low self-esteem in girls - need therapy?

[Anonymous]

On the surface, DD doesn't seem to have confidence issues or low self-esteem, but I see it in some of her interactions with friends, especially with boys, specifically boys she is crushing on. She feels the need to say she's got a "boyfriend," instead of just being friends with everyone. I've also noticed that sometimes she'll play mental manipulation games or sort of play with their feelings when she knows they like her. I'm not sure why she feels it's so important to have a "boyfriend," whatever that means in middle school (she's in 7th). She's not allowed to date, so all she does is see her friends at school and talk on the phone/Facetime. She keeps her grades up, does have ADHD and is involved in sports. I'm wondering if she needs to talk to a counselor or someone about how to be a good friend and how to navigate relationships/dating, etc., and if they can help her learn how to boost self-esteem, etc.

When I try to talk to her, ofc she gets mad or tells me it's none of my business. DH doesn't know how to approach, or thinks it's a phase and will work itself out before high school. I just think we'd have better luck if someone talked to her who wasn't one of her parents.

[Anonymous]

Everyone doesn’t need therapy.

[Anonymous]

What about the school counselor casually having a check in conversation? This doesn’t sound quite like a therapy situation.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps I should have asked: how would you handle?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I could try that. I really like her school counselor, but DD is not a huge fan. I could still have her do a check in. My DD is not a big sharer, in general. I'm not sure how much she'd open up, if at all.

[Anonymous]

I agree with DH, a lot will resolve itself by HS. These are literally the first interactions she is having with potential boyfriends/love interests/etc, so it is going to be awkward.

Lots of 7th graders want a boyfriend…remember George Glass??? Sounds like she is a good kid, just trying to get social capital by pretending to have a BF or boys that like her. Keep assuring her that she is valued in many ways (ie not just attractiveness to the opposite sex) & I think you will be fine. But at this age it is always good to offer that they can meet with a therapist to talk about things they might not want to talk about with you - you can frame it that they can try it once & see if it is helpful, sometimes teens/adults like to have a safe space to work things out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone doesn’t need therapy.

+1. Don't pathologize this.

She's in 7th grade, she'll mature and grow out of it. When I think back to some of the stupid stuff I said and did at that age...

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure how “wanting a boyfriend” is translating to low self esteem. I mean, of course “boyfriends” are inherently sort of silly when you look back as an adult at 12/13 year old relationships. But it is also a rite of passage for most girls to want this.

Unless she is behaving in some deeply toxic way, this doesn’t require therapy.

[Anonymous]

I’m going to push back against the idea that therapy is pathologizing. Therapy can be about identifying automatic cognitive patterns and emotional responses, then considering whether/where these defaults are out of sync with personal goals, and introducing new possibilities. It’s a way of unraveling assumptions and habits of mind that aren’t life-enhancing and that we don’t even realize hold sway over us. All of us have these.

With regard to OP’s kid, there is some underlying assumption about what a boyfriend — or not having one — means. That assumption almost certainly isn’t true, but she can’t unravel the behavior/effect (low self esteem) without recognizing the meaning she’s ascribing to a boyfriend.

Someone is probably going to have to walk her through the process of understanding what she’s making a boyfriend mean. This doesn’t have to be a therapist, of course, but it’s a very rare kid who can figure out this stuff proactively.

And having been that kid myself (oh, how desperate I was for a boyfriend in those days!) I’ll say *not* doing this gives an awful lot of power to some of the sh*ttiest guys out there. I would have loved somebody to help me understand that a lot of my crushes were actually my own longing to feel worthy, and that there were better ways of getting that than placing my heart in the hands of Smarmy Dave or Belittling Pete or Fast-hands Fred or whomever.