Watching your kid fail

[Anonymous]

I'm someone that is very high achieving, but my parenting style has been my kids have to be the drivers of their own fates. I'm not a tiger parent.

My 14 year old is ultra competitive and naturally gifted at sports, music and math. He's a bit lazy, though and his executive function isn't there (as compared to me at his age).

Recently he's failed in a few places. One because he didn't take an audition seriously. One he tried but forgot some essential gear at home despite me asking about it.

I'm trying to tell myself that my failures were defining moments for me. It's hard to see him fail. Anyone BTDT?

[Anonymous]

Of course it’s hard

However personal responsibility is learned and we can not fix everything for them. Its best they learn how to do that themselves

[Anonymous]

Just keep telling yourself they build resilience.

Those aren't big failures, OP. I have a child with special needs and a gifted child. The one with SN nearly failed birth! And then failed on the regular after that. Intensive therapies, medications, tutoring, executive coaching later, and he's safely ensconced in a university. It's nothing short of miraculous, really.

He has a lot more mental resilience that his gifted sibling, who has had very minor fails, and goes through life winning without even trying. I worry about her. The day she fails massively (and she will, everyone does), she risks falling apart. My son fails, and he just shrugs and keeps going. It's happened so often that he knows how to handle himself.

If you say your child's executive function is weak, you might want to get him tested for ADHD. It's not just something you power through. He might need meds and/or behavioral modification and/or executive function training to address those issues.

[Anonymous]

I'm not a parent so feel free to ignore my advice. However, I think it's good that he's failing now at age 14, rather than age 25. Right now it doesn't really matter if he fails once or twice, and hopefully he'll soon realize that hard work doesn't beat talent if talent doesn't work hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not a parent so feel free to ignore my advice. However, I think it's good that he's failing now at age 14, rather than age 25. Right now it doesn't really matter if he fails once or twice, and hopefully he'll soon realize that hard work doesn't beat talent if talent doesn't work hard.

This most recent failure he immediately said to me I'm going to be practicing after school with X friend who also didn't make it to get better together. So I'm super happy at his response - work harder, get better. He also could tell me the concrete ways in which he didn't do as well as others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not a parent so feel free to ignore my advice. However, I think it's good that he's failing now at age 14, rather than age 25. Right now it doesn't really matter if he fails once or twice, and hopefully he'll soon realize that hard work doesn't beat talent if talent doesn't work hard.

This most recent failure he immediately said to me I'm going to be practicing after school with X friend who also didn't make it to get better together. So I'm super happy at his response - work harder, get better. He also could tell me the concrete ways in which he didn't do as well as others.

That's awesome OP. He sounds like he's going to do great in life.

[Anonymous]

Yeah the first time I really failed at something was age 30. My parents weren’t helicopters or anything, I had just been really good at everything until then. Anyway, it really knocked me down. Took a while to get over it. When I eventually picked myself up, I realized I had learned some very important things about myself. Interestingly I was lauded for my resilience but they didn’t see all the sturm and drang behind it! I would rather have done it at 14!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just keep telling yourself they build resilience.

Those aren't big failures, OP. I have a child with special needs and a gifted child. The one with SN nearly failed birth! And then failed on the regular after that. Intensive therapies, medications, tutoring, executive coaching later, and he's safely ensconced in a university. It's nothing short of miraculous, really.

He has a lot more mental resilience that his gifted sibling, who has had very minor fails, and goes through life winning without even trying. I worry about her. The day she fails massively (and she will, everyone does), she risks falling apart. My son fails, and he just shrugs and keeps going. It's happened so often that he knows how to handle himself.

If you say your child's executive function is weak, you might want to get him tested for ADHD. It's not just something you power through. He might need meds and/or behavioral modification and/or executive function training to address those issues.

I honestly don't know how to distinguish between electronic device forgetfulness and ADHD. Meaning half the time he seems lost in the world of YouTube. That said, I have symptoms of ADHD but some of my strengths helped me get away with not being fully optimal all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not a parent so feel free to ignore my advice. However, I think it's good that he's failing now at age 14, rather than age 25. Right now it doesn't really matter if he fails once or twice, and hopefully he'll soon realize that hard work doesn't beat talent if talent doesn't work hard.

This most recent failure he immediately said to me I'm going to be practicing after school with X friend who also didn't make it to get better together. So I'm super happy at his response - work harder, get better. He also could tell me the concrete ways in which he didn't do as well as others.

It sounds like you’ve instilled a growth mindset! Failure is not something to fear, it’s an opportunity.