When you don’t trust your gut anymore

[Anonymous]

We had a shit show of a morning. I feel like a terrible mom. My oldest has anxiety, ADHD and an eating disorder. I have been very proactive in getting her help and she is doing well. She actually wasn’t the problem.

In a lot of ways I’m the problem. For so long there was always some sort of crisis and I just wanted everyone to be ok. I did a lot of accommodating of my older child and frankly she needed it. And it didn’t seem far to expect so much more of her younger sibling so I was doing way more than I should for both kids. I have been trying to wean off of the accommodations and my older child is accepting it really well. Medication, therapy and maturity have really helped.

But it has made me realize how much I’ve screwed things up for the younger one. He has been throwing huge tantrums, whining and sobbing when I won’t bend over backwards as much as I used to. He also seems really really anxious to me. His level of worry over certain things is honestly worse than his older sisters ever was. But he’s doing fine at school. I mentioned my concerns to his teacher and she thought I was crazy. My husband thinks I am looking for problems because the school has not complained. Neither of us know what “normal” looks like. I can get him through most scenarios and to do most things we need to do but I think I’m probably providing a lot more support than a typical parent.

On days like today I feel like I need help with my younger son. The parent training we did for our oldest does not seem to work as well with him (it was great for our daughter). But I also am tired and worn down and I understand my husband doesn’t want to start the process of looking for or paying for a therapist or testing for a second child. I feel in my gut we aren’t helping my son the right way but I don’t trust myself anymore. Maybe I’m just a bad mom because I’m worn down from caring for our older child. Or maybe I’m just going to be anxious about my kids forever and I’m looking for a problem that isn’t there.

If you have BTDT with concerns about a younger child please share your experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had a shit show of a morning. I feel like a terrible mom. My oldest has anxiety, ADHD and an eating disorder. I have been very proactive in getting her help and she is doing well. She actually wasn’t the problem.

In a lot of ways I’m the problem. For so long there was always some sort of crisis and I just wanted everyone to be ok. I did a lot of accommodating of my older child and frankly she needed it. And it didn’t seem far to expect so much more of her younger sibling so I was doing way more than I should for both kids. I have been trying to wean off of the accommodations and my older child is accepting it really well. Medication, therapy and maturity have really helped.

But it has made me realize how much I’ve screwed things up for the younger one. He has been throwing huge tantrums, whining and sobbing when I won’t bend over backwards as much as I used to. He also seems really really anxious to me. His level of worry over certain things is honestly worse than his older sisters ever was. But he’s doing fine at school. I mentioned my concerns to his teacher and she thought I was crazy. My husband thinks I am looking for problems because the school has not complained. Neither of us know what “normal” looks like. I can get him through most scenarios and to do most things we need to do but I think I’m probably providing a lot more support than a typical parent.

On days like today I feel like I need help with my younger son. The parent training we did for our oldest does not seem to work as well with him (it was great for our daughter). But I also am tired and worn down and I understand my husband doesn’t want to start the process of looking for or paying for a therapist or testing for a second child. I feel in my gut we aren’t helping my son the right way but I don’t trust myself anymore. Maybe I’m just a bad mom because I’m worn down from caring for our older child. Or maybe I’m just going to be anxious about my kids forever and I’m looking for a problem that isn’t there.

If you have BTDT with concerns about a younger child please share your experience.

I should add it’s not just the anxiety. He seems to space out a lot and need a lot of reminders. I don’t think I even realized until recently because I was doing so much for him. Again I just don’t feel like I know what normal looks like and I guess he’s ok at school. But he is really bright and has always been ahead academically so I don’t know if that’s masking attention issues (that was the case for my daughter but she is also hyperactive and got diagnosed first based on that).

[Anonymous]

I think you should trust your gut. You've noticed several red flags with your son that warrant investigation.

The good news is that you know better what to do this time.

It can be hard emotionally to accept that a second kid has issues too. It certainly was for me. But it's not a reason not to look into it.

[Anonymous]

You don’t have to do something right now. It a absolutely DOES happen that our minds get used to being anxious and we seek out things to worry about. You can wait a few weeks/months. A child being “a little spacy” does not require calling in the calvary ASAP. I’d suggest just trying to relax and spend some good 1:1 time with the youngest every day. Put the worries on pause.

[Anonymous]

How old are your children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are your children?

The younger one is 6. We have a relatively large age gap. I think part of the issue with me is when we went through everything with DD I realized my uptight personality was actually clinically significant anxiety and recognized that I had pretty serious PPA with my first (I wasn’t depressed and didn’t know PPA and PPOCD were things even though I knew something was wrong). I’ve had a number of therapists since then but only really clicked with one (who moved away). So I feel a little responsible for my DD condition and a little bit broken sometimes.

[Anonymous]

It may just be that you're trying to change too much at once for your younger kid. I would try to break down what you want him to do into smaller pieces and work on them one at a time. I found this book really helpful:

Everyday Parenting Toolkit book by Kazdin

And I agree on the recommendation for positive daily one on one time. You Need to let your kid take the lead during this time and not direct or ask questions for it to be most effective as a judgment free relationship building time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are your children?

The younger one is 6. We have a relatively large age gap. I think part of the issue with me is when we went through everything with DD I realized my uptight personality was actually clinically significant anxiety and recognized that I had pretty serious PPA with my first (I wasn’t depressed and didn’t know PPA and PPOCD were things even though I knew something was wrong). I’ve had a number of therapists since then but only really clicked with one (who moved away). So I feel a little responsible for my DD condition and a little bit broken sometimes.

I’d work on getting therapy for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Very very similar situation here! My younger DC has been diagnosed with depression and an eating disorder. They are 10. They sleep 12 hours a day and are still exhausted, barely eats, and is a lovely train wreck. I regret not getting help earlier for DC1. I had no idea how much DC2 was affected by DC1’s behavior. Sometimes these things sort themselves out. And sometimes they become real real problems. No one can give you the answer. I would air on the side of more intervention, rather than less.

I completely get your feelings of regret and uncertainty. Again, you don’t know that things might not have been worse had you done nothing. You just don’t know. You have to accept that uncertainty, and move on. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.