Manners with spouse

[Anonymous]

DH scolds DC if they forget their manners (Please, thank you, etc.). While he regularly gets angry at them if they forget, he tends to not use his manners when speaking to me. Tonight he asked me to do something with a bit of snarky tone and no please with it, in front of the DC. I don't typically care, but he isn't modeling the behavior he wants the kids to follow.
I said "yeah, no problem. Let's also remember to teach the boys their manners."
Well, this set him off. He accused me of being the one that doesn't teach them manners and how he is the only one.

So, I know there will be the group of people that will say I'm passive aggressive which I get. But what I want to hear is, WWYD? This isn't the first time this topic has come up. He doesn't think he should show me gratitude for doing what he thinks is my job anyway. I will add, that we are in a bad place and close to separation. So maybe the answer is just to avoid any convo of this type?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH scolds DC if they forget their manners (Please, thank you, etc.). While he regularly gets angry at them if they forget, he tends to not use his manners when speaking to me. Tonight he asked me to do something with a bit of snarky tone and no please with it, in front of the DC. I don't typically care, but he isn't modeling the behavior he wants the kids to follow.
I said "yeah, no problem. Let's also remember to teach the boys their manners."
Well, this set him off. He accused me of being the one that doesn't teach them manners and how he is the only one.

So, I know there will be the group of people that will say I'm passive aggressive which I get. But what I want to hear is, WWYD? This isn't the first time this topic has come up. He doesn't think he should show me gratitude for doing what he thinks is my job anyway. I will add, that we are in a bad place and close to separation. So maybe the answer is just to avoid any convo of this type?

Just want to add, I do say pleade and thanks and teach the kids the same.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry he's being such a boor, OP. He is entirely in the wrong. If he cannot change, then indeed separation is a possibility. I would have gone much further: if he's not capable of saying please, thank you and using a neutral tone, then he gets nothing from me. He can go get whatever it is himself.

[Anonymous]

Is this the potato peel husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this the potato peel husband?

OP here - no not that guy. But I remember that post and completely related to the OP of that one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry he's being such a boor, OP. He is entirely in the wrong. If he cannot change, then indeed separation is a possibility. I would have gone much further: if he's not capable of saying please, thank you and using a neutral tone, then he gets nothing from me. He can go get whatever it is himself.

Thanks for validating my thoughts. I honestly at times think back to these incidents and wonder what I should have done differently to avoid triggering a fight.

[Anonymous]

My dh and I regularly use please and thank you to each other, in front of the kids and when they’re not around. I think it’s important to model what you’re teaching, but it’s also part of a good relationship to show your gratitude. I don’t think you’re expecting too much, but also don’t call him out in front of the kids, you’re just asking for him to be defensive.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to guess that his corrections of DC are more about just that, correcting, keeping order and showing who's boss. Like a sergeant making sure the GI says yes, sir. He's concerned with manners as a power trip, and that applies to you too--you're wrong, he's right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dh and I regularly use please and thank you to each other, in front of the kids and when they’re not around. I think it’s important to model what you’re teaching, but it’s also part of a good relationship to show your gratitude. I don’t think you’re expecting too much, but also don’t call him out in front of the kids, you’re just asking for him to be defensive.

Thank you for the advice. Would you bring it up later when kids aren't around or just let it go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dh and I regularly use please and thank you to each other, in front of the kids and when they’re not around. I think it’s important to model what you’re teaching, but it’s also part of a good relationship to show your gratitude. I don’t think you’re expecting too much, but also don’t call him out in front of the kids, you’re just asking for him to be defensive.

+1. We definitely say please and thank you to each other all the time. My parents did too, and while it didn't mean I wasn't occasionally rude as a kid, it stuck with me as an adult.

[Anonymous]

If you're going to separate, then do it. Talking the way you did sure as hell won't help things get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're going to separate, then do it. Talking the way you did sure as hell won't help things get better.

Can you explain? I'm open to constructive criticism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to guess that his corrections of DC are more about just that, correcting, keeping order and showing who's boss. Like a sergeant making sure the GI says yes, sir. He's concerned with manners as a power trip, and that applies to you too--you're wrong, he's right.

This person has it right. OP have you been to counseling as a couple? What you’re describing in his treatment of you is contempt, which is a death knell in a relationship.