5 yr old boys playing "touch privates" game?

[Anonymous]

My 5+ yr old DS and some of his friends keep playing "touch privates" games at play dates and I suspect in school as well, and I'm worried that my DS is an instigator. He used to attend a daycare center where these games seemed to be rampant, and where the teachers and parents (us included) were trying to stop the behavior. When my DS transferred to a new school for pre-K last September, it seemed to go away until very recently when another boy started to play (or talk about playing) "butt" games. I just heard from a friend that during an evening play date yesterday, he tried to get her 4 yr old son to play "touch privates". When my son gets home from school this evening, I'm going to talk to him about our private parts rule again - that he is not allowed to show his private parts to anyone except Mom, Dad, or the doctor, that no one is allowed to touch his private parts, and that he is not allowed to touch anyone else's private parts. I'm also going to ask him where he got the idea to play this game, although I have a feeling I know (from his old school, and then from this other boy at school). I feel like I've given him this little speech about a dozen times or more and that it's not sinking in. Should I be worried about it? Or is this just part of normal growing up for some kids? If it's not normal, what should I do?

[Anonymous]

You know, I think it's normal. I know people are concerned that this behavior is an indicator of abuse somewhere in the child's life, but I know in our preschool it also went on for a while at about that age.

I think you have to give that speech over and over again. They will get past it eventually.

[Anonymous]

I think you should also alert the teacher. This was also a rule at school and he/she needs to say it in the classroom. Reinforcement has to come from several points for it to make an impression. That said, my DS was notorious for tugging ears. We finally did a chart and if he managed not to touch people's ears for 30 days he got a special reward. It helped break him from this habit.

[Anonymous]

I'd talk to his pediatrician. He could get into big trouble at school or with other families if caught or if a student's or a friend's parents were upset that he was touching their child's private parts. I think this is normal but I'm not sure about keeping it up after getting caught .. my sense is most children respond once caught and stop the behavior.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to be more direct with him. "Touch Privates is not an ok game and you are not to play it with anyone. If anyone asks, tell them NO and find someone else to play with"

[Anonymous]

OP here - yeah we've used that direct approach too, along with the review of rules. I have to say, it seems simple enough, but it's just not sinking in over the long term. He starts kindergarten in the fall - is it appropriate of me to tell him that they simply do not tolerate those games in Kindergarten, and that he'll be kicked out if he does it? We tried a similar line with him when he started in pre-K, and it worked...until this most recent episode. I suppose I could consult his pediatrician about it, although truth be told, she also gave him a speech about this during his last check-up only 2 weeks ago. I had not discussed the issue with her (b/c at the time I didn't know it had resurfaced), but she told him that no one is allowed to touch is private parts but the doctor and his parents, and that if anyone asked him about it, he needed to check with mom and dad. I know he was listening, is it possible that he just didn't take her seriously?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd talk to his pediatrician. He could get into big trouble at school or with other families if caught or if a student's or a friend's parents were upset that he was touching their child's private parts. I think this is normal but I'm not sure about keeping it up after getting caught .. my sense is most children respond once caught and stop the behavior.

Talk to the pediatrician and also talk to a psychologist. Touch privates game isn't usual. Sexual harassment:

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,460687,00.html

There are children who evidence hypersexuality as part of a disability. There were a few young boys who did this for years when my kids were little. Other kids were upset and disgusted .

Google : "sexual harrassment" kindergarten hypersexuality

[Anonymous]

It recently came up with the pediatrician, too? OP call her and let her know and call a psychologist, too. I would tell him it's inappropriate period, at home, at other people's homes, at school.

[Anonymous]

Just for the record, way, way back in the 70s - many of the kids in our neighborhood of huge families (plenty of them as big as 5-14 kids) played all sorts of those kind of games - typically both sexes were involved - we played them up through 4th grade although I remember it peaking around 2nd grade. Who knows what our martini-drinking, country club parents were up to then - having key parties I guess - b/c they sure weren't keeping an eye on us. Nevertheless, I haven't heard through the grapevine that any of us became sexual deviants as adults!

That said, speaking from my own childhood experiences, if you want to minimize it, you will need to keep a close eye on any playdates - inform other parents to keep an eye if you too and let the teacher know. As far as calls to a psychologist - seems way over the top for what is pretty normal behavior at this age. I'm guessing with close monitoring by you, it will go by the wayside fairly soon. Basically, the five year olds have discovered it's pleasurable and they know it's "forbidden" thus it's all the more enticing for them right now.

Good luck OP and let us know how it plays out (no pun intended).

[Anonymous]

Agree with 21:33. I wouldn't threaten about getting kicked out of K, I'd just sit down with DS and with DH too and say that this needs to stop. I would be super serious and then roll play what he should say and do if someone asks him to play. Roll play what he can do instead of asking someone to play. I'd talk to teachers and only do playdates with parents who supervise very well or (give them a heads up to be fair so the kids aren't sent outside or down to the basement or something) or just do them at your house for a while.

If you need a threat, say you will stop play dates if it happens again.

I think it's pretty normal but he isn't getting the cue to dial it back (or hide it better).

[Anonymous]

21:33 has a point but did anyone get caught and keep doing it? We got caught playing doctor, my dad was furious and that was the end of that. We were also older than this child by several years. I think a child who keeps doing this after a parent and his pediatrician tell him not to deserves attention from the pediatrician and possibly a psychologist. The pediatrician can comment on this. The pediatrician has no doubt seen this before.

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone - OP here. Just to be clear about the pediatrician visit - she did not bring it up because she thought we were having issues or because we told her we were having issues. She was performing a routine physical exam, and when she told my DS she was going to "check him", he looked at me with a nervous glance, and she said, "That's right - I saw you look at your mom to check to see if it was OK for me to do this. That's exactly what you should do because no one is allowed to touch your privates, and if anyone ever asks you, you should check with your mom and dad." Just wanted to be clear on that context.

We are refraining from panicking and are holding off checking with a psychologist at this point (and sorry - I had to chuckle a little bit that someone thought there was any similarity between my situation and that Fox news article. I'm not belittling what happened to that little girl, but it's not at all the same.) We had a very stern talk with our DS last night, and as I was talking to him, I realized that this issue hasn't come up in a while, but that it only seems to come up with the same two children (one boy who is 1 year younger than my DS, 1 girl who is 6 months older than my DS) and that sometimes the older girl initiates. Anyway, we told him that this is strictly not allowed, and that if he does it again, he won't be wanted nor allowed to play at his friends' home anymore. As it happens, we're going on vacation with this other family for a week towards the end of the month, so there will be plenty of opportunity for him to remember this rule, and plenty of opportunity for us to keep a very close eye. Let's hope that this breaks the bad habit/behavior, and if it doesn't we'll call the doctor for advice.

[Anonymous]

OP: Now that you explained more, I think it would also be appropriate to talk to the 2 sets of parents and also ask them to reinforce the need to end this game. It really is inappropriate in K and will upset other kids.

[Anonymous]

Not only is it inappropriate in kindergarten, but it could get him in serious trouble. You might want to read your school district's rules regarding discipline for this type of behavior.

[Anonymous]

OK - that's good advice. Thank you. I'll do that today. After all, it was my friend/the other mom who brought this up in the spirit of trying to be helpful. And...we did tell DS that if he does it in K, he will be sent home. That may not have been the best thing but I feel like we needed to scare him a little bit. I might regret it later I guess. I think I'm going to have a follow-up discussion with him again tonight to make sure he got the message and is taking this as seriously as we are.