Terminal parent

[Anonymous]

Hi - recently just found out one of my parents (who is 80) is terminal. Doctor indicated they may live several more years, but the damage is irreversible. I would be very shocked if they make it another 6 to 12 months given personality and overall health. From what I have read, the journey from here can vary and lot by individual and it likely won’t be a pleasant way to go.

The diagnosis isn’t shocking, shocking, but it is. Our family definitely doesn’t have an issue saying “I love you”, but that is about as deep as emotional discussions go.

Looking for any and all tips to get through this from a logistical and/or emotional perspective. I am very much a “fixer” and aside from optimizing the time left (particularly from a comfort perspective), there isn’t much to fix.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. It's a horrible time after hearing the diagnosis and that things will only progress, not resolve.
You might feel like diving in and doing ALL of the research about everything from the medical issue at hand to logisitcs of settling an estate.
First, allow yourself some space to just sit with this news. Then I would make a list of things you want to follow up on. Allow yourself times to address this list, but there should be times to be "unproductive" giving yourself a break from it all, or just connecting with other family members.

Keep up with the basics, food, sleep, walks, sunlight. If you think you need a grief counselor or a therapist that would be a good thing to start.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry you and your family are facing this. I hope the time you have together will be meaningful.

Even if you’re not a “therapy family,” strongly consider bringing in some kind of third party to help facilitate conversations that need to happen. A pastor/priest/rabbi, a death doula, a family counselor, a hospice social worker could all help here. When my family faced someone similar, we saw a faith-based family counselor (that was most un-intimidating for the older family members) and he helped us very deeply. The ones who were most reluctant to go got the most out of it. It certainly will not hurt, so there’s nothing to lose and much to gain.

Peace be with you and your family.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry. Your hospice social worker should be able to connect you to community resources for you if you are the caregiver. They are usually great.

[Anonymous]

Why do you write "they"? Don't worry, nobody will recognize you if you merely identify whether you write about your mother or your father.

At the age of 80 everybody should brace for bad news regarding their health...