Help! Letter from depressed teen dd

[Anonymous]

I noticed a folded piece of paper in my dd’s room this morning and I went to open it and dd saw me and told me not to touch it. I honored the request. I expected the letter to be gone when I got home from work but it was still there and so I’ve read it.

What do I do now? It does not outline any plans to kill herself but it speaks to her depression and not feeling relief from depression despite taking medication. It speaks to feeling like life is pointless and not wanting to live. But also explicitly states that she can’t kill herself. I don’t know when she wrote it.

It feels like she wanted me to read it- as she left it where it was earlier. A cry for help? More intervention? Clearly her dosage of meds is not effective at this level.

What do I do now? She has a psychiatrist but not a therapist as she feels like therapy has not been helpful. Do I talk w her about the note? I obviously want to protect her and keep her safe and evaluate her state of mind and keep her trust and all the things a parent wants to do. But I literally don’t know what next steps are. Help.

[Anonymous]

I really feel like you’re wrong for having done that. But now that you did, unless your daughter is really clueless, she will know you read it by your behavior to you. I think you have to figure out how to come clean and then get her help. Maybe a medication change.

[Anonymous]

I talked to my daughters a LOT during their teen years about how mood shifts towards the negative are really normal, and it's brain chemistry shifts and the hormones zooming around and they just have to wait it out for things to settle down. We talk a lot about being patient with your body and brain, and how to safely indulge in the moods (listening to depressing music) and things to do to lessen the intensity of the feelings (yoga or other physical things, petting the dog, doing nice things for others).

[Anonymous]

I don’t agree with the poster who said you were wrong-if my child were on antidepressants I would certainly be snoopy. A friend of mine lost her nephew a few weeks ago to suicide-parents had no clue that he had a gun or even that he was struggling, they thought things were going well even. I’m going to be in kids’ business until they leave if I feel it’s important for their health.

With that out of the way, you can either come clean, or if you don’t want your dd to know what you did (no shame), wait a day or two and then have a check-in chat. Hopefully you are regularly talking to your dd about her feelings and this won’t seem jarring. I agree that hormones and other things are so transitional at this age, but if she feels hopeless and like she has no reason for living, that’s a huge red flag to me.

[Anonymous]

I definitely would take it as a cry for help that the note was still where you could see it later in the day.

Make sure your daughter knows she can call the suicide and crisis line 24 hours a day seven days a week at 988 to speak with a specialized counselor and it is kept confidential.

A person also can call 988 when they are worried about someone else so you could call for advice and support regarding your daughter.

Hugs to you both and hope things get better soon!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I noticed a folded piece of paper in my dd’s room this morning and I went to open it and dd saw me and told me not to touch it. I honored the request. I expected the letter to be gone when I got home from work but it was still there and so I’ve read it.

What do I do now? It does not outline any plans to kill herself but it speaks to her depression and not feeling relief from depression despite taking medication. It speaks to feeling like life is pointless and not wanting to live. But also explicitly states that she can’t kill herself. I don’t know when she wrote it.

It feels like she wanted me to read it- as she left it where it was earlier. A cry for help? More intervention? Clearly her dosage of meds is not effective at this level.

What do I do now? She has a psychiatrist but not a therapist as she feels like therapy has not been helpful. Do I talk w her about the note? I obviously want to protect her and keep her safe and evaluate her state of mind and keep her trust and all the things a parent wants to do. But I literally don’t know what next steps are. Help.

I was just talking about this with my therapist today, because my mother read some things of mine when I was a teen and I'm still angry about it. The therapist told me it is a huge boundary violation and that when people read something of someone else's that they shouldn't have, the feelings they get in response to it are 100 percent their own. Period. She didn't want you to read it, she specifically told you not to. You have a lot to learn about boundaries.

Your next steps are to take care of your severely depressed daughter, like you should be doing anyway, note or not. Talk to her (without referencing the note you had no business reading) and talk to her psychiatrist -- her meds are not working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I noticed a folded piece of paper in my dd’s room this morning and I went to open it and dd saw me and told me not to touch it. I honored the request. I expected the letter to be gone when I got home from work but it was still there and so I’ve read it.

What do I do now? It does not outline any plans to kill herself but it speaks to her depression and not feeling relief from depression despite taking medication. It speaks to feeling like life is pointless and not wanting to live. But also explicitly states that she can’t kill herself. I don’t know when she wrote it.

It feels like she wanted me to read it- as she left it where it was earlier. A cry for help? More intervention? Clearly her dosage of meds is not effective at this level.

What do I do now? She has a psychiatrist but not a therapist as she feels like therapy has not been helpful. Do I talk w her about the note? I obviously want to protect her and keep her safe and evaluate her state of mind and keep her trust and all the things a parent wants to do. But I literally don’t know what next steps are. Help.

I was just talking about this with my therapist today, because my mother read some things of mine when I was a teen and I'm still angry about it. The therapist told me it is a huge boundary violation and that when people read something of someone else's that they shouldn't have, the feelings they get in response to it are 100 percent their own. Period. She didn't want you to read it, she specifically told you not to. You have a lot to learn about boundaries.

Your next steps are to take care of your severely depressed daughter, like you should be doing anyway, note or not. Talk to her (without referencing the note you had no business reading) and talk to her psychiatrist -- her meds are not working.

Your shrink is wrong.

This is not a “huge boundary violation.” We’re talking about a minor child on psychotic medication living in OPs home. OP is her mother. She has every right and every obligation to do what she has to do to keep this child safe.

[Anonymous]

My teen also has a therapist that they didn’t find that useful. I came to talk to the therapist before one session (with my kid there) and said specifically that we were hoping for more tools in dealing with intrusive and negative thoughts. That seemed to help some and the sessions got a little more helpful. If it starts to peter out again, we’ll switch therapists until we find someone that meets their needs better. So don’t let her give up on therapy too soon.

You might also want to try a NAMI parent group for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I noticed a folded piece of paper in my dd’s room this morning and I went to open it and dd saw me and told me not to touch it. I honored the request. I expected the letter to be gone when I got home from work but it was still there and so I’ve read it.

What do I do now? It does not outline any plans to kill herself but it speaks to her depression and not feeling relief from depression despite taking medication. It speaks to feeling like life is pointless and not wanting to live. But also explicitly states that she can’t kill herself. I don’t know when she wrote it.

It feels like she wanted me to read it- as she left it where it was earlier. A cry for help? More intervention? Clearly her dosage of meds is not effective at this level.

What do I do now? She has a psychiatrist but not a therapist as she feels like therapy has not been helpful. Do I talk w her about the note? I obviously want to protect her and keep her safe and evaluate her state of mind and keep her trust and all the things a parent wants to do. But I literally don’t know what next steps are. Help.

I was just talking about this with my therapist today, because my mother read some things of mine when I was a teen and I'm still angry about it. The therapist told me it is a huge boundary violation and that when people read something of someone else's that they shouldn't have, the feelings they get in response to it are 100 percent their own. Period. She didn't want you to read it, she specifically told you not to. You have a lot to learn about boundaries.

Your next steps are to take care of your severely depressed daughter, like you should be doing anyway, note or not. Talk to her (without referencing the note you had no business reading) and talk to her psychiatrist -- her meds are not working.

You should double up on those therapy sessions, you sound angry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t agree with the poster who said you were wrong-if my child were on antidepressants I would certainly be snoopy. A friend of mine lost her nephew a few weeks ago to suicide-parents had no clue that he had a gun or even that he was struggling, they thought things were going well even. I’m going to be in kids’ business until they leave if I feel it’s important for their health.

With that out of the way, you can either come clean, or if you don’t want your dd to know what you did (no shame), wait a day or two and then have a check-in chat. Hopefully you are regularly talking to your dd about her feelings and this won’t seem jarring. I agree that hormones and other things are so transitional at this age, but if she feels hopeless and like she has no reason for living, that’s a huge red flag to me.

PP here. My son survived several major suicide attempts so I know how hard it is to respect boundaries. If you feel the need to search, which I did often, you do it honestly rather than sneaking around like OP did. I don’t think OP was wrong for reading it. I think OP was wrong for violating her daughter’s trust by doing it behind her back.

[Anonymous]

Don’t bring up the letter. Talk to her this weekend, very honestly. Ask how she is feeling. Ask if she would like to try a therapist again, maybe a different one. Ask what you can do to help.

Touch base with psychiatrist before her next mtg.

It’s good that she wrote that she doesn’t plan to commit suicide.

[Anonymous]

At this point it sounds like they are just thoughts. Suicide can sound scary, and maybe getting them on paper is a way to express those scary thoughts.

I'm not going to speak to if it was right or wrong to read the note, but I think there is a way you can tell your child that you are there for them and nothing is too scary for you to help them handle it and help them weather the storm. You can come up with a plan together if they have thoughts of ending their life. They need to know they are not alone and you are there to support them through this. They have a bright future and you can help them see it again.

[Anonymous]

You were right to read it!

[Anonymous]

Oh wow. I absolutely would have read it. There's tremendous ambiguity here, and I think you were in the right.

WAYYY more important a question is what do you do now?

Supposedly, one is supposed to talk about suicide. Don't *not* talk about it for fear of triggering upsetting thoughts.

I would loop in a therapist ASAP.

People aren't sounding terribly supportive here today, OP. I'm sorry.