I’m a little sensitive about this sort of thing. I don’t want to waste time dating someone who is seeing someone else and not looking for something serious. How would you handle this? He is the person who initiated wanting to be exclusive early on if that is relevant.

[Anonymous]

I think you know the answer to this. Either he isn't divorced, or he is not "exclusive" at all.

[Anonymous]

The red flag for me is that you’ve talked about it multiple times, he says he will do something different, and then he doesn’t follow up.

The actual thing he’s doing is secondary. How he’s responding to a concern you’re raising and that he’s repeatedly doing something other than what he said he would do is the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you know the answer to this. Either he isn't divorced, or he is not "exclusive" at all.

Come on, OP. You know this.

DTMFA and move on.

He talks the game he thinks you want to hear, wants YOU to be exclusive then plays in your face.

[Anonymous]

I ignore my phone all the time. I plug it in to charge on airplane mode while I'm cooking dinner and then forget about it until I'm going to bed, at which point it's too late at night for me to be comfortable reaching out to people. I walk to a nearby friend's place without my phone and stay up chatting until 1am and then go home and immediately go to bed. Stuff like that. I've never cheated and never would.

Why do you want him to be chained to his phone?

[Anonymous]

You again? Didn't like the answers you got last time?

[Anonymous]

Has he said why he's doing that?

It would be ok (to me) for instance if he sent a quick text that said hey, tired/having a bad day/need alone time/whatever and i'm turning my phone off now or I'm not going to be available to chat. But if he did that a lot (like 2-3 times a week) that too would be weird.

[Anonymous]

Run

[Anonymous]

Go to therapy and sort yourself out. Why do you have such a predilection for unreliable men? What childhood trauma or attachment patterns do you keep recreating?

Dump this guy and fish in a new pond once you get your head together.

Everyone see his behavior for what it IS, but you are tempted to "let it slide" that is the thing to focus on. A therapy group may be even more beneficial for you than individual, hearing others voice their rationalizations or co-dependent scripts can be a short cut to one's own issues. Coda.org is great too.

No dating for at least 6 months, OP. Sort yourself out and this man would not even be appealing. y

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The red flag for me is that you’ve talked about it multiple times, he says he will do something different, and then he doesn’t follow up.

The actual thing he’s doing is secondary. How he’s responding to a concern you’re raising and that he’s repeatedly doing something other than what he said he would do is the problem.

This is such a great response.

OP, all that matters is that there is something that is important to you that he is disregarding. You’re not a good fit. Move on.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would just start openly dating other men. I have so many suitors that each time I put up my profile, I get a bunch of guys pursuing me and just disconnect from the person who showed himself unavailable, after I entrusted him with my body. I go out and party each night, and forget myself to pick up his calls when he wants to see me just becoming unavailable to him. It dies off and that's it

Why are you so desperate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The red flag for me is that you’ve talked about it multiple times, he says he will do something different, and then he doesn’t follow up.

The actual thing he’s doing is secondary. How he’s responding to a concern you’re raising and that he’s repeatedly doing something other than what he said he would do is the problem.

This is good, and my question would be, how does he use his phone when you're together? My DH is constantly using his phone, to the point I think it's habitual, so if he's that way when you're together - but then there is radio silence when you're apart - I'd be suspicious. But then I also might be suspicious if he puts his phone on DND when he's with you too.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he is spending time with family or EW related? or its work related. Something that he doesn't want to be distracted from. If he otherwise wanted to be in a committed relationship, it could just be innocent.

[Anonymous]

Can't stand women who need me to be available to them 24/7. They seem to not understand what my life is like--kids, challenging job, lots to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The red flag for me is that you’ve talked about it multiple times, he says he will do something different, and then he doesn’t follow up.

The actual thing he’s doing is secondary. How he’s responding to a concern you’re raising and that he’s repeatedly doing something other than what he said he would do is the problem.

Absolutely this. You're allowed to dislike things, and he should care about not upsetting you by doing those things (and you should be the same for him). If you've told him it bothers you, and he agreed to work on it, and nothing changed... that's a whole statement.

Sorry, OP. DTMFA